My whole life I have struggled to be “happy”. I have a “type A personality” and even though I am aware of it I can’t seem to change my outlook on things. I have friends and family that love me, but I can’t bring them down with my problems all the time. I wish I could see a therapist or something, and just talk to someone who wouldn’t be burdened by my sadness. I’m scared that I will never be happy no matter what I do. Happiness has always been such a fleeting thing in my life. I hate feeling this way. Why does this extreme sadness envelop me? I see other people and wonder how it is so easy for them to be happy?? Is it just harder for some people to be happy? I wish all the time that my life could just be over. I don’t think I could actually commit suicide, but I think about it every day. Its like the opposite of having hope. I wish there was help out there for people like me, who just don’t want to live anymore.
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Of course it is just harder for some of us. My memory is getting so bad lately so I can’t remember the name, but I read about this theory a while ago that as humans, we all process things so differently based on the millions of different variables we have experienced since the day we were born. It basically said even with the most basic things in life, you can’t assume that the person standing next to you sees it or experiences it in even remotely the same way that you do.
So with that said, yes I think some are just able to stay happy or content much easier, even if things aren’t great, and others have a tendency to struggle with melancholy and sadness.
In regards to some other things you mentioned. True friends and true family will want to listen to you. Yes, I know what you mean, even the greatest friends in the world will get annoyed if we call them ten times a week to vent our problems. But I think we have a tendency to assume that we have bothered people with our issues much more often than we really have. I highly doubt you bug everyone around you 24/7. I bet there is someone in your life who might not even really know that you are feeling this badly. So don’t be afraid to talk to people. That’s what they are there for.
But, if you still really don’t want to go to family or friends, you said “I wish i could talk to a therapist” but you didn’t really go into detail about why you can’t. Like most people, you probably don’t really have a concrete reason, it’s just something we avoid. Unless you are chained up in a dungeon somewhere, of course you could find a therapist if you really wanted to. So either you say you want to, but you don’t really mean it, or you’re just avoiding it If you really think it would benefit you to go talk to someone, do it. It won’t bother them one bit, that’s the career they chose and it’s how they make a living. If you need to talk to a counselor or a therapist, find one.