I haven’t posted on here in awhile, I’ve been trying to get away from it all. The cutting and the pill popping. But at the same time I was trying to get away from the help. I just wanted to be nowhere, or anywhere far away. I couldn’t take any of it, it was just too overwhelming.
I’ve never been one to ask for help or talk about my problems. I’ve always been the one to hide in the shadows and put on fake smiles. I don’t like bothering people with what’s going on in my life, because they probably don’t care. And even if they do, the wouldn’t know what to say. I hate putting people in that type of situation. But that’s why I like it here, I just forgot about all the help it gave me. You could release all your problems and your struggles into a piece of writing or poetry or whatever and not have to worry about what people think. You could be anonymous and people could still reach out and know exactly how you’re feeling. You could ask for help, and people would be there. Giving out their emails and letting you know you could contact them. It was such a great feeling, and I don’t know why I left. So I want to come back and release all my anger as I once did.
Quite a few of people on this website do some type of self-harm. I cut, as well as sometimes pop a few pills. If you’ve read my first post, you’d know my story. If you haven’t, I’ll sum it up for you as well as add on.
I had just turned 13 in January 2011, when my mom was kicked out of my house. She had a drinking problem and continually yelled at my family and me. We were tired of it. So she left and I didn’t see her for about a month. She started renting out a room in a house and I’d occasionally go over and see her, apart from her driving me around and going out together. We maintained an okay relationship, I had actually started to forgive her. But then she relapsed and she did it again, and again, and again. From that point, I had no intention of ever forgiving her. Even when she tried to get better again after that, I knew we’d never be the same again. By that time, when she was trying to get better again, she started living back in my house. After a couple months, it started again. All the drinking and the yelling. My dad and I knew she’d be drunk at times. My sister would say it, but never believe it. She’d always been the one to stand up for my mom. I’d always been the one to keep my expectations low. After awhile of all the shit going on, my dad finally kicked her out again. But this time, he sent divorce papers with her.
You know how when parents get divorced, their kids are usually heartbroken and begging for them to get back together? Well that’s not how it was for me. I was happy my parents were getting divorced. I was tired of all the bullshit I had to put up with my mom. I didn’t want for us to be a family, or at least, I didn’t want her in it. I wanted it to just be my dad, my sister, and me. And that’s how it’s stayed for this past summer, I hope it stays this way for the rest of my life.
A few weeks ago, I found out my mom drank again, for the millionth time after saying she’d get better. This time she went to rehab. I didn’t really care, I was at my friends house when I found out and I didn’t want to go home or see her in the hospital. I didn’t want my moms stupidity to be taken out on my life. She’s called me once since being in rehab, but I, of course, didn’t answer. She actually had given me a letter a couple months back that I hadn’t gotten around to reading to, I still don’t plan on it. That’s where I am now, not really caring or willing to forgive. At least, that’s where I am with my mom. I have a whole other set of problems.
Beginning of July, I went to the beach with my best friend. Her family stays with their family friend. A boy my age was apart of that family. We all became friends and the night before my friend and I were leaving, we snuck out. That night I made out with the boy and he ended up fingering me. I thought it’d be just for fun, but he wanted to hang out again. He liked me more than just physically. So we hung out again, and that night he asked me out. I said yes and we dated for about two more weeks, hanging out a couple times within that time. School started, and he went to a different school. It was hard to maintain a long-distance relationship being a freshman, even though he only lived about half an hour away, so we broke up.
That weekend, I hung out with an old flame from seventh grade. We pretty much ran all the bases that night, except for sex. It started out as playing truth or dare. We were dared to kiss. And we did. Then we started making out. Then everyone left. It was just us two. So we starting feeling each other up, we layed down. I gave him a hand job, he fingered me. He ate me out, I gave him a blow job. From the moment we finished, I instantly regretted it. How could I been so naïve that night. I hated myself, and that following day, I cut.
I go to a magnet school, so a lot of new kids came. This girl on my soccer team introduced me to a new guy in my magnet program. We started talking, and about a week or so later, he asked me to homecoming. He made a big cookie and spelling out “homecoming?” in icing. It was really sweet and I said yes. This past weekend we hung out. We saw a movie with a couple friends, “The Words.” (Tip, don’t see it.) He had his arm around me throughout the whole movie and then he kissed me. Just a peck. Then he did it twice more later. We then starting making out. I know, I’m such a slut. But when I got home, I realized I missed the boy from the beach.
The boy from the beach was my best friend. I told him everything, about my mom and my cutting. He cut too because his dad was a jerk. So we both helped each other out. We leaned on each other, but I felt guilty. I shouldn’t put my problems on someone I love, even though that’s what people who love you want to do. That’s another reason we broke up, because I felt guilty.
So back to the new kid. I don’t know what to do with him. He likes me and we’re going to homecoming together in a month. He’s also planning on asking me to be his girlfriend. I’m really bad at relationships, I get tired of them really easily but I love having somebody, which basically means I’m selfish. I know I sound like a ***** or a slut, or both, but I need help.
Should I stay and work things out with the new guy I’m going to homecoming with, or just stay friends with him and go back to the boy from the beach? Or should I just end things with both of them? I’m such a fuck up and I don’t know what to do…
1 comment
You’re young, you’re enjoying sex and affection from multiple directions~ you’re a girl who not only has one boy to choose from, but two. You’re not even 18 yet, and already your romantic life is superior to a great number of people. You communicate well, and efficiently. In essence, the only problem here is you considering yourself a slut because… gasp, you like sex. You don’t need help. Nothing is wrong with you for being what you are. There are a lot of girls who can’t have what you have, at all~ worst part is, this is just the start for you. Eventually both these guys will be kind of whispers in memory as you’re older and doing things with a lot more permanence in your life, like school, work, finding a place. Your likes and dislikes will be more solid. You’ll be doing things slightly in your own patterns, under your own terms. Maybe you’ll be on your own, or with a friend~ the guys you’ll meet (and you’ll meet them, you’ve proven you can) will be a lot closer to what you want. You might remember these two guys fondly, but it’ll just be that boy at the beach and that kid you were introduced to at school. Whatever. Not to belittle these moments~ but they’re literally as temporary as can be~ and if they defined you as a *****, a slut, or selfish~ then every pretty girl is the same. Every day someone like you is going through exactly the same routine. Some handling it better than others. When your worst problem is “Should I choose happiness here, or here? Oh I’m such a fuck up~ I can’t decide which happiness is best… maybe I should choose unhappiness instead”… you don’t have a problem, you have a choice. Most people don’t get that far.