I suck at living on this planet. I’m lazy, I make bad choices, I’m ungrateful, I have no self control. I am currently enrolled at a good university and I am pretty sure I am just going to fail everything this semester. I hate the track my life is on, and I just can’t do this anymore, which just adds to my patheticness because I know for a fact that I have it better than 99 percent of the world population. That’s why I hate myself. I have opportunities, friends, and stuff that I take for granite even though most of it I didn’t even work for. I’m just an asshole. I am so selfish and unsatisfied and so so angry. So angry but I don’t know why. I have so much hate for myself and I know that it will never change.
Some people don’t have parents. Some people are going to die in a few months from cancer. Some people have been bullied, tormented, raped. And most of them don’t deserve it. I’ve never even broken a fucking bone.
My brain doesn’t work right or something. I must have a disease. I have no will to do whats good for me. I’m self destructive. After this semester I’m probably going to flunk out of my major that I absolutely hate, and all my friends and relatives will finally see who I am on the inside, a lazy worthless moocher waste of a body. A disgusting excuse for a person, someone who deserves to die. I don’t have any control of my life and I’m 20. I spend all my money on drugs. I can’t stop. The only time I’m at ease is when I’m fucked up. Fuck food. Fuck sleep. Fuck health.
My girlfriend loves me. She deserves so much more than I give her. She cares about me and only wants to help but I shove it back in her face because I guess I’m nothing but a fucking shell inside.
Sometimes I just think about how easy dying would be. To think that at any moment I could just end it and never have a bad thought again. About anything. No grades, or depression, or fear, or all the other shit that I bring onto myself. I just don’t belong here. If life is a gift, it was wasted on me.
10 comments
If you “deserve” to die for being lazy, making bad choices, ungratefullness and impulsiveness, then so to does almost every other human on this planet. I’ve heard this many times before, and i’ll ask you the same thing i’ve asked others. If you hate yourself for having good things and not appreciating them, why would you throw them away? That would only be a further admition of unappreciation. Why not work to make the best of them? Everyone has the qualities you’ve listed about themselves. You don’t “deserve” to die. It sounds like speaking to a professional may help.
i know how you feel, you just need to do something positive, if your not enjoying uni, drop out, do something less stressful , something fun, spend time with your girlfriend, and family. try to stop taking drugs, just try to be more positive.
One day you’ll be happy babe, trust me. Keep your head up! Take advantage of what you got and when you come out of this remember you aren’t alone. I feel like you. My attempts keep failing and I ask myself why? I’ve exceeded the limit of pills I’ve cut myself as deep as I can and it just doesn’t make that much apparent damage. I might not know you but I got your back man x
i know how you feel too, but all that stuff you said about being lazy,selfish, etc, is what youve been told by others in your life who dont understand the pain youre in,who dont understand how hard you work to be perfect, to do things right. and they’ve said it so much for so long that it is now who you feel you are. but you are not. you are worthy, you do do things right. i know its impossible sometimes to see that, but sometimes you can catch a glimpse of your real self-and thats what you need to grab onto and rediscover, the real you.
scar is right; it might help to talk to a therapist -they can help you grab onto and hold onto the real you when you glimpse it. they can help you believe in this real self that has been lost and buried for so long, and help make your real self what you see all the time. it take time tho, its not instant. but youre not worthless, youre worth every bit as much as every other person on this planet, so think about giving finding your real self a shot.
There is some good wisdom in what the others have written. My son took his life in April. He would have been 20 this month. From the family’s perspective, let me say that my son and I were close and we talked but I think he realized, like you, that he had every reason to be happy but wasn’t and this made him feel worse. We didn’t understand his despair. Every minute of every day, I grieve for my beautiful son. He was truly a winner and depression took him down hard and fast. I promise you that the people who love you want you here, even if you are a screwed up mess for a while. With some help, you will get your bearings and you will overcome this. Will you stay in college? Will you get this degree or that degree? Who knows. And, frankly, who cares. Your self worth is not tied up in that. My son was a genius–every parent thinks that, but in his case it was true. But I would give everything in my life just to have him sitting in my living room strumming his guitar. He could have sat his butt there for the next 30 years and done not a damn thing–well, I would have made him cook. But if I were given the choice–dead son or son who needs to leave school and get his act together, I think you can see what a no-brainer that is. Please get some help. Please talk to a trusted adult. If it’s your mom, go to her, because there is no one like a mom to have your back when the shit hits the fan. Please do this for me and for my son. Please grab onto any lifeline out there. There are so many cool and wonderful things you still need to do and see and be…and that you deserve. Hang in there, kiddo. If I can help, I will. Just let me know and I will give you my contact information. P.S. Let me add that the pain you feel now will be the pain that your entire family carries around endlessly if you kill yourself. Seriously, I know my son felt despair and it kills me inside. But guess what? He left us, and I now feel that despair, as does his dad, his brother, his grandparents, and his aunt and cousins. This is not a guilt trip…just the truth.
I really really appreciate every single comment thats been posted thank you so so much
Thank you very much for your post. When I logged onto this website I didn’t expect that a total stranger would talk to me on such a personal level within hours of posting. I am terribly sorry for your loss, even from only reading your words I can feel how much you loved him.
I just want to tell you personally that your story really impacted my outlook on everything, as tragic as it is. I just wanted you to know that.
Thank you. Is there anything I can do to help you? Please let me know. I am sincere in my offer, even if it’s just to talk or for me to reach out to a parent and explain how dangerous things can get. I do care, and I want the best for you.
this is my life im not even joking…….
if you could make changes in your life, what would they be? not just everything. something specific. like your major.
i know i would want to change how people try to manipulate me. i put too much worth in my families opinion. maybe if i didn’t do that i wouldn’t want to die.