This is my first time here, and it’s nice to know that there are others out there like me. I’ve tried to off myself a few times, got my stomach pumped and was stuffed in more mental hospitals than I count. I’ve been diagnosed as depressed, bipolar,PTSD, OCD, bulimic and BPD. I don’t know which of these are right, but every doctor I go to seems to have a different opinion.
When I was 14, a boyfriend I had at the time raped and tried to kill me by burning down the house I was in. I’m 19 now. Part of me hoped that as time went on, dealing with it would get easier. It never did. All of the normal parts of me died that night, and now I’m stuck with all of the disgusting parts of myself. Now, most nights I have dreams about being raped and set on fire. I don’t like being in groups of people and I don’t trust people.
Also, I’ve gotten to where I cope with it by having freaky sex with anybody willing. I like it when people cut me with knives and beat me. I don’t know how it all started, but almost every time I get with somebody I come back covered in bruises and bleeding.
I can’t keep a job, I just can’t focus on anything for long periods of time. I’m so paranoid, and I get angry at people so easily. I’m overly emotional, and prone to having breakdowns every once in a while. I know it’s going to happen from time to time, but there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. The guy I’m seeing is also fairly abusive, and I honestly don’t believe that I deserve to be happy. And I cheat on him all the time.
I feel like there is nothing I can do to fix anything. I’ve spent years in therapy, nothing has helped at all. I’ve been on so many medications, and therapists usually just feel bad for me. I think that I’ll probably end my own life by the time I’m 25.
3 comments
Maybe you should find a different outlet, instead of messing with guys or going to therapy. It seems like althugh you get bruised up by these men it’s almost a comfort zone for you to be in. Push men to the side right now. Take part in an activity that you think you will enjoy. Sometimes just having something to do that has nothing to do with what’s going on in your life now, will help. I understand you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix it, but give that idea a shot. It may be hard but just try it out, you deserve to be happy
hey that’s sux, it’s all easy to say ‘find a counselor or therapist’ but I know what’s that like. although I understand your mind and soul is damaged, I think you should at least try to work it out. are you able to cry? If so, stay with that, because that’s the cure..
Underneath the cuts and bruises, the pain and trauma, lies something wonderful;
You
You are worth it.
A chance for a peaceful life.
Safety.
Hope.
Love.
Even now, sharing your story, coping with your trauma, you are forging a path to healing.
You deserve it.
OM shanti