why am i here?

i have one friend.   i cant confide my feelings in them becuz they dont wanna hear about death.  so  i dont say anything.  my family gets upset.

everyone says im imagining things.  im talented, pretty, smart, …everything that i know im not…..

i dont know why they keep saying those things.  they KNOW its not true. they just dont want me to feel bad.  but it just makes me more angry becuz i know they’re just trying to “ease my mind” of some sorts.

every boyfriend ive ever had, has left me.  its cuz im not pretty enough.  i KNOW thats what it is.  im a GOOD girlfriend. im funny, im attentive, im affectionate, understanding, patient….and everything else good for a relationship.  yes….i have my faults…but i admit when im wrong, i have no problem communicating or saying im sorry.  what more do i have to be to be loved?

its got to be my looks.   yea..lots of people have said im pretty….aside from my mother, my sister, and all my mothers older female friends…..no one has.

none of my bf have told me they were attracted to me.

after breaking up, id like to be friends but…they dont.  they dont want to be bothered.  they say hi just to be polite but thats about it.   but when it comes to favors they act interested, inquireing about how my day was…….like im stupid.

then they get upset when i point out the fact that they werent at all interested in anything that had to do with me when i just needed someone to talk to.  …thats not just my exes…..these are SO CALLED friends.

so recently..ive given the middle finger to “trying”  to be anybodys friend.

so im not working…not by choice…just…a series of unfortunate events…  ive gained 50lbs within the past year.  so…i look in the mirror…and its just….discusting.  and now i dont want a bf.  cuz i know they wouldnt want me this way.    at one point i remember being at a healthy weight……i just realized JUST last week…..its because that was the only time in my life where i was actually content with life…….i had found love.   but……it didnt last long.  not because he left….because i moved..and thought that things would be able to work out…..but naturally we drifted apart.  that was 2 yrs ago.  and now….he could care less about me, and i still love him.

im lonely…..no one invites me anywhere..cept my brother…but i look so horrible..i dont want to go out ….i dont want people to see me.  my skin used to be so beautiful…just recently idk whats happened…but i no longer have a flawless complexion….i look like im going thru peuberty…every time i move, i feel my fat body….i feel my double chin when i look down…my clothes dont fit right….im so uncomfortable all the time…and i dont have many clothes.

females ALWAYS look at me when i go out….and they give me dirty looks…..my mom NEVER sees it.  she says im “imagining” it.  no im not.  they look…and then they whisper and/or snicker….but she never sees it.   idk why they do that.   i must just be very ugly.

i feel so worthless.  i was suppose to be married 4 seperate, serious times…but then again..ive never had a proper proposal…the one ive been dreaming of….i suppose thats my fault tho because…i always settled for less than i knew i should have.  but when u love someone and ur both broke..all u want is to be together.

i’ll never get the wedding i want.  ever.  ill never have a wedding period.  even if i did….noone would come.   im 28….and ive never been proposed to.  no one ever fought for me.  or came after me when i said i was leaving…when i said i was thru with this.

and this very last time…….i was just left standing in the cold dust.

and i dont talk about these incidences accept for with my only friend…..but never the entire story…cuz…..i dont like to burden people with my problems so much.   so i just keep it all in.  and for a while there….i was so good at gettin over it.  and moving on.    i guess its caught up with me cuz i cant even wake up in the morning…and when i finally do, i cant move…and when i do….i only get as far as the recliner downstairs…and i sit there…with tears rolling down my face …til the next thing i know….its dusk….

sometimes i forget to feed my dogs becuz im just so sad….its taken me 2 months to get myself to get up and go out to find work.  the only reason i am trying to work at all, is because i want to send my mother some money.

she IS….the ONLY reason i am still alive at this moment.

so when i start working…i’ll get up, and go to work…and i”ll come back, and go to sleep so i can do it all again…5, maybe  6 days a week…then i’ll get a paycheck…and put it in the bank, so that i can pay a fone to stay on, that noone calls me or txts me on…to pay lights and water, …the same lights and water that i use to get ready for work and bed…     to buy food…that i eat.to keep myself energized for work….

so basically, im working, to make money, to basically keep myself alive, and functioning,…to work….to pay bills…and i pay bills..because im living..im using resources…but im only using them, because i need to ….so i can prepare for work………

its stupid to me.    why am i here..?     i dont help anyone..  none of my little cousins look up to me anymore.    on the other hand theyre not little anymore.

