My name is Steve and I will be 47 in October – and after my recent experience, I feel so grateful I am still here and might likely see age 47 come to pass…
I’ve always been a wilderness lover, and as such, tend to be a loner because few people I know feel so comfortable in the “boonies” as I do. In fact, it is my preference to pass-away, when the time is really right, deep in the wilderness, in a peaceful, lovely setting of a few chosen spots I have found during my lifetime of wilderness camping and hiking – like a
native person. I never wanted to pass-away in the false-caring “hospital/industrial complex” in a dreary, flourescent-lit
room, stuck with tubes and wires – totally not natural to me – but dying in the wilderness is.
But for now and even, only when the time is right and not by my hand…and not for a while – I still desire time to help my good friends and have more
and more realizations and experiences before my time may be truly up.
I have also been diagnosed (in 2004) as a bipolar – yes, for most of my adult life I have gone from general elation about life and my enthusiasm for knowledge, wilderness, and my hobbies and moments of pure joy and bliss, to feelings of total frustration and emptyness – but I have never experienced what is called a “full-blown mania” nor very prolonged or deep depression – I am called a “rapid cycler” but seem to have much more “highs” than “lows.”
I also admit that for the past 33 years, I’ve been occasionally exercising thoughts of suicude. I really don’t like society all that much – it is so full of shallow b.s. and the constant war between “hawks” and “doves” (good people vs. bad people) and requires one to be an actor and to be fake much of the time – especially in American culture. This I dislike highly, and so I developed a strong preference for wilderness existence a long time ago.
Early the morning of Wednesday, September 4th, I piled a few belongings into my Toyota 4Runner and hit the road toward some deep wilderness within Inyo County, California, where I knew I would see few or no people (preferably) and probably not be found.
I was not in a state of depression at all – in fact, I felt elated. Being a very “spiritual” person whom loves nature, and whom believes in the Gaia Hypothesis (first coined by James Lovelock) that Planet Earth is a living being/entity, and I have always rejoiced in its wilderness beauty.
It just felt perhaps this time was right and that it would be OK to carry out my final plans not to return to the vagaries of civilization but remain, forever, in the comforting environment of natural Earth-wilderness. I feel, being a Urantia Book reader and fan, that there is likely an afterlife and survival of personality. But, even if not, a long sleep and rest and oblivion would be almost as good, so no worries–yeah, right…
At this point, I have a very deep and abiding question: WHY do many of us humans feel suicidal? Even a very “happy” acting close radio-enthusiast friend admitted, to my great surprise, a few months ago that he experiences suicidal thoughts, so it MUST be more common than we think. But WHY, WHY, WHY, anyway? WHY can many people suffer inconceivable hardships, like people suffering in Darfur – skin and bones, eating leaves to SURVIVE, walking hundreds of miles without shoes to get to a better place – it is simply HOPE? (HOPE! Londoners in 1944 hiding deep within The Underground while Nazi bombs rained down on them – with great hopes for survival–things like that).
This, while many of us “better-off” (materialistically) feel the need to give-up and end-it all? I really don’t know. I only know this – all of us whom are contemplating suicide or have survived one or more attempts find us all kindred spirits of sorts, and websites like this one I feel are a huge blessing – it gives us reassurance and renewed hope in many ways – at least we are NOT alone – even if we LIKE being alone – I think deep within all of us we truly desire and prefer to be back in a warm cocoon or womb surrounded by kindred spirits who can comfort and nourish us – so lacking in society, generally. So we feel alone, and lonely, and down, and alienated, and feel it is all hopeless, and we feel overwhelmed by “the system” that leaves us so isolated and alienated feeling, so we exercise our suicidal thoughts and some of us do see them to fruition…very sadly.
Arriving at my destination after 20 miles of slow, bumpy dirt-road driving, I parked the 4Runner at a nice place under a Pinyon Pine tree, climbed into the rear of the vehicle on a comfy bed I put in the rear, and awaited the sunrise, looking at the last vestiges of Jupiter fade-away as it grew light. I thought to myself “this might be the last time I see that lovely planet until I become a “non-physical-entity” or “angel” something similar.
