i’m so embarrassed of my behavior and some of the comments i’m going to make but i cant stop them. this is how i feel and i cant change it.
i need help learning how to handle situations i cant control. and i need help staying calm. i’m only 19 and i’ve always been depressed. when i was only 15 i was put onto an anti depressant and another medicine to help prevent panic attacks.
i’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, we broke up for about a year in between though. it was so hard. i honestly believe that nobody else in this world can make me feel that in love. trust me i’ve looked for it. so please dont tell me theres other fish in the sea. he’s the only fish for me. we’ve been living together for 6 months now and things were really hard at first but they got better over the summer, when we had time to spend with each other and we were the only people we knew in the town we live in. but now that school is back all of his friends are back, and he always gets drunk. i was a big party girl once in my life but i’ve grown up so much from being in a committed relationship. but  he still drinks way too much and its ruining my trust for him and our relationship. also his best friend since elementary lives in this town too and he is such a bad influence. i want to be able to give my bf freedom and trust but when the opportunity presents itself i freak out. ill break holes in the wall with my head, i’ve tried killing myself with pills before, i pull my hair out, i just cant handle it. i’ve never been so clingy with anybody either, i dont understand why i feel this way. anyways it has gotten so bad lately and i’ve had to deal with a young death in my family in the last week and i am overloaded. all i need is for him to be there for me and hes been nothing but distant and always away from me. he says i’m starting to smoother him but idk how to fix this. i need him in my life. i couldnt do it on my own. its so bad right now i feel empty. i cant eat, i just cry and sleep. i’ve told him what i need and for some reason what he does (which isnt much sometimes) i never feel satisfied with. i feel selfish and controlling and i wish i didnt. he’s threatening to break up, and idk how to even begin fixing it this time.  i feel so weak. and him watching me do this isnt attractive. idk how to pick myself up. i want to kill myself so badly to just end this but i care about my parents and him too much to leave them with guilt and questions. please help. also, i smoke a lot of weed to calm myself down, but i wish i didnt have to. help. please. i’ve never felt like anybody has understood these feelings until i read some of the others members posts.
6 comments
i would first like to offer you this… you haven’t done anything wrong. so, please don’t be too hard on yourself for what is happening, which as you stated, is out of your control. from what you have said, it would seem that his presence is a large part of your life, and there is nothing wrong with that either.
the bad part is however, and i am sure you know this, that all relationships have their ups and downs. the ability to make it through them both together is what makes a strong bond even stronger.
i am in no real position to offer advice as such though. i myself am planning my own death because the love of my life is no longer choosing me.
anxiety attacks are vicious… and weed only serves to lessen the symptoms, not lessen the problems. but that is only my opinion. i am so sorry that you are in this painful limbo right now. the abandonment of love is the most wretched of sufferings. i am here to listen if it helps~
I never looked at it that way. I never did anything wrong, but Idk if that makes it better or worse. It sucks so bad that him and I both feel victimized in this situation and I’ve stepped up to apologize and say nice things. It was this way before. It was us against the world and that’s how its always been. Idk how to adjust. I feel like in the end love is all there is to live for, so I am also very sorry for what your going through. Its such a hard decision ans I hope you do what will make you really happy. Its just hard to really decide what that is 🙁
And I want you to know it helps to have somebody finally talk to me like a real person with compassion about it. From others I get eye rolls or annoyance. I hate it
i met my wife in april of 2001. for more than a decade she was all that kept me centered. we were married in october of 2008. she decided to leave me, in october of 2011. it’s been a year now, and she is doing everything she can to forget me. she moved out of our home, and into an apartment with her 3rd or 4th boyfriend she’s had in the last year. i have been forced to move now 500 miles away.
she had logical reasons to leave me. i made some mistakes. i broke her trust. however. i have been nothing but devoted to her for more than 10 years. she has been my best and only friend, and like you and your boyfriend, it was always just us.
my situation is obviously very different from yours. however, the feelings are still the same. love is all i know. it’s all i can feel for her. it’s the biggest part of me, now missing. that closeness. that feeling of truly belonging and being understood so completely by someone. my life was complete, when i had her to share it with. now, i am so alone, empty, and hurt.
those who would tell you to “move on”, or that there are lot’s of other people out there… they are the majority of the world. they believe that it’s perfectly normal and fine to love and leave and love and leave. they would tell you that you are being cowardly for being so devoted to a “worthless cause”… but you should be the one to decide what is of worth to you, not anyone else.
my wife is nothing but beautiful to me. she is worth it. anyone i have spoken to about feeling so hurt, or upset, or alone always tell me to “man up and get over it”. and that lack of understanding make me only feel more deeply for her, and strengthen my choice to end myself. a life without her, for me is no life.
i am sorry for your pain
I understand why you had to move so far away. I wish I was a little older and more stable. I’m a student, so I could transfer to a different university to get away but i dont know how that will help in the right now. I cant imagine how hurtful it is to see her with other boyfriends. trust has been our biggest problem also, a long time ago i broke his trust, and i also have been 100% devoted to him ever since and have never tested his trust again, yet the past is still brought up when things get bad. im having a really hard time making this decision: do i want to be the girl who breaks up a mans friendship with his bestfriend? or do i leave him?
i have been trying to talk to him about moving a couple hours away from where we are now. there is a college, its only 15 minutes away from my family who is hurting because of this last death, so i can be there for them, and we could go back to where we lived to visit and have fun on occasion. an old couple once told me that the best thing they ever did for their relationship is when they got married they moved far away from anybody that they knew and they had to depend on each other and it made them so strong. i want to pull him away but i dont know if thats wrong or selfish of me. i dont know what im going to do when i come home and theres nobody there to share my day with, to sleep with, everything. everything about my entire life would have to change. and, to be with him, i uprooted where i was, my job, my friends, family, everything, for him… and this is how im treated. im so effing mad and hurt and idk. thank you for listening to me.
i really took what you said about whats of worth to heart. it made me feel a lot better when i realized that it doesnt matter what other people think or say about this situation, its what matters to ME.
i love that you say your wife is nothing but beautiful to you. i really hope that if this situation gets resolved he can still love me the same way. i’m scared that since this time it got so bad, it’ll never be the same..
i had no desire to move 500 miles away from her. i was forced to for various reasons. but my situation is very complicated (aren’t they all really?) and hard to explain.
one thing i would suggest to you… make the choices that YOU need to make for YOU. if you feel like you would be splitting him away from his friends, he has to be ready and willing to make that choice for himself. otherwise, it will very likely breed resentment later on down the line.
also, as hard as it may be to understand, try to realize that nothing will EVER make it the same as it once was. but that isn’t a bad thing. if that’s what you really wanted, then you’d never be moving forward in your lives. whatever you choose, know that it will be different from what you are used to, and accept those differences for what they are, and most importantly, move forward TOGETHER.
i would sincerely like to hear more, and if you are willing, tell you my story as well. trust issues, while i am no stranger to them, i do have some insights that may be helpful. but i find it difficult on the forum. feel free to email me if you like. the address is the same as my username + gmail.com.
your choice of course. otherwise, i wish you the best… and remember, your heart is not just that which gives you life, but what life is all about as well.