School starts Monday.
I don’t know what to feel about either. 24 and most people I went to school with are done and have jobs and spouses. I know it shouldn’t get to me but it still does.
I don’t think I want to die right now but I don’t feel great. While I do well in school I feel retarded in normal everyday situations. I fear that this will hold me back, as it has in the past. I don’t think anybody in my previous jobs respected me. Not that being a respected line cook or pizza delivery driver really means anything to me (no offense), but I worry that this pattern will repeat in every future job I might hold. I guess this is a factor in why I skipped classes in the past and flunked out. Part of me is afraid that while I attended every class over the summer and got straight A’s, I will inevitably fail again. I know it sounds like I care now (using words like “fear” and “worry”), and I do, but I do have a habit of regressing into states where I don’t give a fuck.
I don’t even know what I want anymore.
I had a scary moment last night. As I was trying to go to sleep, this whooshing sounds filled my ears, my neck jutted forward, and my teeth began to rattle. I was biting down pretty hard. It was over in two seconds, but I have absolutely no idea what that was. Now that I think about it, I had a mildly terrifying experience earlier today as I was driving home from the school having picked up my parking pass. It was almost as if I was completely lost (and part of me believes that I really was). I was utterly confused. This is a route I have taken many many times and it is very straightforward. Yet while I knew that I was going east (having read the signs) I couldn’t recognize anything as I went along the familiar highway. Basically I then just spaced out as I followed the highway straight for ten miles or so and recognized my exit. After that I was entirely lucid, but it still puzzles me as does last night’s incident.
Maybe it’s just all in my head, because I certainly would feel a twisted sense of relief if I were to be diagnosed with a brain tumor or something.
2 comments
Is today your birthday?
I can recognize myself in your story. It is very very difficult to live our lives with this mental state we are in. Normally it’s “your back against the wall”, well I’m IN the wall.
I can’t even cry anymore, I have totally no idea what I must do. It’s feels like a invisible
knife that’s pierces my abdomen, and I can’t pull it out.
Well bro, in any case you are not alone if that’s cheers you up ;).