The thing is, no matter how much philosophy and religion a person absorbs, NOBODY, including myself, REALLY KNOWS what “the afterlife” is like, if any. At the very best we can be comforted and assured by religion and spirituality that it MIGHT be true, but NO ONE knows for certain, unless you’ve been visited by a dead-person’s spirit or possibly had a near-death experience. Yes, I came very close to passing out and dying with my recent experience, but I don’t consider it an NDE, so the “spiritual afterlife” remains a mystery to me.
At about 8 a.m., I decided to get going, as sunlight began to stream into the car’s windows and I felt increasingly elated to begin my “final hike.” For some reason (and I am a ham-radio/technical enthusiast) I brought along my GPS receiver and “marked” where my car was located in case I got lost and needed to find my way back to the car, yet knowing that this would be my last hike and I probably would not be returning to the car.
(Speaking of my car – a Toyota 4Runner, for some reason, I still cared enough for it (a gift from my father 4 years ago) that I decided to stash the keys in the glove box, lock all the doors except for the back lift-gate, so if it was found, it would not have to be “broken into.”)
But I wanted to see how far I got from the car – I was born at near latitude 38 degrees north in San Francisco, and grew up nearby, and so, I thought it appropriate that I walk to a point about 0.38 miles from the car – just for symbolic purposes – not rational. I actually intended to hike further, but I do suffer occasional bad days where my heart palpitates a lot and skips beats constantly (tiring me out) and this day was a particularly bad day for that (I suffered Rhuematic Fever at age 17). So I got to exactly 0.38 miles from my car by the GPS receiver display, and found a lovely big Pinyon Pine tree to lie under, out of the hot desert sun.
Getting comfortable under the tree, with the rising wind whispering in the pine trees and no other sounds heard, I felt relaxed and happy to be in the quiet, peaceful, gorgeous wilderness again, for the final time. I smoked some pot to get really high, and lay about for a while, contemplating the very sharp, new razor-blade I stashed in a 35mm film canister in my back-pack. I lay under that pine tree for maybe a half-hour, allowing myself to get really high/stoned, and felt increasingly relaxed and “ready” to make “my final cut.”
At about 10 a.m., I got up, took out the 35mm film canister, removed the new, very sharp razor blade, and lay back down again with the blade in my hand, allowing “bravado” to arise – get courage to cut an arm artery and vein to bleed out and drift away, forever…
And I, in a quick moment’s notice, slashed a large vein on the inside of my arm, near my elbow, and then soon after, a wrist artery – the same place where I did it in December 1999 (this was my second attempt – the first attempt is a whole ‘nother story I would like to post here sometime soon).
After the slashing-deed was done, I lay there with my arm stretched out, watching the blood pour out onto the ground and soak into the desert soil under that tree.
I must have lay there 15 or more minutes, slowly feeling myself weaken, with a rising “hissing” noise in my ears, and felt increasingly light-headed as I lost blood. I went into deep prayer mode, comtemplating what “the afterlife” would be like.
But, suddenly, I felt scared and began to miss my lovely cat Rocky, my beloved parents near San Francisco. I contemplated the devastation my father (especially) would feel upon finding out of my “dissappearence.” And I also had a cascade of thoughts that life is TANGIBLE and KNOWN, despite its challenges and highs and lows, and “the afterlife (if any) was NOT!
And so, I pulled in my arm and bent it tight so the flow of blood from the inside-elbow vein would cease, and I put my thumb over the pulsating cut wrist artery, stopping the outflow of blood. I must have lost at least 1 quart of more of blood. I guess I “chickened out” and wanted to pause my depletion of blood – for some reason.
I held my thumb over the artery for maybe 10 minutes, then decided, “the heck with it,” and let go of my wrist. Miraculously, the blood ceased flowing from both cuts! I lay there, amazed at how the body tries ANYTHNG to survive – including the amazing physical ability for blood to clot and seal wounds – the body really WANTS to SURVIVE, even if the mind does not! I felt overwhelmed with the thought that a “miracle” had just happened and the blood stopped flowing out of my wounds!
