So who am I anyway?

I’ve been slinging a lot of advice around here.  Who am I?

I’m a person who grew up without much supervision, I have had drug and alcohol issues since I was 10 years old.  I have been doing well for the past 10 years with the substance abuse issues.  I have had major depression all my life.  The first depression I can remember was at age 7.  I first tried suicide (with over the counter sleeping pills) at age 12. That sure didn’t’ work.  My teenage years were filled with pot, beer, drugs, boyfriends, sex…and depression.  I tried suicide again in 9th grade and I came very close to success.  My parents fussed me out and never said another word about it.  Nobody took me to the hospital.  Nobody seemed to care.  It was like 4 or 5 days before I could even start remembering stuff.  There’s no telling how close I came to dying. Went fairly straight in high school for awhile, went to college and had a nervous breakdown.  I couldn’t take it.  There were people EVERYWHERE and I could never ever be alone.  My roommate was constantly there.  Ended up quitting, came home, got a good job, and settled into a life of booze, pot and men.  Looking for love.  Never finding it.  Got into an abusive relationship but managed to get out fairly quickly.  Got married to someone else and was happy for awhile….but his sister introduced me to pills I’d never taken and…..it’s hard to think about.  In fact, I really don’t want to go any further with the drug story, it got bad. Ending up divorcing. A lot of that time is a blur.  I am not sure how many times I’ve tried suicide actually.  Sometimes I would cut.  I took a major Xanax overdose once but it didn’t kill me.  I slept like crazy though. There’s been a bunch of times I had a plan but I kept hanging in there.  I’ve managed within the past 10 years to pretty much clean up with drugs and booze. I exercise and eat well when I’m not having a bout of depression.  I’ve had a lot of therapy and anti-depression meds.  Sometimes I think I’m doing great, then get depressed again for 6 freaking months.  Cutting continues to be a problem at times.  Anyway, I’ve been having a bad bout this past 3 months….I’ve wondered if I am going to have to go to the hospital this time. I’ve got a bad cut on my arm, the worst I’ve ever done, it’s really deep, but it’s healing.

But it’s like….why?  Why didn’t people care when I was young?  Why can I not seem to continue my education, every time I try it again something happens.  Why do I have to go through all this crap?  And most importantly, how am I still alive???

Believe it or not, it has been great for me to come on here and read  your stories and give advice.  It’s funny, I want everyone on here to live and be happy, and couldn’t care less about myself right now.  I don’t know what is going to happen to me.  I sure don’t feel like my story is helping anyone here, but it’s my story.