There are so many things someone can say to help another human being. It’s a beautiful sentiment and I wish, deep in my heart that it can apply to me, but it can’t, it really can’t. So few understand how it feels, or what we go through when we’re like this. When we are the opposite gender of our bodies and all we have to fix it, is its systematic destruction through hormones and surgery. I feel like a freak, and I’m empty, worst of all because I don’t feel I’ll ever be like the lucky few who can make it without anyone knowing… who can get love, affection and a satisfaction with their identity simply because they don’t allow discrimination in their lives. their transformation is complete. They aren’t trans, they are simply men or women~ and I feel like I am neither, and can never be neither. I am hollow and empty. I feel incomplete, unfinished and I’ll never quite get there. It hurts to wake up in the morning. Being in my body, feels like someone is constantly dragging nails on a chalkboard again and again~ and though when I look in the mirror I don’t quite cry anymore, it’s because I feel so ridiculously hollow. I feel empty. Wear a mask for halloween one day but keep it on for days and imagine that’s how the world sees you. How you should live your life regardless of what’s within it. I can paint over it all I want, or change it with blades and drugs, but in the end it’s a mask and I can’t anymore. I just can’t… -.- It’s so much work~ just to have something others can take for granted… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t breath, and I just want it to end… to hope that there is one great reset button to just try again until my soul gets it right, and if there is nothing after this, then good riddance… because I’m tired of feeling pain just for being alive. -.- All those birthday cakes and candles blown since I was lil, wishing for something that’ll never be…. can never be… there are no such thing as wishes that really come true in this world. That’s why we blow out candles… because little embers that are lit like that in our hearts should be blown out… it makes sense to me now. I’m sorry… it’s just too much… way too much…
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Hey Krysta, i think you’re right when you say no one can really understand what it’s like. I have no idea what people in you’re position mean when you say you don’t “feel right” in your bodies. I definitely don’t think you’re a freak though. I can’t understand why anyone would look at you any differently then another person. You’re just as deserving of love as anyone else.
Is this something that is absolutely necessary? Is there no way at all you could live with the gender you are? If you can’t, do you think you’d be unable to accept yourself after changing your body? If you’re male going to female maybe you could do drag lol, it seemed to work for the people on RPDR.
I hope you have friends who know about this and support you. If you need one i will 🙂
You’re right, Krysta. Everyone should love themselves and everyone else for who they are, as they are, not for some expectation. The idea that acceptance is a spectacle is beyond me. Some people are just cruel… Its sad and it hurts like hell. Its not bad karma, youve had enough. I know. Look if you wanna talk or vent, you can peek into the SP Chat and there are a good friendly bunch there. You can email me, Krysta. I would love to make another friend. I hope youre okay.
I’m trans too..
🙁 I am so sorry. I hope that there is a great big reset button that will make things right too… (((hugs))) if it is ok
Sweetie, look at Rupaul. Would you be happy being her? Move to New York city, there are a lot of people like you there. You can find a community where you feel you belong. I know a lot of hairdressers (male) that join many events like beauty contests and drag shoes and they are muuuch happier than I am. There is a place for you, you just have to go find it. xo
Yeah, what black swan said; don’t “sashay away”.
My room-mate is trans. He is in class right now, but I emailed him your post. I’m sure he will get back with you soon. He is in his fifties and has been a trans for quite a while. He also heads up the LGBT organization at the community college he’s currently attending. I’m sure he will have some advise for you…hang in there.
Nolent~ I hope this “he” you refer to, is a female to male trans… -.- Because if not you’ve just proven my point.
No I would not like to be Rupaul. No I do not want to be defined by my transsexuality. I just want to be a girl. Period. Nobody looks up people because of their gender, but their qualities. I can’t be defined by my gender~ this isn’t a life. At all.
I don’t want to be a part of a community. Would you? A community defined by your inability to ever, in a million years exist? :< Recently, a young transgirl just joined the girl scouts, and she got SO much conflict… and to this day so many transboys can't join the boy scouts either.
They can't even be boys or girls~ they're given nothing. :< Ever.
