LIVE = EVIL

I don’t know where to start, but here I am. I turned 19 recently, nothing really big happened. I am a well behaved girl, I always obey my mothers direction to everything, even my path and such. I know that, my life isn’t any worst compare to others, but its just not right for me. I do wish that I am not greedy for life, but honestly i never get the appreciation i wanted. Whenever I was asked to do something, i never get any self value back, it seems like I am a slave or something to her. Did i say “asked”? sorry i meant, told. The funny thing is this morning, I had an argue with my long distance boyfriend, i really love him.. i marked him as my last. I believe there are no other male can compare to him, he is just the love of my life. Sadly, i ended up saying harsh words towards him, due to the past that I have. I don’t really know how to get his mind off my past, i don’t live there anymore. After the whole arguing, i haven’t sleep at all. You know how when it gets dark, the loneliness seeps in? Yea that’s how i felt, i give up on many things for him, but all i receives are these attitudes. i feel like i have nothing. its the end. I told him without him ,, i have nothing to live for which is true, I am a person with no strong desires. After that, i realize my body feels lighter .. it seems like i just give up on everything, even my life. I am just lying in bed looking up at the ceiling, at the moment my mom came in to clean out my room. This does not often happen, but i actually suggested that helping her to do chores. Which is weird, but i still receive no appreciation form her. instead scowled me. I feel even sadder, the moment i give up on myself, i wanted to do something good for her once, but this is what i get. Her high expectations and pushing are so demanding. I live my life but i couldn’t control it, isn’t it sad, i don’t have the courage to do anything. I went through abuse by my ex , and my mom. I am afraid of them, afraid to trust, to commit, but above all else, I am afraid of myself. I feel so disgusted by myself, I don’t want to deal with it.I can not smile no more. its just doesn’t seems right, i feel so fake… so shallow inside of me. i shouldn’t be living on this planet either. I feel like an extra.. a nobody.

I made up my mind, I am ready to die anytime, to endure suffering. I don’t see any point now. not for my future at least. i know its selfish, but its my life, who cares.

Most people would say that happiness are what makes people stay healthy minded. After reaching to the point of happiness, whats after?? to maintain? and then? whats going beyond that? No matter how we do , good or bad we are going to face death one day. why can’t i pick my own road to die or not? It is my life, my choice, isn’t it? The people surround me, i believe they do not care at all, yea maybe my parents and older brother would weep a little, who else? no one, people die everyday, and since the population is getting overboard too, i don’t see a point why we have to chose to live but not to die.