Where do I begin…. I am so lost and I feel so let down with life.nothing excites me anymore. All I do is work and for what I have nothing to show. No saved up money or new car. Nothing. I just live to support daily habits. I had so many goals when I was young but now fresh out of high school I have not one. Nothing interests me and believe me I try so hard to find that one thing. I smile everyday but come home and just look at myself and see nothing. I thought that maybe if I surrounded myself with people it would make me feel better but all it does is make me hate myself for not being like them. And honestly I try. In high school I was real shy and quiet and was always unnoticed. So I started watching the people around me and mimicked their actions. And it worked but I now have nothing real I’m just a empty shell made out of different people like a robot. I always question if I am me or somebody else. I am lost nothing and no one. What is the meaning of his life if I have no goal. I am so unhappy and always think about how my family would react to my death. And sometimes I think they will be okay because I have a twin so they still have One child left. I so bad want to feel joy and full because I can’t take this emptiness I feel, it is killing me inside everyday to know im unhappy.
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Charlie, what you are articulating is a dilemma that affects probably everyone on this planet at one time or another. How much can I risk being me, or will it lead to social rejection (which is a kind of death to our species)? And if I DON’T risk being me, I risk becoming alienated from my own self…living inauthentically and hating myself for it.
It may be hard to undo your habit of faking it to make it as it were. But I think that this is a challenge you owe it to yourself to face. Above all, know that you are so very far from being alone in experiencing this tension between necessary conformity to the norm, and being true to yourself.
Zoe x