There is no future for me anymore.

Anybody my age is asked this question at least once a week: Where do you see yourself in ten years? I see nothing. It’s a blur. It’s dark; uncertain. I’ve laid no foundation in my 17 years on Earth.

I’m not old enough to regret the decisions I have made (or have not made), as I have not even graduated high school. The lack of motivation and blatant hopelessness has killed my ability to perform well and excel. I have shut the doors on my ideal, successful life – stumbling in the dust behind my peers. What I have ruined in academics, I have not made up for in connections or any useful talent. I’d like to think I’m an intelligent individual, as would others, but I believe undiagnosed A.D.H.D., and, obviously, a lack of motivation has done this. It is my own fault, this I know.

I am crushed by stress over the most manageable situations. I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed constantly. I feel disgusting envy for my bestfriend of 7 years who will be studying halfway across the world, reaping the benefits of the hard work she has invested in her life. I have trapped myself in Kansas. My parents are too greedy with their funds to assist me. I cannot live in debt for the rest of my life when working 2 jobs to pay off debt already is too much.

Maybe somebody can relate to me. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, who I am with – when I think of the future, my stomach churns. A sickening feeling washes over me, my body gets the chills, and I tear up. Let me be clear, I have never been afraid of the future, this is anything but a girlfriend problem, although she will leave me behind as well.

I feel like I have one year to live. Maybe my mind will change by then, maybe not. Maybe I have ten years to live if I can grab the reins of my own life – take absolute, conscious control. I do not feel cut out to make it on my own in this dog-eat-dog world. There’s nobody left to listen. I lie in bed at night thinking, “Maybe I’ll make it. I can pull myself together.” Yeah? If I cannot wake up with enough energy to make it through the week, how do I make it to 75?  The pressure of the ticking clock never leaves me alone. I had time, but now I have no time left. No mental, emotional, physical strength left to see me through.

One year.