The first time I contemplated suicide I was around 7 or 8, nothing serious, just a “I wish I could die” thought that came and went. It has kept coming, with more freqency and ferver, for the last 23 years. I place no blame for my descision on any person or entity. The world is what it is, and I made every choice along the way to this post on my own. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at 15, I have done more thereapy than any man should. I have enough knowledge of medications to feel like I could prescribe them. I have searched for god, I have trusted in myself. The reason I have finally taken action is because I now feel it is the right thing to do. As I said, I blame no one. But a little background is nescessary. My father is a fully disabled vietnam vet who suffers from severe depression, PTSD, rage and anxiety disorder, and alcoholism. I have watched him suffer through the darkness of a life that only someone reading this site out of a need for understanding, and not curiosity, could comprehend. I believe that depression is a terminal cancer of the soul. I believe that my father was doing what he thought was best by raising me the way he did. I believe that the right thing to do is always the hard thing to do. And I now believe that by exposing my children to my disorder will doom them to repeat the lives of self loathing, self destruction and despair that I would have undoubtedly exposed them to and they would have emulated….. The only way you dont grow up to be just like your parents is if they die before you remember them. I will not poison my children with the daily reminder of a miserable and hollow father, and I cannot live without them. It will look like an accident and the insurance will pay, I can support them without damaging them……. The right thing is always the hard thing….
Thanks for listening as I cant leave a note for an accident, you are my solace….. I had never kept a secret and had to tell someone.