Let me begin by telling a little about me. I grew up experiencing every type of abuse there is and had many traumatic  experiences. I never got over any of this and just pushed it to the side like it didn’t exist, tried to live a normal life. Then in my adult life I’ve had problems with the law, drugs, and married for all of the wrong reasons. Life went on and I had a son, he became everything to me, he was my whole life. That’s where things fell apart…..
Around 4 years ago my son died and every problem I’ve ever had came back to haunt me with a vengeance. Don’t get me wrong the problems didn’t all come from losing my son, but some how I managed to scrape by until that happened. The drugs prolly had a little to do with it, you know, self-medicating. I now suffer from ptsd, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, major depression, etc… It took a while to find meds to stabilize me for the most part, suicide has never left my thoughts though.
Then, I go to the doc’s today and they tell me my kidneys have all but shutdown. Now I don’t know what to do. It’s either the meds and partial stability (I’m completely non-functional without them) or die from kidney failure. I know they can try other meds, but it might be awhile before I’m functional again, and without my meds I KNOW I will kill myself.
I’m just ready to give up, I’ve had enough pain in my life, and I really don’t want to try new meds.
4 comments
You’re son is watching over you and he wouldn’t want to see his father go down this way. First off I hope you let go of all the drug and alcohol abuse. You may feel like you’ve failed in life but you have time to show you’re son what you’re really capable off. Do whatever it takes to keep on living this beautiful life. My dad has kidney issues and I’m so close to losing him and it makes me so sad and emotional. Do what It takes because not everyone in this world has had luck with kidney issues.
It might not be completely related, but my father had liver and kidney failure. He was lucky enough to get a liver transplant but unlucky for getting an infection after his surgery. He nearly died last year. No one thought he would pull through. But he did and he began to take steps on taking care of himself for himself and his children.Losing your son is a horrible loss, but not letting go of the things that are hurting you will be extremely painful. I am diagnosed with chronic PTSD, so I can understand the need for drugs to numb the mind. There are natural alternatives though. Breathing excerises, focusing on things infront of you to keep you in the present time and to keep your mind away from the memories. I breath in a paper bag, to help me calm down, it doesn’t always help, but sometimes it does. Having a good friend on the phone or better yet right next to you to help you stay in the present time, works great too. Panic Attacks wont kill you, they say… I have never witnessed my panic attacks at “full effect”. Amazingly someone has always happened to be there. But I am sure that these attacks can’t kill us. They just feel as though our bodies are shutting down.Hang in there, hun. I hope I helped.Nymeria
I too was abused when I was young by my father.
I feel you.
I see him in my mind every moment of my life. I saw my life flash before my eyes when I tried to commit suicide four years ago, all I saw was him. Then in one drop of blood I saw all that was good in my life.
I don’t regret anything I’ve done or anything I want to do. I don’t feel ashamed for feeling depressed or glad. Or wanting revenge.
Neither should you.
Please don’t give up.
God bless you and your son.
Thanks for trying to help, but I’m pretty much past that point. My mind has been made up I just have to put some affairs in order before it comes time. Plus, believe me, I’m not having luck with my kidney problems. The doc essentially told me unless I come off all of the meds and start seeing a kidney specialist I’ll be dead within 3-6 months. Even with my meds I’m not really functional. I don’t go outside, I don’t talk to anyone, I have panic attacks on a regular basis, and all I can really think about doing is just ending it all. I’m haunted on a continual basis by the abuse I’ve recieved and the death of my son. I can never close my eyes without seeing my son lying there in the casket. With the way things are, and they’re not improving, there really is no point on prolonging this life.