i dnt fb anymore cuz …no one writes me.  no one looks at or likes what i post.  so i deactivated my account.  cuz it just depressed me, that noone wants to write me ..or say hey.  or “like” .   thats depressing.  to ONLY have over 100 friends…and none of them but ur immediate family says anything to u.

it hurts.  it hurts when i look in the mirror… it hurts to watch tv because i see all these beautiful women, and realize ..no wonder noone wants to be with me.

i have to be that, or look like it, or resemble it for anyone to even want to love me.   so what do i do? i buy video after video,  of workouts, i go on diets , join weight watchers, different meal plans different methods…..n i dont just do it for a few weeks and give up no! im diligent.. months!

i cant do it……..im gettin no results…and im deffinatly not feeling any better about myself.   i feel like a waste of space.

why am i here??    i wasted my youth being scared to do things i wanted to do becuz of what my family might say about it, or because of stupidity or weak nerves, ..or no nerves.   and if it wasnt any of those things…it was depression.

im in debt…because id rather help my mother than to pay a credit card bill…but my debt i dont regret.  not one bit.  family comes first..  in my mind….psht..i’ll just go bankrupt then u know…  idc.  i’ll go bankrupt 12x if it means my mother doesnt have to worry… if it means she can be at ease.

its not so much the things that are wrong…..its the fact that when i try to fix them, i cant .  i TRY….and i cant. cuz im a failure.    i used to pray for just 1 day…just ONE day…of peace.   of happiness.. i just wanted to know what it felt like…to not worry, or feel self conscience, to feel confident, to not fake my smile, to feel content with myself, and my life, to feel beautiful, to feel no regret, no guilt…….no pain.       but i never got that day.

ive had some good days dont get me wrong…….but the sadness, …the deep….agony…never went away on those days.  it was quiet…but sittin right next to me……and when the day was comming to an end….i felt as if…it was waiting for me when i got home.

if uve gotton this far in reading my thoughts….wow.  and thanx for listening.  …but also, u must understand what i feel somehow.  and ….that doesnt make me happy at all….cuz that means…ur hurting inside…

so im sorry.

im waiting for the right time…to leave this place.   i will never be happy.

i accept that, the “love of my life” will never find me.  probably because he doesnt exist.  it hurts…but ive accepted it.   the one thing in my life that i want more than anything is to be married…i want someone that i can call my partner.  im tired of hauling garbage alone, goin out at night, dragging baskets and bags to the laundry mat, shopping, cooking, watching movies, sleeping…waking up….alone.

everything i do hurts.  it hurts so bad inside something i cant explain.  the feeling is so unbearable sometimes i just..gasp around others…and put my head in my hands.  because its getting to the point where its very hard for me to fake it now.     i have to excuse myself ..so i can go cry.

i hate seeing couples.  i hate young couples..especially ones ive baby sat..and now their married with kids and happy.   young, silly….but happy non-the-less.

and here i am, deleting my account on a dating site because noone is interested in me on there either…and tears goin down my face every 14 min becuz idk wats so wrong about me.

if noone wants anything to do with me….then why am i here.

i used to love alot of things…i used to have alot of interest….but now all im interested in, is death.

as backwards as it sounds…i long companionship so much…but id rather just be alone now.  im so lonely but i cant bring myself to go out.

ive spent this whole summer trying to pull myself together.  trying to get over all my heartbreak……i was doing so good.  but like i said before….its catching up with me.  im not happy at all anymore.  at times…i just sit at the table……and cry.

my poor dogs.  i take care of them….but, i dont play nearly as much with them as i used to.   and i live at a complex..so they dont have the run of the yard.  and i try to let them play..but i cant stand out there for very long…cuz being outside just brings back memories that i dont want to surface.

its horrible.    my whole life…yes….as far back as i can remember…ive known in my mind, that im not depressed..im just very unhappy.  VERY.  and there are things that COULD fix it…..but those things will never come about….so i will always be unhappy….

my mom always said im just depressed and if i got on medication id feel better. ….well we tried that….it ddnt work.  SHE says i ddnt give it enough time.   …

i say….no, theres just nothing wrong with me.  chemically that is…..

but ….on days like these..where its dark , and i still need to do the 40 things i ddnt do yesterday……and people look at me funny when i go in the gas station because theyr tryina figure out..am i sick or have i been crying….and i spend hrs just sittin in my  car after ive arrived home, becuz thats about the only place where nothing bad has happend to me….

……i dont know what else it COULD be.

all i know….is that whatever it is………….im tired of it.

*sigh*