One more day, I said to myself.
Tomorrow, I will see how things go…if bad, well I guess I will go home, get really wasted, take some insuline and pull a bag over my head , tape around my throat and just..suffocate or some shit. Exit bag is what I have been thinking of. But I am not sure where I get helium or whatever type of gas that is used for it…
Hell, I don’t even give a fuck abut anything anymore. My story is just long but it is not complicated. Basically it is pretty average and is fit for a normal person. What you need to know right now is that I am just a student in a new town without any friends. I go to a college where i study information tech and nothing could go any worse. But I’ve been depressed most of my life. Tough childhood led to bad social skills as I grew up and that is how it always have been. No friends, no nothing. Always scared of something. Taking the step forward. That’s me. That’s my problem; looking too much back at the past. I have been venturing so deep in my past (over several years until now) that it has manifested in my everyday life. I have been looking so much back at the past that I simply lack the experience to get to know new people, to become whatever I want to. There are so many resources and knowledge and this family that is at my disposal to help me…but I simply just don’t give a fuck anymore. I am not a social junkie. Never was. Only thing that has been keeping me sane lately is talking to my friend. Weed and alcohol is the only thing that is keeping me sane at weekends. Believe me. I’ve tried. Several times. Making contact, everything. It is very hard when you are alone..with my only friend and family so far away. Don’t even bother talking to my mother. We are very different people. People are intimidating,..judging, always get inside your mind by sending out words that they forget after.
That’s another problem I have. Forgetting and forgiving. It has been such a long while and I am far away from bullies and everything. I am a grown up now and live alone for a couple of months now (always been me and mother) but I cannot adjust myself to this world.. this social, outgoing, forthgoing..w.e…-world full of different personalities and minds. I feel like I have no place or purpose on this planet anymore. I feel so deeply deressed that I have come to this place to share a little bit of me with others in hope of getting some sort of attention…pathetic,really. But I don’t give a shit anymore. My mind is set to commit suicide and see what’s on the other side… If there is one. I actually hope there is some sort of astral plane you venture off into and walk around and share wisdom and past experiences with other people….or will it simply be darkness where I cannot move out of my body and just drive myself insane? I guess I can be strong and keep on living until tomorrow but I really see no point why any longer..
– A
4 comments
I know what you mean about looking back alot at the past, I did that badly after a bad point in my life which caused me to eventually come on here. The thing with me is I do give a fuck I want to live and live well but Im just too fucked up and I cant seem to get that living well. you say you have a problem with fear? I do too but not as much as i did, there is a way out of it … I will probably be recomending this alot on here cos using it got me out of my last suicide crisis, paul mackenna ‘Possitivity’ stick with that and you’ll start feeling and behaving differently!
Thanks for reading.
But right this time I am so fucked up in my mind that I will go through with this right after I’m done with my college studies today. Besides I am pessimistic by heart and mind so it will be hard to change me over the day’s course .. I wasn’t always like that but now I am tired of all of this, honestly.
Im tired of it too, but I think I might possibly have some sort of future and i still have dreams which is the only reason im still alive tbh, well apart from it being difficult to buy a gun! lol I take it your only 21, if you ever feel like you really want to fight to try and change things that programme i suggested really does help you socially, it helps you feel better inside and your natural behaviors become less fearful and more free, and it gives you a new power and skill. The bit you said about hoping to get a bit of attention, I think thats probably quite common on here, I feel the same!
yeah well doesn’t quite seem like it. Now im hungry, drunk, broken jealous lol!
But I guess I could hold off for another day. One simple phonecall to mother made me hold off. I was simply about to do it. Today actually. It is funny how the smallest things do this shit to my brain and I chicken out with my plan. I love reading the stories here because I can find myself in some of these peoples situations and maybe share a word of wisdom or two so I see what you mean.