I have no idea how to even start writing this or how to even put together what I am about to say.
When I was twenty I realized the horrible truth that both of my parents are narcissistic I have realized this after partaking in psychology classes and doing extensive research in this area. At first i thought it was crazy then i thought i was crazy but the more i researched the more the criteria fit my parents to a T. I didn’t want to believe it at first and still to this day (2 years later) I know it’s true i don’t know how to explain it (but for anyone who has come in to contact with individuals like this will know what i mean) they have both caused me nothing but psychological bullshit. Now i am not blaming my parents for my problems but they are the root of it. Obviously if you mentally physically and emotional abuse your child they are going to be screwed when they are older.
I was sexually abused as a child I have a mother and father who constantly emotionally and psychically abused me. Ignored me and kicked me to the side. I have been bullied my whole life at school at work at home. I have never had an escape I used to go to school get abused by the students and even the teachers and then to come home and then get it from my parents. I ran away at 14 years old only to return 3 months later because I had no money. For two years out of my teen age years I was stoned so sick and tired of dealing with everything. I just don’t understand why the hell people are just so shit and why i cannot cut a break. Honestly. It’s apparently a huge thing to even ask for.
I have suffered from an eating disorder for 8 years, and have relapsed five times. That only caused more bullying at school. It didn’t help that my mother constantly told me I was ugly too fat such a big ass …. It goes on. I have always been really angry and aggressive though I try my hardest to hide it. So 3 months ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression – which gave me the break through that I must have always had depression the whole time as I have felt like this my whole life. I lived constantly in fear worrying when the next beating is or when the next insulting remark is going to come. My mother actually told me my only responsibility that is *too be seen and not heard.
I have two friends who I hardly see I have slept with anyone in ages because I am scared of being hurt and I think I am unworthy of anything. My first boyfriend abused me and practically forced me to have sex with him then spread dreadful rumours about me.
The anger and bitter resentment I carry I am surprised that i can somewhat function. It not so easy to change your thinking and create a better mind set. I don’t know something has to change.
So I recently lost my job and I am back at the house of hell. I swore to myself I would never come back to my parents place my plan is too get far and far away from them as possible and try havea normal life. I am honestly so sick of being depressed I hate that I am angry I don’t just think of way to kill myself I think of way to kill my father ( I would never do it but if only he knew how much of a horrible father he was)
So I have stopped going out I don’t even want to go out. I broke off many of my friendships this year for the fact that I just never liked them. I have a bad case of insomnia and have gained 5 kilos.
I feel like I see through people and their hidden agendas and then don’t have patience. I always wonder to myself haveI always been this cold have I ever been happy. Or am I a narcissistic I would jump off the closed cliff if I found out I was.
Does anyone else feel like this ??
5 comments
How would the answers to those questions impact you except the narcissistic one
Depends if they were positive or negative answers.
021385. I must say that I do hear how angry you are. Do you think anger management classes might be of use? The thing is, it sounds like you keep a lot of it inside. Of course it will seep out in any case and poison your interactions with people one way or another. You say you struggle to hide it, but it’s only going to do you a violence inwardly, that’s the trouble.
I guess the answer would be to find healthy outlets such as vigorous exercise, martial arts, creative expression, well, tbh my mind has gone blank lol. I think tho’ that dealing with your anger may be your first priority, even tho’ I can’t come up with any clear options for you right now.
Anger can ruin your life, even more so if it’s repressed. It spreads a bit like a wildfire. And I am NOT saying this as somebody who is ‘never angry’ or thinks that anger per se is a terrible thing. It’s just when it comes to rule your life that you know you’ve got a problem.
I hope i haven’t annoyed you. Just my thoughts on what you have written.
Zoe x
Zoe. Thank you I really appreciate your response. It is really awesome to actually be open with everything and have some one take the time to help. It put a smile on my face.
I have been for anger management classes a few years ago which did not seem to work at all. I never talk about my feelings or emotions I do hold everything in, this is a bad habit that I seem to master and it is really hard to break.
In a few days time I will be a proud owner of a punching bag (I plan to punch the crap out of it) Hopefully after awhile this will work. Thanks for the advice 🙂
x
Hello. I know this post is from 2012, I’m sorry, but I did search about narcissistic abuse and found it.
One of my parents is an abusive ‘malignant’ narcissist, so I know what you are talking about, people like this cause so much trouble to those around, abuse, lie, put you down, criticize, isolate, gaslight etc etc etc… It’s too much abuse, it’s so terrifying.
People who live in such homes usually get C-PTSD [the ‘Complex’ form of Post-traumatic stress disorder]
It’s been almost 4 years since you posted here, I want to know how are you…
Are you still there?
What have you been doing to heal?
I recommend you and everyone who suffered from abuse coming from parents with Cluster B type disorders, like narcissistic, borderline and antisocial personality disorder, to learn about it as much as you can, read the website of Dr. George K. Simon, ‘Manipulative-People’, and his book called ‘In Sheep’s Clothing’, check Richard Grannon’s work, he has a great youtube channel called SpartanLifeCoach, he also has a website where he sells a course that is called First Aid Kit and has the intend of trying to help people who were abused by narcissists. Check OutOfTheFog website. Check, at reddit, r/LifeAfterNarcissism. Some of Sam Vaknin’s videos seem to be very good too. Ollie Mathews has a youtube channel where he helps people recovery and heal from narcissistica buse too. There are many other places where you can get information and tips to heal. Eat and sleep well, exercise, have support, and keep 100% the ”No Contact” policy.
What more can I say? I’ve been fighting to heal from the abuse, the name-calling, put-downs, gaslighting, verbal abuse, control, sudden screams, spying, relationships ruining, isolation, sabotage, baiting, pathological lying, manipulation, cheating, intimidation, harassment, blaming, scapegoating, bullying, etc etc, it’s so sad that all this abuse came from a parent of mine. So sad, isn’t it? From the logical point of view, we usually expect bad things to come from strangers, but sometimes it comes from people who say they’re doing it because they love you.
You can contact me here, via e-mail or on my Facebook account.
I have some videos, books, facebook groups, and stuff, all to try to help you.
I’m sorry for this bad english, I’m brazilian.