Nobody Has Been Able to Help Me

As hard as this is to type for me, I’ll give it a shot.  I am a brain cancer survivor, but the last 10 years have been a misery for me.  Sure, I may have gotten “cured” in 2003, but the lingering effects of my three brain surgeries and radiation treatments still linger nearly 10 years after I was “cured.”  My eyes are all fucked up and they get strained and hurt so badly when I try to even move them.  This leads me to extraordinary headaches that have turned my life into a living hell.  I’ve had to drop out of college 3 times, quit a couple jobs due to my condition, and am pretty much at my rock bottom when it comes to this condition of mine.  Even typing this, I can’t keep my eyes focused on the screen.  I’ve been to so many doctors and none of them have really helped me.  They’ve all said that I’m going to have to live this way, but I don’t think I can go on living this way for much longer.  The pain is so debilitating.  I can’t exercise at all.  I can’t read anymore.  Driving is limited to less than 15 minutes at a time before my eye strain and headaches really get horrific.  I had so much promise before this happened.  I was at the top of my class in high school, was going to excel in everything I wanted to until this happened when I was 16.  Right now, I work a night shift job five nights a week, and get paid a fraction of what I would be getting paid if I had never gotten this fucking brain tumor.  I live with my mother, and I feel like a huge failure, as my younger brothers have surpassed me in every way possible.

I think about suicide a lot, especially on my days off.  I have nobody I can talk to.  I have no friends, I feel so alone sometimes, and most of the time I isolate myself because I can’t be the person I want to be.  At one point, I was keeping an online journal, and my mother found it, and she made me see a psychiatrist, which cost me $700 total for absolutely no help whatsoever.  My problem is physical, but it breeds emotional pain and loneliness.  My brain has never healed, and that means I can’t lift anything heavy, I can’t play any sports, I can’t do anything except sit around all fucking day, and never do anything.  I think about how much easier things would be if I was dead, and how all my suffering would finally be over.  I really don’t think I can type for much longer, as my right eye is starting to really hurt, but this is my situation.