I bought a house recently. I have a good job, and I figure I can afford it. This is my first time living by myself, and it’s really depressing and scary. I come home to an empty house, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. I seriously don’t do anything. I deal with some pretty major depression and anxiety, and being out in public by myself is really hard for me, and I avoid anyone I don’t already know. It’s been years since I’ve made a close friend. I haven’t had any contact with anyone besides coworkers and my parents for about a week, and I can’t talk to them about how I’m feeling right now. I try to keep myself busy with home improvement projects, but I can’t even find the motivation to do the dishes, and all of the half done projects laying around make me feel worthless, like I’m incapable of finishing anything. I feel like I’m not going anywhere, like I’m not doing anything significant with my life. I get very down on myself; in fact I spend most of every day beating myself up over my lack of work ethic, or lack of girlfriend, or any number of other things I want but just don’t want to work for. The negative self-talk really paralyzes me, but I can’t seem to stop. The only reason I’m even at work right now is because I don’t want to miss my payment. Obviously I’m not doing anything productive, since I’m on here. I feel trapped. They would fire me if they really saw what I do with my day. So pretty much, between my apathy and paranoia I’ve cornered myself into this place where I desperately need human interaction, but at the same time I can’t handle being around people. I’m in this downward spiral of feeling terrible all day, then going home to smoke/drink it all away, rinse, repeat. I know this isn’t healthy, and I’m pretty sure it just exacerbates the depression and anxiety, but the pills just don’t do enough by themselves. I give them their chance to work – I’ve quit the drugs/drinking for many months when I’ve started new ones, but I feel like much more of a threat to myself when I’m just on pills. Sometimes I feel like no one would even notice if I was gone, and that somehow I’d feel better if I wasn’t around to feel terrible. My story does seem pretty pathetic compared to the true hardships people are discussing here – am I just that weak of a person that I can’t even enjoy the easy life I’ve been given? Seriously, everything I’ve ever gotten in my life has been handed to me on a fucking silver platter – I’ve never really had to work through any tough times, at least that I can remember right now. I think that someone else in my place would have a much easier time with all of this, that they wouldn’t stress as much as I do, that they could accept being me and actually do something worth doing.
I just had to put this somewhere. Please comment if you have anything to say.
3 comments
A meaningful life doesn’t mean having money or a house or a good job, you have to go a bit deeper into yourself and discover what it really is you want to do here. It’s good that you try to do projects, anyone will go crazy if they’re just sitting around doing nothing. Do you have any other interests? Painting,hiking,biking,writing,exercise,rock climbing, etc. There are tons of activites that you could do, being that you’re well off, that would not only give you something to pass the time with, and boost confidence/motivation, but could also foster new relationships with people.
I know that money/house/work don’t define who I am, but they seem to be all that I can manage. After that, which really isn’t all that much (I only work 35hrs/week), I don’t want to do anything else. I guess I’ve just been stalled out for so long I forgot where I put the keys. And the starter is dead. And there’s a crack in the front gasket.
Have you considered seeing someone for depression.? Some people are very treatable and can have there lives back. I hope that you feel better and will try as you are doing here to begin communicating with people. It is so hard to feel so isolated, I know first hand.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, this is depression talking and regardless of having had a privileged life in many ways, does not make how you feel any less real or unworthy.