They don't want to join the trans scouts~ they just want to be them. Yet they're expected to be happy in this void between genders as if they're less than either. Maybe they can face it better with love, and family~ but eventually they'll grow older. These 6-7 year old kids will be 40~ and still suffering. Can you imagine that? Dealing with this for that long? It's a nightmare. ;~;
I really appreciate the comments here~ but I'm not trying to pretend to be my gender. I am not a drag queen. I am not a cross dresser~ -.- No, there is no way I can be happy with being this way. It's not a handicap I can get used to. It's like you've lost an arm and leg at both, except its your entire body. I don't feel like I'm really here~
Thank you for being sweet~~ if I seem ungrateful, I'm sorry, but it just feels like I'm listening to warmth through this loud scream in my ear trying to smother you and it's not your fault at all, it's just me… my only option to live is to somehow be happy with being a freak, or being able to hide in a crowd and be as undetectable just to survive… that's the future every doctor, therapist, suicide hotline and the world is giving me. That if I can't hide it, and live in that hiding to the day I die, I'll always feel this…
It's a heavy, heavy burden~ ;~;
Krysta I sympathise how tough it is… Trans have it really rough… From what I’ve seen they are alienated in mainstream society as well as the gay lesbian community. I had a lesbian fried decide to become a man, and quite a few of her lesbian friends shunned her for it. Right now I’m working on the psych ward of a hospital, one of the patients is Trans and the staff kept calling her ‘him’. When my colleague finally pointed out ‘she’s a her, not a him’ one of the ignorant nurses said ‘yeah but if it looks like a man, you can’t really call it a her, right?’
I get you just want to be you instead of defined by your gender.i hope one day there will be a space in the world for you.
Krysta I sympathise how tough it is… Trans have it really rough… From what I’ve seen they are alienated in mainstream society as well as the gay lesbian community. I had a lesbian fried decide to become a man, and quite a few of her lesbian friends shunned her for it. Right now I’m working on the psych ward of a hospital, one of the patients is Trans and the staff kept calling her ‘him’. When my colleague finally pointed out ‘she’s a her, not a him’ one of the ignorant nurses said ‘yeah but if it looks like a man, you can’t really call it a her, right?’
I get you just want to be you instead of defined by your gender. There is a space In the world for you… It just might take some searching to find it
That’s just it, Krysta… No one here is even suggesting you hide, but the opposite, to be the best you. Only you can decide what that means. I mean I admire Olympians for their health, but that aint me. I also love people as they are, because pretending is bad. You just want to be a happy girl? No one but you can say you arent. Please, accept yourself as a happy girl, Krysta. Everyone else can be themselves for all anyone should be concerned with. You live for yourself. When the day comes that another wants to share the rest of it with you, remember, youre just compromising by sharing. Youre still you. People can be bad, but love is real. I hope youll be fine.
You don’t seem ungrateful, you seem frustrated and really upset, which is totally understandable. What you are going through is just plain cruel, and people can be cruel too. Please try as much as you can to somehow be ok with it so that you can be happy. I know that it can feel like it is hopeless or too hard, but maybe with support from people that care about you and help from therapy, you can be more accepting of yourself.
Kysta , I am the roommate that Nolen spoke of earlier. Being transgendered person is not easy for those that do transition and those that love us because society has a hard way to understand transgender-ism.What makes it harder to fitting in with society at best , frustration, anger and hate within self can be a harm to self. My suggestion is to get on line and find outlet social sites where you will be able to communicate with other like your self .If you can seek to find LGBT Organizations that may be able to lead you to find Transgender support groups . Seek me further for you have a friend here . THE JOURNEY is not easy but can less complicating with others at your side.
Kirista, I too am transgendered.So I know exactly how you feel. It actually hurt to read your post. But imagine all of the transgirls/transguys before you who have felt the same way. All the ones who will feel so same way after you. We have to be strong. Why do you want societies acceptance so much? The fact that that we don’t already have it just shows it’s ignorance. So what is it really worth? After all we are always going to be transgendered. Whether we transition or not. Even the trans people who have been post op for years and have everyone believe that they are just another cis-gendered person.I actually feel like if no trans person ever went “stealth” that trans people today would be so better off. I plan on transitioning and being openly trans no matter what I do. Because I am transgendered. I am a girl, but I am still a transgendered girl. It’s part of the fabric of my nature. That’s just the truth.And for everyone’s information, Ru Paul is a man. He is a gay man who happens to be a drag queen. Drag queens are not trans. They are men.