It is very fortunate – in case of a hiking accident – that I carry a small roll of packaging tape as well as napkins and pieces of paper towel in my backpack. I sat up, suddenly wanting very badly to LIVE – to SEE my cat again, my lovely desert home again, my father again – anything, but oblivion! So, despite becoming very dizzy and light-headed at just sitting up, I wrestled out the roll of tape and the napkins out of my backpack and “bandaged” up my two wounds. After I did that, I had to lie back down because merely sitting up caused great dizzyness because of my blood loss.
I also wrestled out the last of my supply of water and drank it down, feeling terribly thirsty (blood loss causes great thirst feelings). Then I lay back down again, wondering if I could ever get up again. If I stood up just on my knees, within 5 to 10 seconds, my heart would race and I would feel faint. I had to sink back down to my bottom to relieve the dizzyness and vertigo.
While I lay there, not knowing what next to do and praying hard that I would, some way, survive to be back home to hug my cat in the quietude of the desert night! A strange calm overtook me and I became consumed with one goal – I HAD to get back to the car where I had a lot of water – if I could get back to my car and drink a lot of water and lay in the car’s bed, I might be able to survive. I had several hours of daylight left, but no food and no water! And so, time was of the essence – a person can go a long time without food (weeks perhaps) but not long in a dehydrated state with substantial blood-loss. I knew I had maybe that day, but I would not survive another night as I felt increasingly weak due to hunger, thirst, and blood-loss.
It is strange – that calmness that overtook me – with the single-minded goal of getting back to my car, that day, even if I had to get back in the dark and starlight (you can see amazingly well in starlight once the eyes adjust). I did not feel scared anymore. Only determined to survive, somehow, someway. Period.
My greatest concern was how to get back to my car–if I even stood up to walk for a few seconds, the dizzyness would overcome me and I would collapse back down. Even if I crawled like a baby, after a minute, I became dizzy and exhausted. The ONLY way I found I could move was to lie on my back and shuffle my feet forward, both at once or even one at a time, then shove my buttocks forward, like an inchworm. Also very fortunately I had gloves in my backpack to protect my hands from becoming ragged.
Inchworming myself along, with my back-pack supporting my back, I was able to make forward progress, extremely slowly, for several minutes before becoming exhausted again. I must have rested 100 times, inchworming along.
After what seemed like a very long time, I made it back to the dirt road leading back to my car. Very curious as to my progress, I broke out my GPS receiver and saw that I had gone only 0.04 miles (0.34 to go!) in maybe an hour of time – I felt overwhelmed with frustration and contemplated the “fix” I was in – my energy was dwindling, I had gone only 10% of the way to my car, and my throat was very dry and scratchy by then. Time and my energy was running out!
But again, a deep calmness overcame me and I became single-purposed again – my thoughts dwindled down to one wish – get back to the car! And so I began the laborious inchworming along again, thinking how I am like those Buddhist people whom shuffle their way on their stomach for hundreds of miles to attain enlightment as they make their way to their goal. I was like them – but I was just doing it on my back!
There were a few places where the road went uphill – it was tortuous going uphill as I inchwormed my way along, having to rest for 5 to 10 minutes at a time, but somehow, my energy held up and I kept at it, extremely slowly, inchworming along on my back on and on – nothing else I could do. I would inchworm myself along from tree-shade to tree-shade, but occasionally, becoming so exhausted that I just had to sit there in the hot sun and on the hot dirt road until I got a bit of energy back.
For hours I kept on – I noticed that the sun was sinking down into the west – I had a few hours of sunlight left and God knows how far I was still from my car (I didn’t want to check the GPS again for fear of seeing I was so far…)Â I just kept at the inchworming along, occasionally flipping over to do a baby’s crawl for a few moments until the dizzyness and a very rapid heartbeat (but amazingly steady and without palpitations!) would overcome me, then I would roll back over to my back and lie there until I could resume the inchworming.
