Hi there, SP! Since my username is Harbinger, so I guess you can call me that, but I really don’t care. Anyway, I have been lurking this site for almost a year now, but it could be longer. And now, I finally decided to make an account and start posting, perhaps. I’ve always felt kind of.. intimidated? by the prospect of sharing problems, and other things like that with people. Especially friends, for reasons I’m not sure of. However, lately, I’ve really just needed a way to get my mind off things, and posting here seems like it would help. And so, without further ado, I guess I should start.
I think my depression began to develop somewhere around.. 5th grade, which sounds kind of unbelievable. To explain: back in those days, I was (and still am) rather socially awkward, doing my best to avoid people in general. Of course, I still had friends, but I always felt uneasy and anxious around them. My true friends were the ones I had met on the internet, and had already known and been talking to for years. For some reason, I had found it much easier to talk to people on the internet, and thus developed closer friendships. One day, though, near the end of the school year, things were going great for my young self. Until I got home one day, that is. One of my best friends in my group of friends was suddenly acting very angry all of a sudden, when normally he was a very chill guy. We got into a fight that night, which lasted for hours. I don’t even remember what it was about… That night, he killed himself. I didn’t even know until I got home from school. I instantly just started crying when I learned, it felt like it was my fault, with me arguing with him, and we were so close… I still feel guilty to this day, even if it probably wasn’t my fault. The next day at school, I was a wreck. Just quiet the whole day, not talking to anyone, not concentrating… That day when I got school, I learned that another close friend of mine had died from cancer. I completely lost it, and that is what set me into depression. One of the many things.
Over the course of the next few years, and numerous other events that I don’t want to type out right now, I slowly sunk deeper and deeper into depression. My internet group of friends had sort of cast me out, also blaming me for the death of a friend, on top of blaming myself. Eventually, I had managed to gather a new group of friends, and for a while everything was fine. Eventually, though, I just couldn’t hide the fact I was depressed, and announced, rather abruptly, that I was planning to kill myself… This was the first and last time I talked to my friends about problems I would have. At first, they seemed genuinely worried and tried to help me, but over the course of 6 months, and 3 failed attempts, they got tired of my bullshit. One completely cut off communications with me, and the others act.. strange around me, as if they just tolerate me, instead of care.
And, well, I guess that’s about it. Of course, I left out many of the details and such, but I guess that can come later. I don’t like to type too much at one time, and this seems kind of long. Thanks for reading, though!
5 comments
Welcome, real friends (people) not internet friends/enitites get intimidated by people which say they are thinking of killing themselves, they are scarred or whatever because they feel powerless over what we might actually do.
Just like battle hardened soldiers of WWII when a new replacement would join the group, few wanted to get aquainted with them because they didn’t want to feel the loss when the new recruit did something stupid or was just unlucky and caught a bullet.
Most people don’t think nor feel they want to kill themselves, so its nayural for normies to feel scarred when we tell them what we are feeling.
This is a good place to start to express your self and thanks for keeping your post short, lol, some write 25 paragraphs and expext all of ADD/ADHD/BI-POLAR/Depresssed etc, people to follow what they wrote.lol
Dude; An entire year of lurking without saying a word? Really? I’d have gone nutso. Hello harbinger.
Harbinger; One that indicates or foreshadows what is to come; a forerunner. 2) One that pioneers in or initiates a major change.
Your name reminds me of a Metallica song, too.
There was a horse called Harbinger trained by Sir Michael Stoute. He won the King George in good style but was subsequently retired due to injury.
Sorry, harbinger, for what you’ve been through. But you have to understand, announcing to other people that you’re going to kill yourself is a one way ticket of digging a deeper hole. Normal people don’t like it. If you did, however, find some people who went through the same experiences as you and thought about it as well, they would understand you. Normal people get scared or find it weird or attention seeking if you just announce something like that. A little cry for comfort is about all normal people can really take unless they’ve known you for forever and notice by themselves that something is going wrong with you. How old are you now? Are you high school age, college…?
Yeah, I’ve noticed that those longer posts tend to be devoid of comments or visitors, which is why I tried to keep this one short. I sort of failed at that however.
And, I may have addressed this in the post (though I may have forgotten), I completely hide everything about this from my ‘real-life’ friends. To them, I seem like the happiest, most energetic guy out there. And, hell, I hide it from my internet friends as well. Only 1 or 2 people actually know about it as of now, and they may end up being the only ones until I actually do something, which may not be for a while.
Not to mention, the first group of people that I revealed it to had all been in similar situations and such, and they knew that I was depressed and things like that. I even had saved the one who cut me off completely from suicide on 3 separate occasions, which is why I thought it safe to reveal to my closest friends. I guess not!