Im going to start this off and get a lot of shit off of my chest. im not trying to sound like a whiny *****, or someone who is looking for a pity party, i  just feel as if i need to say somethings.
for the longest time i have  felt like nothing, i dont know how to explain it. i just feel as if i will never amount to anything or will never accomplish anything. i see all of my old high school friends going places, and doing all these incredible things, like getting married, and having beautiful children, and moving to places that would beat the hell out of where i live. when i see this it makes me question why i even bother to live with myself. this makes me sound like a moron or a lazy bastard but Its not like im just sitting around and waiting for an opportunity. Im in my 4th year of college at age 21 , studying a degree in welding technology and associates in arts. i should be done with school within a year but i truly hate the degree im pursuing. it does not excite me in anyway possible. i know i could make a hell of a lot of money and could have a good future in it, but why continue with something if it makes you sick.
anyway ever since i was a boy ive felt this emptiness,  darkness and quite alone feeling. its like  as if i could disappear into thin air and no one would notice, i constantly feel as if im screaming and there is no one around to listen for my cries for help. i feel i cant tell my friends because ive always been the one to cheer everyone up or be the joker of the group. how could they take me serious if every time they see me, im goofing off or being stupid in front of them.
ive had this feeling of complete emptiness for a very long time and im to the point in my life where i truly do not care to exist in any shape or form. i think its from my dad leaving my mom, brother and myself for drugs and  his sex addictions. when he would return home after his spells of what he would consider his fun he would make our lives miserable. he would drink heavily, verbally abuse my brother and i , call us dumb little bastards and pieces of shit . he would threaten our lives by telling us drug dealers would murder us or we would be kidnapped and taken away for good .
ive had this plan for quite sometime now to drive as far west as possible and when i run out of gas i would find a wooded area or isolated area and shoot myself. its kind of like going on a one way trip to nowhere.
the only thing preventing me from pulling this off is my mom. shes had a very tough life, and another suicide in her life is the last thing she needs. her brother killed himself by catching himself on fire in 04. last thursday one of my moms good friends took her life after learning her husband of 20 something years  had been  cheating  on her with some girl who she had known for years . i cant imagine the pain i would do to her if i were to pull this off. but she has no idea of the pain i  feel.
i do not want to tell her whats happening to me because i feel she would be too afraid for me, and be even more over protective as she has been. and to top it off i hate shrinks, i dont want to tell my life story to some asshole doodling on a notepad so he can prescribe me some drug that would make me feel even worse. and can you imagine trying to tell a shrink that youre straight edge and dont belive in using drugs. i dont believe that would go over to well.
anyway if you took time to read this i thank you. it must sound extremely ignorant, even im asking myself why i even bother to continue typing this. thanks nate
4 comments
thanks for sharing. i could really relate to alot of it. damn, ive been feeling like no one understands, yet you must know exactly how i feel. idk what else to say. i dont mean to sound “pessimistic” or “negative” but i don’t know if there is a solution to this feeling that we have. we either live with it, or release ourselves from it = suicide.
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Degrees can get boring,but on the plus your job might be more interesting – not sitting on your a$$ reading boring books all day and you will get paid
I agree with Noom. Wait for your life to chance once you graduate. Perhaps you’ll get to move to one of those places you talk about are better and even have your own family. Good luck!
Okay…..
#1 – your dad is a jackass. Total jackass. This is not your fault in any way AT ALL. In fact, this is kind of a blessing in disguise because you have the perfect role model of how NOT to live your life. Strive to be the total opposite of everything he is and stands for. This is going to save you a lot of time in life you can spend on good things because you already know what a life like his is like.
#2. If you are checking out your high school friends on Facebook and seeing all the fabulousness….stop doing it. People love presenting themselves on FB as “perfect family” etc….it’s not how it is.
#3. The fact that you are in school close to graduating tells me that you are pretty fabulous yourself. You are actually accomplishing something with your life even though your dad is a total jackass.
#4. You’ve internalized some of the things your jackass dad (lets just call him JA, shall we?) has said to you. This is not your fault, you were just a kid. Deep down inside though you believe some the things JA said to you in the past. You probably grew up paranoid as hell, I would be if I thought I could be murdered at any moment. Your nerves are probably shot to hell and you’ve been in “stress overload” for years. Bless your heart.
#5. Do NOT confide in your pals. 21 year old guys are not usually known for their deep sensitivity and understanding natures. DO talk to your brother….he’s gone through the same thing you have and he’s probably feeling pretty depressed and alone also.
#6. Do NOT kill yourself. What a waste of a young smart guy that would be. You need to live and be successful just to show JA he didn’t “get to you” like he tried so hard to do. If nothing else, like you said, think of your mom. Not only does she probably hate herself for marrying JA, but he probably abuses her too, and she’s lost close people in her life….and losing a child would push her right over the edge. Don’t do that to her, please.
#7. You have the wrong idea about therapy. Most therapists I’ve known are actually pretty cool people….and they’ve seen and heard it all. They are trained in helping people find coping skills, because life ain’t easy, as you well know. If you get someone writing in a note pad and making you recite your life story, get another therapist. In your first session, just go ahead and tell them “I’m here because my Dad is a jackass.” Then you’ll bust out crying and never want to go back….but go back.
#8. You have the wrong idea about anti-depressants. They really can help. They don’t get you “high”….but it does take the edge off of a suicidal depression. You can be on an anti-depressant and still consider yourself “straight-edged”. Wouldn’t it be pretty good to get this heavy depression monkey off your back? Yes, it would.
I hope I have helped you some. From the things that you have said, I think you have done a fine job of growing up considering all the b.s. you had to deal with. Reach out to your mom and especially your brother. Get that therapy. Keep progressing.