Inchworming along, oblivious to my progress to my car, I crept along that dirt road. Quite suddenly, I felt I was in a familiar place – and low and behold, my car appeared from around a bend inthe road – perhapd 100 yards ahead! I was overjoyed! But I dared not get up and make the final bit on my feet for fear of collapsing again, so I resumed inchworming for what seemed like an intermitable length of time – maybe half an hour, as I drew ever closer to my car. Patience! Hope!
I, at long last, made it to the rear bumper of my car – I hoped I’d kept the rear door unlocked (in desperation I was prepared to break a window to get back in… but happily, I briefly and quickly got to my knees and opened up the back door, then collapsed back down to my back. After a few minutes rest, I got back up and grabbed a gallon jug of water and drank and drank until I felt breathless. Then I threw myself inside the car, on the bed in the back, and wrestled forward to unlock the driver’s side door. Then I backed out of the car and slumped back on the ground again.
After a few moments, I inchwormed my way with the water jug in hand, to the front driver’s door and opened it, got up, and sat inthe driver’s seat. I was amazed to find I was not falling into dizzyness and vertigo, sitting there, guzzling as much water as was possible. I actually felt rejuvinated!
At this point, I felt certain I was capable of driving, as I’d hoped. In fact, I felt actually quite good sitting there in the driver’s seat. So I started the Toyota and slowly drove down the dirt road, weaving around overgrown Pinyon Pine trees alongside the road until I got back to the main dirt road leading toward Lee Flat in a remote section of Death Valley National park.
Now, I had about 20 miles of bumpy dirt road driving to do before I got back to the main highway 190 leading back toward the Owens Valley. It took great patience to slowly bump and grind my way back to the main highway – what worried me was, though I felt pretty “normal” sitting in the driver’s seat, I would have brief flashes of dizzyness and what could almost be called “drop-outs” whereby it was like narcolepsy – I would experience brief seconds of wanting to collapse unconsciousness – maybe once every few minutes – similar feeling to bad sleep deprivation.
So I bumped my way along the washboarded roads for a god-awfully long amount of time – then at long last got onto the pavement. It was all downhill into lower elevations – actually, about 3,000 feet elevation drop back to my desert home in the Owens Valley of California from the place I had cut my wrists (up in thinner air at 6,600 feet elevation).
The miles went by like molasses – I make this drive frequently, but this time it seemed 5 times as long. But down and down I went, feeling better as I got down into thicker air and toward HOME!
At last, I made it back to my home. I parked the car and was amazed that in the thicker air I could stand-up for 1/2 a minute before becoming dizzy. This meant I could make it into the house and collapse in a chair for a while, then I went into my kitchen and guzzled some orange juice and a bit later, ate some leftovers in the fridge. I felt incredibly better, but very tired. It was about 7 p.m. by then. I guzzled more juice and went to bed and fell asleep, but not before re-bandaging my arm wounds first-aid style – there was NO way I was going to go to the nearby hospital another 15 miles distant and then be subject to “the system.” I felt I could recover at home and keep it “a secret” except for this site I just found!
At home in bed that night, I dozed for a few hours, and got up around midnight – that is when I did a google search for “suicide survivor’s stories” and found this wonderful website.
And here I sit, the next day, maybe 27 hours after I cut my wrist, feeling quie normal, though still somewhat sleepy, I write this. I actually drove this morning at 8 a.m. into the nearby bigger town to get some badly needed groceries without feeling any sort of dizzyness or much fatigue – the body recovers amazingly rapidly! Life is GOOD! All of my years of hiking, despite the heart problems, has paid-off I guess! The only physical manifeststions, besides the bandaged arm cuts, is a small bliser on my right hand and where my tailbone is – nothing more.
I am strong! I am alive, I am here, and I cry for all of you contemplating suicide in your grief, alienation, and despair.
Looking at the stories in the suicideproject.org site, I cry and cry. Is it possible for any of you fellow voyagers of life feeling like it all must end to reconsider… to hang on to that last teeny bit of hope, somehow, that things might get better – that you might find a soulmate, or some miracle happens like I’m
sure it did to me yesterday as I inchwormed my way along back to my car, in the remote desert outback.
