Hi
Im 21 I’ve never used a site like this before but things have happened in my life that I have had no support for
I’ll start with the story of when my mum and dad broke up (and I know what your thinking it happens to everyone) but this is when my spiral into depression started. I remember the day it all really kicked off, just a few hours after they broke it to us. I’ll explain that I have an older brother and sister that have a different dad, I share mine with my younger brother. Anyway back to that night, I just remember hearing a huge bang and we all went to the front door and saw my mum smashing up my dads car with a crow bar, he instantly rang the police, Ican remember  screaming at him hysterically begging him not to press charges on my mum. My mum was violently abused by my dad all through their 16 year marriage so when she found out he’d put her through that hell and then cheated on her she finally snapped. Out of the divorce came alot of secrets about my dad.
About a month later my uncle killed himself, it then was made clear to me that he had done it because my dad had never been punished for raping his own sister and my uncle couldn’t see that he would ever get justice so he gave up. Two weeks after my mum went to my dads flat to confront him about this as I was now 14, 2 years younger than his sister was at the time. While she was there he admitted to what he did and then proceeded to threat that he would do the same to me when I reached 16. While this was all happening I was off sick from school and home by myself. I got a phone call from my mum telling me sge was in the back of a police car because she had hit my dad with a hammer, luckily she only got given community service as it was self defence. I’ve since had no contact with my dad.
A year ago from now my little brother ran away and I haven’t seen him since, this hurts the most as he was the only other person that knew how it felt when my dad left. He abandoned me too. I miss him soo much but he wants me to stay out of his life.
Also a year ago about 2 weks after my brother left I went on holiday with my best friend, halfway into my holiday I was raped by someone that worked out there. On our way back from the holiday my friend begged me not to tell anyone as she didn’t want her parents to stop her from going away again. I kept it in for two weeks but it was too much, I broke down infront of my mum and older brother and told them what happened. My older brother is obviously very protective of me after the drama with my dad so was angry that he couldn’t stop it. He then took it out on my friend because she had a chance to atleast try and stop it. She then turned on me and told me I had brought it on myself and that I was to blame for what happened to me. She turned all of our mutual friends against me, I still to this day don’t know what she told them. I sometimes feel like its ironic that my dad threatened it and then 6 years later it happens, almost as if I was never going to escape my fate. I feel so alone now that she has turned all my friends against me, my family won’t talk to me about it, they can’t even bring themselves to mention it. The only friends I have now are my flat mate and a friend at work. I just have nowhere I can talk about it. I tried counselling but it didn’t work, I feel like I just need someone to tell me how to fix my life.
6 comments
Wow, your story really saddens me. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all those awful experiences. Aside from the remnants of the past the present is okay though right? I don’t think you said that anything bad was happening right now, so i think the best thing to do would be to find someone who you feel comfortable speaking about this with. Why didn’t the counseling work? If it was just the counselor you didn’t like maybe you should try again with someone else. At least you can try talking to people on here, maybe it will help.
You have been through a lot. The key is to learn to come to terms with all of the unpleasant things that you have experienced. You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about and opening up to a councillor might be a good idea because they are usually very supportive and understanding. It’s important to realise that non of the things that have happened are your fault and that you are the victim.
It’s hard to feel like I’m
The victim though, all I ever think is that if my best friend could of though it was my fault and she was there then maybe there are things I could of done to prevent it.
sometimes i just don’t know what’s wrong with people. you deserve and have a right to expect support and defense. we live in a sick world. it seems like life is a series of gambles where we are ruled by the odds. there are the odds that something horrible will happen to us or even a series of horrible things will happen to us. Then in a separate game, there are the odds that we’ll have a support system in place to help us through it. If we lose both games, it feels like we are stuck alone.
what happened to you was sick and horrific. I marvel at your strength in so many of the ways you’ve handled yourself so far. i wish I had done things differently with my own experiences. but we’re both still here. I’m learning that I need to keep making connections with people. I need to stop mourning the cut connections of the past, however close they were, and just keep throwing lifelines out there and seeing what sticks. i have to believe that some of them will.
seems like most of us here would call ourselves ‘damaged goods’ but that makes us all equal. equally vulnerable, equally hurt, equally desperate, equally lost, equally searching. we may not have any answers, but like it or not, admit it or not, we do have each other. we are kindred in our despair. for some of us, that pain feels like the closest thing to love we have. if that is true, then it connects us because we all feel that pain.
Your story seems to end about a year ago, yeah? Is there something that is causing these feelings to flare up especially bad here recently?
The reason there flaring up now is because I’m currently seeing a guy that happens to be the first guy I’ve let near me since it all happened and my issues with trust are coming up alot and I really don’t want to screw things up with him because being with him has cheered me up alot. It’s just coming to that stage were things are moving forward in our relationship and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to give him what he wants. It’s all just caused me to have flashbacks and nightmares again.
My cousin…she’s just a kid, she’s only ten years old and my grandfather made her pass for that situation, the rape. I know a little about how it makes you feel, and is even worse in your situation with that fake friend. I think you’re really strong. I mean, all this and you’re here to share your pain. I’ll be honest, some things, I mean your past, can be erased, but you have the whole future. Give the life a chance. Start it over. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a lot of friends, you will because you seem like such a great person and people won’t be able of not loving you. Why won’t you try with some hobbie for meeting people? Art, sports… you’ll find someone that understand you and make you feel better. Some day, you’ll find that person and you be able to talk, to be loved, to feel happy.