Story Of My Life

I’m not one of those girls who get depressed by a boy dumping them. I’m one of those people who have very low self esteem, hates their mom, and friends who don’t understand/ ignore the problem. I am only 15 and I am having a lot of problems with myself, nobody knows (well now you do) but in my life just two of my  friends one, Rebecca but it seems like she doesn’t really care or just ignores it, and my friend who lives in florida i met him in the internet he actually seems like he cares (i think) hes been really nice to me but now he seems like he doesn’t want to deal with me, and i barely talk about my problems. I honestly don’t know who can i actually talk to and feel better about myself or anything in my life.  I been having this problem since 2010, I started noticing how ugly and chubby i was and i was always thinking “ew you’ll never find a boyfriend you are soo ugly and fat! you’ll scare everybody by the way you look”. Sometimes when I’m walking down the street people would say something rude and that would just push my self esteem even more deep, i remember once i was walking to my building and there was these Dominican guys in a car and one popped out his head and said “Hahaha, look a fat girl” but in spanish, that day i wanted to commit suicide or just disappear; but the thing is I’m not that fat and people still look at me weird, i sometimes assumed it was by my sense of style is “emo/goth” according to people but majority of the time i think they look at me because of how ugly i am. I also feel like i don’t belong here or there or anywhere, i think if i die or disappear no one will notice. most of the times i cry myself to sleep just thinking of that and thinking “why is God so cruel?!” i think i was a mistake from God.God had never helped me, i ask him and talk to him and nothing. No help from no one.

My mother treats me like crap, she yells at me and says “can you clean up or make yourself useful?!” when i do she yells at me and says I’m doing something wrong so i dont bother anymore. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother (hes the oldest) and I’m the youngest, i always thought the youngest got all of the attention but i was dead wrong. My mom treats my brother like a king and makes him do nothing just work and hang around. She ALWAYS yells at me for the smallest things which are so annoying makes me want to run away and never come back to her ignorance.

I actually tried cutting myself three times but failed because i have sensitive skin so it would hurt me a lot i actually hate feeling pain but i should be used to it by now, maybe not physical pain but emotionally. What would inspire me to end my life is this song : Goodbye (I’m sorry) by JamesTown Story. I don’t blame the song or the artist, i blame myself. I blame myself for anything. If someone dies in a car crash I’ll blame myself even if i was 40 hours away.

My self esteem problem is still going on until this day i have no one to talk to just write down in my little diary the only thing that understands me.