I’ve been slinging a lot of advice around here. Who am I?
I’m a person who grew up without much supervision, I have had drug and alcohol issues since I was 10 years old. I have been doing well for the past 10 years with the substance abuse issues. I have had major depression all my life. The first depression I can remember was at age 7. I first tried suicide (with over the counter sleeping pills) at age 12. That sure didn’t’ work. My teenage years were filled with pot, beer, drugs, boyfriends, sex…and depression. I tried suicide again in 9th grade and I came very close to success. My parents fussed me out and never said another word about it. Nobody took me to the hospital. Nobody seemed to care. It was like 4 or 5 days before I could even start remembering stuff. There’s no telling how close I came to dying. Went fairly straight in high school for awhile, went to college and had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t take it. There were people EVERYWHERE and I could never ever be alone. My roommate was constantly there. Ended up quitting, came home, got a good job, and settled into a life of booze, pot and men. Looking for love. Never finding it. Got into an abusive relationship but managed to get out fairly quickly. Got married to someone else and was happy for awhile….but his sister introduced me to pills I’d never taken and…..it’s hard to think about. In fact, I really don’t want to go any further with the drug story, it got bad. Ending up divorcing. A lot of that time is a blur. I am not sure how many times I’ve tried suicide actually. Sometimes I would cut. I took a major Xanax overdose once but it didn’t kill me. I slept like crazy though. There’s been a bunch of times I had a plan but I kept hanging in there. I’ve managed within the past 10 years to pretty much clean up with drugs and booze. I exercise and eat well when I’m not having a bout of depression. I’ve had a lot of therapy and anti-depression meds. Sometimes I think I’m doing great, then get depressed again for 6 freaking months. Cutting continues to be a problem at times. Anyway, I’ve been having a bad bout this past 3 months….I’ve wondered if I am going to have to go to the hospital this time. I’ve got a bad cut on my arm, the worst I’ve ever done, it’s really deep, but it’s healing.
But it’s like….why? Why didn’t people care when I was young? Why can I not seem to continue my education, every time I try it again something happens. Why do I have to go through all this crap? And most importantly, how am I still alive???
Believe it or not, it has been great for me to come on here and read your stories and give advice. It’s funny, I want everyone on here to live and be happy, and couldn’t care less about myself right now. I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I sure don’t feel like my story is helping anyone here, but it’s my story.
5 comments
Hi i am a 12 year old with depression, people dont care about what kind of depression you have when you sre young becuase they dont understand or they think we are just lairs…but i showed my mom how many times i cut myself….. I truly do hoope you find your true love……Have you tried EHarmony?Zoosk?……. If you want to be alone just go into a closet, that is wear i find peace most of the time…..Just bring the computer,labtop,ipad or whatever to play games just have some peace………
I just wanna say thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it – not in any sadistic sense but it helps to put a face on the person sharing their advice, especially when its someone who’s been places beyond high school. Children seem to be overshadowed by adult problems, from what I’ve experienced. It’s like parents think their children will always be okay; that we’re all born mentally stable and grounded. But we don’t know how to do the right things unless we’re taught.
@SomedaySyd – thanks! I wish you weren’t cutting yourself. But if you are going to do it, please make sure what you are using is clean and that you clean your wound.
@Stabby – thanks so much, I just feel like an idiot, it’s a story of craziness. We always figure once we reach a certain age that the “adulthood chip” will kick in, but I’m just as lost as any teen on here. I guess it’s just the nature of the illness.
I will answer your title’s question of who you are.
You are you. That is who you are. The rest is all just a description you give yourself, trying to make it so people can associate with you.
@emotionlessandlost – that’s a good thing, right?