In all honesty I don’t know why I joined this site, I just sat down and typed “such a disappointment” into my browser and some how I got here. And now that I am here I think I have something worth saying. What that is I don’t know yet, but I guess I’m working on it.
I’ve never actually attempted suicide, but I have considered it. I’m sorry if that offends people who have attempted suicide and use this site as a way to voice themselves and their experiences. But just because I haven’t put myself on deaths door step doesn’t mean I havent felt lost enough to be dead.
I’m seventeen now. And I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was eleven. And that anxiety and depression is rooted in the happenings against the eight year old me. I am a child of a broken home, my father was never home and my two oldest brothers were always neck in neck for jail time. I guess now I’m realizing just how much my childhood has truly hurt me. I was hurt, when I was eight, by my eldest brother. And seven years later I still hate the sight of blue carpet.
Seven years later, it’s still being shoved into my face how much of a disaster I am. I don’t belong here, in this house, in this so called family. And sometimes I don’t think I belong in this life.
I know this isn’t as bad as so many others lives but I do feel pain everyday because I know just how much I’m not wanted. My mother doesn’t want me, my father never wanted me, my brothers only aim to damage me more than I already am, and “friends” I don’t think I have them.
I’m a broken piece of whatever the hell people want to call me, and I don’t know how to change any more than I have attempted and have.
I put so much effort in being good enough, yet I’m never good enough. I always crash and burn. Because of what I’ll never know. But I do know that I’m not what others want. I don’t even know if I’m who I want to be.
I’m a jumbled mess of what ifs, and if I could have done things differently.
So in all honesty, what if she never married my father? I might not be alive, I might not be so god damned damaged, I might be happy. And what if she dis things completely differently? I don’t know, maybe all of he same out comes as before, maybe some horrible accident could have occured and nothing that I know would be reality.
But things aren’t different. Things are this way, garbage. The disappointment of me.
The life and times of I don’t do anything right, and I do everything just to irritate my mothers boyfriend. The world where I think about running all the time, I think abou leaving behind everything and never coming back. I think about dying.
But I never do it, I don’t know why. I just don’t, in hopes of things somehow getting better.
Oh god I have so many hopes. Like if;
Some man came to the door and said I’m his daughter, that he thought I had been lost to the entire world, but he finally found me. And wants to make sure I have everything I could ever need.
I hope that I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who won’t call me a failure, who will love me for who ever the hell I choose to be.
I hope to some how strike it rich and buy everything I need; a car, a house for just my mom so she doesn’t have to feel like she has nothing, college for four years.
I want so much in life, but sometimes I get the feeling that I’m never going to get any of it. Because I’m not good enough. Because I’m good for nothing. Because I’m a lost cause.
I’m tired of being a disappointment, I’m tired of being blamed for things that I don’t do, or for being yelled at for doing something I thought was harmless.
Maybe if I just did nothing, it’d be better. If I just sat here everyday, went to school and finished my senior year, did all my homework and kePt my room clean, did the dishes, and everything I’m told. Maybe if I didn’t do anything I found happiness in then I’d be good enough.
Maybe..
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3 comments
You said you want so much in life, if that’s true then you’ll certainly be able to make it. The old platitude is correct, “where there’s a will there’s a way”. Don’t let people convince you that you’ve failed, you’re the one who decides that. I’m sorry that you’ve been forced into a family that doesn’t appreciate and belittles you, but you’ve only got one more year until you can get out on your own and find people who won’t merely put you down.
If the past is still haunting you, then you should definitely talk about it. To a counselor, or therapist, or us here on SP; we’ll listen and support you as best we can. <3
Sweetie, try to work on you mind now that you are young and don’t get trapped in it. I’ll tell you that when I was about your age, I used to feel the same way. I went out and fought against all odds and achieved many things I dreamed of, yet it was never enough cause the feeling of not being good enough just NEVER went away.
No matter how beautiful people tell me I am and even though I was a model; I still feel ugly. I fix something just to find something else that is wrong with the way I look. When people tell me I love them, I don’t believe them, etc.
I tried to improve my outside so I could feel better but I never worked in cleaning my mind and getting rid of all those feelings and thoughts of unworthiness and now I am their salve. Try to read books of self improvement, change your mind and the world will smile at you. Don’t let negativity gain strenght and consume you. Good luck!
Oh my, just because you haven’t attempted suicide doesn’t mean you don’t belong here.
You are hurting, and your hurts are just as valid as anyone else’s hurts around here.
Don’t wait around for a magical dad to show up, or to strike it rich. Work and work hard. Get that education and make something of yourself. If mom and dad and brothers aren’t proud of you, who gives a damn….be proud of yourself! You matter. I’m proud of you and I’m just some asshole on the internet.
Seriously though, you don’t say whether college is in your future….try to go if there’s any way you can. If you absolutely can’t, find a decent job, save some money, hopefully find a roommate or two and get out on your own. It sounds like you are surrounded with negativity….get out of there as soon as you can.
Good luck to you.