God help us all…
-s-
10 comments
If you dont have a female companion, a good wife, or girlfriend, I think it would do you very good as well as I am convinced you would make her happy because you have the required sensitivity for a sensitive woman. It happens that people in this arena also have lots of that. What I am trying to say is that that sensitivity you have should be “targeted” to another human being, so that you take care of her, instead of devoting it to the inside of yourself, which can eventually lead you to experiences of the sort in the heat of the desert. You need to avoid placing yourself close to a similar situation, so if you have a girlfriend AND think about driving your mind to caring for her, you will stay away from risky excursions.
I’m also without a female companion. I believe that it does do men well. I read your entire story and I agree with much of what you’ve said, though I don’t validate your spiritual beliefs as highly as you do. I think that you are a great writer. I’m glad that this experience has “enlightened” you, if you will, but I’m sure you understand that whether the rest of us have been “enlightened” in such a way or not, our feelings are still absolutely valid.
Thanks oracle and Tom: both of you do have VERY valid things to say to me and others, here.
Yes, I am without female companionship – I had a gal for a decade inthe 90’s and it was one of the most wonderful times in my life.
But I need and desire only a female whom is highly sensitive and whom, perhaps, has gone through a near-suicide or contemplations of suicide, for them we would have a deep understanding and compassion that likely would not exist if I simply found a gal whom has not gone through this experience – I am OPEN! I seek a soulmate. If you are the one, maybe, let me know here. I can’t give out my e-mail address for it would def. identify me, as it contains my ham-radio callsign.
I truly think each and every one of us must find our own path to “enlightenment” and respect our inner thoughts in this regard. We can read books and books and listen to audio and other media, but we must ultimately find our own paths.
One thing is for certain – I have found a new-path, right here, on/in this website – to help others whom have had similar suicidal thoughts… in whatever means that I may. I feel that I have been given a third chance to live. If I attempt suicide again in the future, I feel “three strikes and you’re out” and it might be the last time, so I don’t wish ever to go there again – I simply must – yes, oracle, focus my sensitivities on another mate and divert it from becoming dangerously self-consuming. Peace.
Steve – 04 Sept. 2010
Oh, and by the way, I typoed – I meant Wednesday the 1st of Sepember, not the 4th as I said within the text of my story – the date of the title is correct – 01 Sept.
Steve
Steve (vlfradio), thank you for sharing your heartfelt story of yours.
I was moved when reading it.
Isn’t it amazing of how the Will to LIVE, and HOPE, can unleash such strength in you?
I am very interested however by what you said about this current earthly life is “Tangible and Known”. can you describe more specific what do you mean by that?
And if I may comment about how a “well-off” people can even commit suicide, while those thousands of people in Darfur are still willing to survive,..here’s my own theory: I think it’s probably because many of us here, the ‘well-off’ ones have probably seen the ‘TOP’ of the System,..and we can sense that there’s really NOTHING that we desire even up there at the top of this ‘materialism’ System, as I’m sure you’ve also keenly aware yourself.
While those thousands of people in Darfur, or third-world, developing countries (including here in my country, Indonesia) probably still only have the BASIC needs, and perhaps they THOUGHT that by getting into the TOP of the System (ie: material wealth fulfilled, they’re getting rich, have all the diamonds and yachts and cars) would easily make their lives HAPPIER…..while we all know too well that that’s NOT the answer!
If all material possessions and status is the answer, then tell me how come so many seemingly successful glorious artists up there still committed suicide?? and it’s all everywhere, from America, Europe, until the recent ‘mass-suicide’ by so many famous artists in Korea!
We have forgotten the most BASIC things that can make us happy.
and also those most basic things that makes us……HUMAN.
Love.
Peace.
Friends.
Supporting one another.
Caring each other.
Not judging, hating each other.
Love Nature.
Becoming one with Mother Earth.
Together work for the common cause: advance of humanity along with caring for the Planet.
