Hello everyone
Well this is my first piece of text on this very informative website. I am 21 this year (march). When I was 16 I somehow (still to this day I don’t know how) got my first girlfriend and being young and naive , I didn’t care what kind of girl she was (quite promiscuous). Turns out she only spoke to me because a lot of the girls in my high school thought I was very handsome, which is awesome, but you need speech to be able to put that to any use. Anyways, she cheated on me a lot and I didn’t want to let her go in fear of not finding another person to be with (Nearly did) but I manned up and broke up with her. To this day I can’t help but think “did she cheat to make me break up with her?” I don’t want to ask, she can be a very mean person and can make anybody feel an inch tall. About a month ago I met this girl and i really liked her but not being able to keep someone interested in who you are as a person can lose any sort of attraction that was initially there. This hit me hard because not being able to speak to people and hold intelligible conversations has had a very negative impact on my transitioning into adulthood. I can’t land a job, I have few friends who I seldom manage to keep the conversation rolling with. I dunno, I might be over reacting about that situation. BUT Simultaneously my family life has been going south as well. My mother, who is currently supporting me through college is putting an imense amount of pressure on me to find employment, its hard because I can’t approach people and when I do I stutter and its soooo easy to see how nervous I am. On the topic of suicide, it has been an everyday thought for about 4 years now. Initially I planned to ram my car into an on-coming train. I couldn’t do it. I then planned on laundry detergents and general house cleaning fluids (bleach and what not) but thought the risk of brain damage was waaay too high. I thought about overdose on sleeping pills and same conclusion as before. I would have used a handgun but I can’t afford one (first world problems) But now I have found out about the “exit bag”. My saving grace. I knew since suicide entered my life it would be a major influence in how I chose to live. I know one day it will happen and the only thing keeping me from using an exit bag, is curiosity, I can’t stand to think about what I will miss. How the world is going to change. It irritates me so much, because on one hand its a short step over the edge but on the other hand, there is a beer and a smoke waiting for me with a tv screen that says life. I wish I could just sit back and watch it all unfold without being here, be a ghost and fascinate myself with how everything works out. I give myself about 4 months and I will make an informed decision to use an exit bag or not. I will think of it as a christmas present to myself
6 comments
You say you’re handsome, well you seem very smart on top of that and you’re still very young to top it all off. It would be a shame if you didn’t stay to change things. I have a friend who told me about this big process he underwent. He used to be shy and nervous to talk to others until he said to himself that he needed to change in order to make friends. And he did! He really did. He’s a complete different person. He laughs he makes jokes… It’s hard to believe that someone as smart as you can not hold an intelligible conversation, but if we think about the barriers we build for ourselves it’s pretty plausible.
Anyway, see a therapist or a psychiatrist. That can also help with social anxiety and other disorders that might be getting in the way on you having the life you could have.
Yeah, its difficult sometimes for people to find a right partner, talking to the opposite sex can be intimidating, what to say, what are they interested in, the whole thing is just messed up for some of us.
I am older and have been through so many different one nighters, 3 mothers, 1 or 2 years, married twice etc.
I am so passed having any kind of relationship other than an ocassional call girl.
I remember what lonliness feels like and many humans deal with it everyday.
Me too bro, me too. Curiosity is also whats keeping me alive. I wonder how long it will last…
Watching tv drinking a beer isn’t life my friend. Not even the sky is the limit as to what you can do in the 80ish years of your life.
Hey I can completely sympathize with your plight. I have been on the suicidal journey for approximately 10 years in after 25 years of life I’m still confuse the weather to end it or not., it seems that all my good conversation ideas come up about 20 to 30 minutes after the conversation ended. I have seen psychiatrist and psychologist but truthfully the only thing that help with my hypnosis sessions lip hey hypnosis address I can send you som address I can send you some self help techniques recordinds that he also gave to me that I think has worked wonders so far and eliminating fears of scr and eliminating fears of scrutiny.
you say you want to die because you arent interesting (in a nutshell i know this isnt literally why) try answering every question you have. try having a “i want to know everything before i die” attitude. probably will get very old trying to know EVERYTHING. and along the way im sure it will make you one hell of an interesting person.