Unrequited Love

My story begins about four years ago, that was the day I meet one of the closest friends I will have ever had. I was young and stupid, he was older and much more experienced in life, something he has never flaunted in my face. He was patient and fun, a very calming touch to my scatterbrained mind. He has always looked out for me, in a sort of protective sense that he tried to keep my innocence. Because of all of our time together I fell in love with him. How could I not? He cared for me, listened to me, helped me with my trivial distresses and worries. He was and is everything I have ever wanted. For four years I have loved him with all my heart, and every day of those four years, I’ve known he has never loved me back. I’ve always known, in my subconscious, that I wasn’t the only girl in his life, but I never wanted to admit it to myself, or when I did, I told myself I could handle it, that I didn’t want him to change because of me. While all of that is somehow true, it came to light when we went on vacation together with another of my best friends. Him and I were walking on the beach and he told me how he was happy he had come with us, that he used to only ever travel with his ex. He told me how they always fell into old habits, so he avoided seeing her. (The same ex he cheated on with me.) That’s when it hit me that he has been sleeping around quite a bit with me on the side, same as the other girls. I wanted so much to fade away, to disappear into my own thoughts to sort things out. I hurt so much to think of myself as just another number, just another cute and easy girl that has always been there. It tore me to tears when I realized I was not his responsibility to take care of, that he did so more out of habit than anything else. The tears flowed for hours on the shores of my beach paradise. Now only the scars remain, and I can’t help but want to vanish. He has been pushing me away ever sense, making sure he set boundaries, like calling me his friend, being bugged by a pet name I have called him for years, pushing me back when I kissed him. I know its silly to be so upset by such a simple relationship, but he was the world to me, but I somehow just can’t hid the image of my name, scribbled on a piece of paper and put in a little black book….

I don’t know what to do, a little advise would be much appreciated.