Yeah, i feel as though mentioning rupaul may of been somewhat insulting and i apologize to krista/allison+ anyone else. I didn’t mean to feed any stereotypes, but i thought that it may be a way to feel more like you want to without being able to fully cross over. There was one girl on season 2 named Sonique who did drag because it helped her feel more like a woman while she was waiting for her surgery(she is a complete woman now)
Don’t worry about it too much. It’s really easy to insult transgendered people. And we tend to over react sometimes. It’s not like you would know what not to say to a trans person unless you know a few personally.
ok, life its not easy if you fuk up then thats it you fukedt up. i just posted something afew min ago i think u might be interested im not trans but i have dealed with them and they all screwed in my opinion and im just screwed like them
I want so bad to say something to comfort you. This is where I learned how to be a civilised person when it came to trans people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BSaPyvuZzQ
I love her. She’s just a pretty young woman. She’s a little alternative in her look but really not outrageous. I have a friend who went female to male and I thought I should educate myself. I have many other friends who do gender studies and we have all been learning about the wonderful array of human gender.
The thing is, learning how to behave. If people could just be respectful it would really help. You’re going through enough without their not even trying to understand. People want so bad for everyone to fit in a black and white box that they have no idea how to treat someone who doesn’t fit in their box.
I want you to know that there are random people in this world who don’t suffer as you do but want very much for you to suffer less. It’s a slow thing to change society but it does happen eventually. We’re always trying to spread awareness. This has been another good resource for me: http://transwhat.org/allyship/
I know you just want to BE who you ARE and not be defined by your transsexuality but I need to point out to you that we are all defined by our gender. When people see you as a woman they will judge you as a woman. Weak, paid less, emotional, sex object, your body is government property, etc. We all deal with hugely unfair judgements based solely on our gender from the day we’re born. If that weren’t true no one would have a problem with transgendered people and they would integrate into society seamlessly. No one would give a shit about a little boy who wanted to wear pink shoes.
But I realize that’s only part of your problem. You don’t want to destroy your body becoming what you should have always been. I hope you find a way to cope with this. People do. There has to be a way.
Hi Krysta,
Guess how i came here?
I ended up in the previous post and noticed yours and since i am the same as you i read it.
I made an account here specifically to reply.
I know exactly what you mean.
You lose friends, family, your job (if you had one) and it seems not worth it all.
For me there are good days and bad days, I seem to pass on my good days but there’s always this fear of being spotted which is exactly the point i think.
Cis women don’t have this fear of being spotted, they can look butch and nobody will ever doubt they are women.
Even if some people would doubt it, they probably won’t give a shit because they know they are women.
If someone calls me “sir” it hurts for days. (thank god that didn’t happen for a while now) and there are some people that do it on purpose because they know me from before my transition.
Some of those people are just too stupid to burn so…, i forgive them.
I think that is the biggest part, you have to forgive them and most of all…, yourself.
It’s not your fault and you have to try to embrace being who and what you are.
Having said that, I know it’s not easy to live like this but damn, if it was easy it probably wouldn’t be half the fun.
Look at cis women, they don’t always have it easy either and for most of them it is also hard work to look good.
Take the good days and feed off them on the bad days and say “fuck this, I am who I am”
Like someone once told me, “it’s not my problem if someone doesn’t understand us, it’s theirs!”
Around these days it’s particularly hard, I will be alone, again, for Christmas and probably new years too.
But i will put my face on in a minute, dress nice and go to the shops and enjoy being able to walk around as ME.
And nobody can stop me because i’ll be damned if i will let anyone bring me down for being me!
I understand the negative thoughts but please be positive because I know it helps.
Reading your post made me realize I will not be trying to off myself any time soon because i have worked way too hard to be happy living like this.
Screw Christmas, I don’t do birthdays anymore anyway. 😉
Good luck with your life and may you never be spotted ever again.
I know exactly how you feel, nothing anyone can ever say will make it better, it frustrates and angers me when normal people try to sympathize as well because they haven’t a blue what they’re talking about.
unless you’re in this dark empty place you can’t make any constructive comments IMO.
Hi Krysta, I hope you’re still around and reading replies. I found your post when I woke up at 2 a.m. for no good reason. So I Googled “i hate my trans body” — which I do — and this was on the first page of results. I transitioned 7 years ago — name change, physical appearance, socially, hormones, but no surgery. But there’s no way I’m going to kill off my old self, just erase 55 years of my life, so I can try and desperately hope to pass. So yeah, I’m a trans woman, not just plain “a woman”. Why am I saying all this discouraging stuff? I dunno, I guess to establish my credibility. But really, the main reason I want to reply to your post is to say thank you. It feels awful lonely in the middle of the night in a body that’s not mine, a body I hate, at least hate tonight. I can talk to my therapists (lucky me, I have two). But I can’t talk to friends or family, even though they accept me, they don’t understand. But finding you tonight, I’m like, OK, I’m not the only one. It doesn’t fix anything, but it helps. I feel a little bit better. So thank you.