Ten years ago, I realized I had a problem, and I needed to find a solution fast. In the last ten years, I’ve been slowly moving closer to suicide as that solution. I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to put my family and friends through that. I wish there was another solution to my problem, but in ten years, it’s only getting worse.
The problem is that I want to kill people. I haven’t, yet, but I want to. I know it’s not right, but I still want to. I know some of you reading this might be thinking that it’s normal, that everyone has violent impulses, and in the right circumstances, is capable of killing another. What I feel is different though. I had a friend about six months ago that I let move in to my house when he lost his job. The whole time he lived with me, in the back of my mind, I could always picture was poisoning him, cutting out his tongue, and force-feeding it to his girlfriend. And that’s just a new phase. For the last year or so, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of feeding people their own body parts, or pieces of their loved ones.
Before the forced cannibalism, it was choking. I wanted to feel someone’s throat closing in my hands. I wanted to watch their color change, and their eyes bulge. I wanted to see the exact moment where they lost the will to fight back, where the fear won out and they resigned to hopelessness. Before that, it was incineration, and before that, it was shooting. Going back ten years, to my first murder fantasy.
I was afraid of what I was becoming long before the urge to kill ever set in though. I think I was eleven years old when I had my first dream about kidnapping and raping a girl I went to school with. I don’t know why I think about these things. I know they’re wrong, and in the aftermath of every fantasy, I feel disgusted with myself. I never want any of them to come true. I’ve sought counseling, I’ve tried antipsychotics, I’ve tried religion. I changed every detail of my daily life to avoid anything that might trigger it. I quit video games, television, and movies to avoid scenes of violence. I quit competitive sports to avoid any adrenaline trigger. I rarely leave my home anymore, and I’m still afraid.
Ten years of being afraid of myself. A lifetime of being disgusted and ashamed of the darkness inside my own mind. I don’t know what else to do. I have to kill myself, to keep people safe from me. It’s the only solution.
4 comments
i can relate a little although ive never wanted any forced cannibalism i have had moments where i feel like im about to reach out choke someone to death this has happened with my mom all of my siblings and a few of my friends ive never done anything but i can see what your going through i hope you find a solution maybe you could beat the shit out of a pillow or do something to get this pent up energy out before it tears you apart
John101, there is a big difference between thinking about something and actually going through with it. Many of the people here could testify to that in relation to suicide.
However these kind of thoughts must be especially disturbing for you. On the plus side you seem to have plenty of insight into yourself. You have faced up to your own violent ideation. There are plenty of other options open to you besides suicide. Psychotherapy or counselling would be a good place to start. You can be completely open with your therapist about the thoughts. Chances are they would already have some experience of such a thing, and would be able to reassure you that it is not ‘beyond the pale’.
There’s every chance that having that outlet to discuss your thoughts with a third party could lessen the internal pressure you feel from the homicidal fantasies.
I know many people personally who occasionally or even regularly experience homicidal fantasies. It does NOT make you evil or beyond help John101, but it is best to deal with this ideation and not let it fester and destroy you from within.
Take care and please go easy on yourself.
Zoe x
To have had this urge for ten years and never once have acted on it says a lot about you as a person. I think if you really wanted to kill someone you would have done it by now. Let me ask you this when you were a child have you ever killed or harmed kittens, puppies or other small animals? Did you ever bully or beat others up in school? Do you feel any empathy what so ever for anything?
At some point, everyone in their life if they admit it or not want to kill or just really hurt someone. Maybe because you have become so fixated on this that that is all you think about and create your life around this urge. It’s like you have had this thought and then you stoped deeply exploring this issue. You have just thought – that is it I have this horrible thought I must be a horrible person I absolutely must shut myself off from this world and punish myself. Remember you haven’t done anything wrong and you are not the monster you think you are. Knowing its wrong and purposely shutting yourself off just so you don’t hurt anyone shows that you do have a heart. I can’t imagine what this would feel like or what you are going through I definitely suggest to talk to psychologist and be honest with them they are there to help you.
Now I am not a psychologist myself although I do believe that psychopaths normally at early ages of their life start killing small animals and later escalate to humans. Their urges are so strong that they just do it. If you have held off for ten years well I don’t think that’s possible for them. I’m not saying that you’re a psychopath and my intention is not to make you feel worse, just to make you aware. That if you truly wanted too you would not have held out for so long and that could mean that you are human and not a monster.
I suggest that you start treating yourself nicer and start living your life. Go do something fun, get a hobby. But don’t sit at home and shut yourself off from the world life is too precious.
Well I hope what I have wrote has helped in some way and below is a quote that I think would benefit you.
Cheers.
How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one’s culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light. Barry Lopez
021385, brilliant comment. I feel confident that in what we have both said there is some help for John101.
I see now that side of you that empathises for and helps others 021385. You are not just a number! You are a human being!
You are also clearly more than the anger that you ‘confessed’ on your earlier post. It’s worth considering that that very anger might actually inform some of the insights that we see here. Anger can also be very energising and motivating. Provided you remain in control of it, rather than the other way round.
There is such a thing as righteous anger remember.
Love, Z x