Niki: You just made me think of something; I watched a film recently called Lilya 4-ever, it’s about a 15 yr old russian girl whose mum leaves her to go and live with a fella in the states. Literally leaves her alone with no money in a run down flat in a shitty neighborhood. Her aunt comes and takes her from that flat and puts her in an even worse one that is so skanky it’s untrue. After a while the electricity is cut off and she only has one blanket. In the neighborhood is a boy of 12 or 13 whose parents beat him up and keep throwing him out of the house onto the streets, where by the way, it’s freezing cold. These two kids become friends. They are unloved, starving and have no future. The little boy often goes to an overpass and sits there wanting to jump off (commit suicide) one day the girl finds him there and saves him. They go back the cold blanket on the concrete ground where they sleep (and glue sniff if they are lucky enough to have to some glue) and he talks about wanting to kill himself. It made me so sad to hear these words from a 12 year old boy who hates his short life so much that he wants to die. Despite the girl just finding out that her aunt had actually moved herself into her old flat and wont give her any money for food, and that the local boys all broke in and gang raped her – she tells the little boy that he should never think about committing suicide and she genuinely was appalled that he had ever thought of it. It really made me wonder how this girl had survived all she had been put through and had never thought of killing herself. It made me think about life in general (and god etc) and then your message made me think about it again. Also despite how life had treated these two kids and despite the grime and depressive area they live in and face everyday (they had never seen niceness), despite all this, they laughed with each other and really cared and loved one another, they were such beautiful little souls.
As it happened, the girl got involved with a lad who tricked her into going to to work in Sweden picking vegetables, but when she got there she was locked into a high rise flat and forced to prostitute herself, she continued to be starving and cold etc. The little boy killed himself cause she had left him and she dreamt of him a lot (she saw him playing basket ball with wings like an angel). Eventually when she could escape she ran to the nearest overpass and jumped straight off without hesitation. She died and joined the little boy with wings. Depressing I know (and long, sorry to go on) but I wonder what had changed in the girl from russia to sweden – did it just become worse? Is there a line that people cross of how much they can take from life?
Being suicidal doesn’t always have anything to do with your circumstances, many wealthy people kill themselves. I think it depends on how realistic you are about life, weather you’re poor or rich, if you are smart enough to to have a realistic view of what your future holds, and you don’t like it, that can make you suicidal. Whilst I agree to a certain degree that we never really know what our future holds, I think it is some kind of defense mechanism that humans have created, another reason to ignore the obvious and believe in something ‘magical’. It’s all about that ‘hope’ thing that we all have until we are worn down to such a degree that we can no longer fool ourselves. Jenttar; that russian girl in the film you watched, although her life was mapped out to be shit, she still had some hope when she was in russia but she lost that hope when things got worse. The reason her opinion changed so dramatically about suicide is simply due to that fact that she could no longer count on ‘hope’.
@Niki
thanks for writing that list of things that should make up our lives, include the Family too, absolutely essential in an individual.
The reasons of the human crisis lies in the alienating nature of capitalism placed in the year 2010. It is breaking people down.
Capitalism was the lure and greedy and easy way of gathering material goods, after the wars when everybody needed basically everything but that was in the 50, 60 and 70s. It is all over now and forever. The consequences of the wrongly conceived structure of capitalism have reached the limit. Resources being the more and more scarce, prices soaring, real estate speculation, odious working conditions, competition, it is turning lives into hell. Many women are developing psychosis for having been pushed by Modernity liberation into a challenging and aggresive system that does not suit their more sensitive nature. Around 80% of people subject to the demands of productivity per hour have developed already a sort of mental condition, which ranges from mild depression, to you name it.
I have stepped out of the System, I have only worked 7 years in my life and have already retired. I dont have the mental and physical strength to work in such conditions. In my particular case i could early retire on the one side because the family was well off and on the other that I did not engage in any burdens such as children, wife etc, although this latter I just could not make it. Now, my mission in life is to help those in distress particularly, the children, the elderly and the ill.
O
Well as usual today, I find myself crying at all of the stories and comment people are saying in this wonderful website. I myself am recovering – taking iron supplements, drinking good juices, feeling hugely better (severe blood -loss can be nasty as I have just researched). Still very tired a lot, but a tad less each day.
Hmmm, where to begin – firstly, Niki, you have said some beautiful, gorgeous things I really resonate with – I have been spending time with friend in my teeny desert town today – helping them – and that is a lot of it – living for others and not being consumed by oneself, Love, peace, and the other things you say – yes – really resonates with me.
How do I eleborate about life being “Tangible and Known” – I guess in a nutshell it is just that – life is familiar – all of us here reading all of this are still living – we KNOW what it is like to live – whether we find our present lives quite good, or on the other extreme, pure hell. But none of us alive know what death (and a “afterlife” if any) is like – that is totally unknown–we can only imagine what death is like – a big blank – darkness, etc. That is why I said “known” – the word “tangible” (grabbing a dictionary here) the definition “possible to understand” is probably the closest definition.
oracle – yeah, your thoughts about capitalism are true to my eyes and ears to: look at the destruction (esp. multi-national corporations) are doing to the planet. Humans for as long as we have studies history, have never lived like we do today – in gigantic, isolating, alienating, noisy, smelly, sprawl-cities, with worsening air everywhere, a pounding, manic media- machine that in its myriad of ways (esp. TV) is sorta brainwashing people into being combatitive hyper-consuming entities. (including in my remote desert locale – I see smog sometimes here too). Reality is, all of this deterioration to the planet is causing terrible psychological consequeces to people.
That is why I really HAD to bail out of the urban-rat-race of the San Francisco Bay Area in 1997 and live more simply in a small desert town, which is much more laid-back and actually quite neighborly, run my own home business rather than take the subtle and often not-too-subtle psych. abuse of the workplace – like being a cog in a gigantic corporate machine – it all can be de-humanizing. And wqith the ongoing march of technology and population growth everywhere, this all can only get worse until something large than mankind (or smaller, in the case of a microbe/pandemic) knocks human civilization down to smaller, slower levels again (and that will in itself be a sad, but perhaps necessary event to happen, whenever it will (some think it is looming in late 2012 – we’ll see).
A neighbor of mine whom spends a lot of time camping out in remote desert places said years ago – “Our cup runneth over” and he is right. Modern living can be quite overwhelming in its excess and intensity. I admit here that I am half-dropped out – moved to the desert, went on disability, and make some extra money with a small cottage business in radio – it has kept me “saner” than if I had stayed near San Francisco.
But I’m trying to shy away from to much cynicism about “civilization” and its consequences and desire to keep to a more sensitive, compassionate view of all of our struggles and sufferings with living – those “tangibilities” to use that word again.
I would like to make more comments but I am getting sleepy again – the consequences of that blood-loss. I will leave it here for now: of all the things that went through my head as I was laying there fading away with blood-loss out there in the desert, is that fundamentally I became extremely, extremely frightened – that feeling overrode feelings that I would devastate my family, etc. – I simply became deeply scared to the bone, and hence, suddenly wanted to LIVE, so I staunched the blood flow and then did my arduous back-crawl back to my car and drove home – to recover. I really feel horrible for those whom suicide in a quick-fashion – with the common gunshot wounds, purposeful accidents, etc. – they didn’t have time to contemplate their looming deaths like I did as I was fading-away, and reverse out of it. That makes me cry.
One last thing for now – and I’ll be back here in a few days (I need a mental break for the time being) – I do not desire to go remote camping for a good while – I prefer to be around my neighbors and friends here in town, and will visit my parents in 4 weeks – I will hug my father like I have never done before – with deeper love and greater appreciation that I am still “here” to hug him.
I’ll make more comments in a few days – I know I could say a lot more – you all commenting here are saying very good things! Thank you and take care all – Peace, Steve
PS – If this website saves ONE life, it’s existence is validated beyond measure. I shall do my best to be a continuing contributor in deep hopes this happens! -s- I gotta go for now – I’m to teary-eyed to see the computer screen well…
Hi Steve. That’s quite an interesting and inspirational experience you had there. Forgive my unbelief, I just find it quite unusual that someone could go through such an ordeal to come home and subsequently write such a detailed articulate report about it. Some great replies above too. Look forward to reading more contributions from you and others.