Ironic, how even in herd of black sheep, I seem to be even too black to fit in.
Fuck your stupid conformity.
I came to find some sort of solace, but as usual, expectations of any sort just leave you fucked.
Should have known better to shut the fuck up and kill myself instead of expecting other suicidal people to understand what it really is like to want to kill yourself, not to want to live. If I wanted to live I would have gone to a fucking happy go lucky site.
Hope is fucking overrated.
49 comments
so what did you expect? what did you want to hear?
I’ve been too depressed to even send online smiley faces like this – 🙂 . I don’t know how people do it. I can’t even fake cordiality. If I could, I wouldn’t be on this site.
I expected at least an inkling of understanding. I expected people at the brink of their last breath to know what that feels like, and to be able to empathize with what might have brought me to that brink too. I expected of all people, people here to know what it is to fight that fight of inner turmoil, know how painful it is. And find it even a remotely acceptable idea to tell me it’s ok if I don’t want to hurt anymore, that I don’t have to stay. That it’s ok. That everything’s ok.
Instead I got it thrown in my face how SP is about ‘helping’ others, and that if I didn’t fit into that, that I was more than welcome to leave.
It was the last bigoted, cliched thing I had expected to hear.
There is no such thing as fighting the good fight.
At least not where I am.
Then again. It was stupid of me.
Death is a solitary walk anyways.
And Leif, I’ve read your post before. This may sound pretty twisted, but if you cut off your face. I want it. I’m pretty sure it’s beautiful.
@JJgirl13, Not everyone is the same on this site. It’s impossible! I understand your feeling and I am sure others do to. When I see that someone is determined in “doing it” all I offer is hope and peace for the afterlife if it exists. I even used to discuss methods here but then I realized that it was unsettling to other members so I stopped. I came to this site with the same thought you do now. It surprised me that people seemed so hopeful, but then I settled in as there was no other place to go and learned to manage my “expectations”. There are things that will scare off some of the members, but I am here writing to you to tell you that I am not one of them. I was ready to commit suicide a couple of days so believe me, I know. And I know how it feels just to want to be understood and supported on that decision. If you don’t want me to try to “save your life” or give you advise to find a way out; I won’t. I will be here to keep you company though. As you say, it’s a lonely path to death and I don’t want you to walk it alone.
Thank you, Swan. I’m still here because I have nowhere else to go, too. Whoever told me to go to the Church of Euthanasia site can fuck themselves. As if that shit was real. It means a lot to me, what you wrote.
I am so scared. I am sitting here scared and crying, because I want to die but am so daftly terrified – because I am terrified of those moments, standing at the ledge of an 8 story building looking down, feeling the noose tighten around my neck, feeling the oxygen drain from my blood when I pull that bag of ******** over my head, not being able to tell up from down as I lay in my own puke.. And yet at the same time I just cannot see myself living life again.
So I come here, so I can find a hand to hold, even if it is just an imaginary one.
Yet people don’t seem to understand that.
It’s not an imaginary hand. I am real. I know what you are talking about. I one saw a post of someone that “wanted to finally greet death with a smile on his face and make it his best friend”. I thought it was beautiful and if I ever make my way out of this planet, that’s how I would want it to be, even though it sounds so foreign at the moment.
Have you set up a date? Was it tonight? Have you decided which way would give you “more peace’?
You seem quite real indeed. Inside and out. I think I like you.
I’ve gone through this many times in the past decade, but it’s never boiled down as it has in the past year. I found this site to start out with, researching methods. And some of the posts I have found quite helpful. I had never stepped on to this site in the first place seeking comfort. I just wanted concrete information. Yet, I found so many others, seeking their fare to cross the river Styx like me, I stopped by now and then for the company, after all.
I have set countless dates. I’m still here, though.
With each day I push more and more people away.
Probably from the 50+ people who would constantly contact me, ask me how I was, try to help me out, etc. I’ve managed to push the last person away two days ago.
My phone rarely rings, unless it’s debt collectors. So I just leave it off. I never picked up anyways. In a way, as my solitude deepens, I hope that it will make that last step that much easier.
My method is a ******** exit bag. I have everything set up next to my bed. I made my bag last night with some pretty pink ribbon I bought a few years back. I tried it on with some ******** last night. It fits quite well.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to sneak away in the dead of the night, when the air is cool and still and the moon shines quietly. Or if it’s better to gently lay back and bask in the sun (my room gets a lot of sunlight, and sunlight has always been one of my favorite things) and fade away.
I mentioned in another post: there is nothing worse than being stuck between being dead and not living. I think you know what I mean. Yet, I am still here too.
Life beckons, and I’ve always loved it so. Life and all its people. But here I am, my feet cemented. I wish I could bid it a proper farewell.
I understand you so well. I have done the same. I’ve also disappeared from everyone’s radar and even if it was out of choice, it feels lonely and in time you realize how forgettable you really were. I also arrived here by looking up methods and it took me two days to go over that loooong helium hood method post there is here, don’t know if you’ve seen it.
I think its sad and pretty that you’ve added that pink ribbon to your bag… Pink is my favorite color and the fact that you put added detail to your “good bye bag” says a lot about you :(.
I prefer night than day time. I find it more peaceful and sunlight incites this feeling of me, “wasting the day”, missing out on stuff”…. but if you like sunlight, maybe that would be best. I can’t believe I am speaking to you this way but I want to be there for you… Putting some beautiful music on would make it more “beautiful”. I think once you decide to go, you should make it beautiful. You are sure you can’t stay, right?
What scares you most, the moment itself, saying good bye to life or what might lay ahead in an eventual after life?
I totally know what you mean, the feeling of self-imposed loneliness and how forgettable I really am in the grand scheme of other peoples’ lives.
When you ask me so frankly, I find myself having to ask the question again to myself as well. Sometimes I almost think.. mayyyyyybe I could. Stay. Then when reality kicks me in my gut, I come back to saying no.
I have completely fucked myself over in a lot of ways. Debt, fines, on the verge of eviction. But it’s not even those things. Money is money is money, to me. I’m an able bodied person with a degree and I’m sure I could find a job if I were willing to try. Willing to try, being the key point here. I didn’t even collect my last months of unemployment – it was too much effort to fill out and mail the forms. I have borderline personality disorder, so after being with someone I absolutely loved, I also managed to push him away and totally alienate him with my suicidal threats. I have good self-awareness and I know who I am; I’ve taken plenty of psych classes (I was a grad school student studying counseling) – but knowledge and awareness is one thing, being able to change yourself is another. I am totally dependent on romantic love, but strangle it to death when I have it. And as much as I ‘need’ it, I just can’t attempt it anymore. I just see myself repeating. Love – broken heart – months and months of suicidal depression. Not a life I look forward to. I can’t stop obsessing over my ex, and when I know he is successful with his 6 figure job, company on the side, publishing books, being social, being well… all I feel is longing and a crushing sense of inadequacy. My definition of productivity lately is maybe that one shower a week. (And even when I was super depressed before, at least I used to shower every day.)
I have been making a playlist, befittingly titled suicide.
Here’s one of the songs off of it. I think you’d enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84i7zQ_ACnU&feature=BFa&list=PLPpnIherLoGgs8Mxn1KL9yq9-sIymuJfv
It’s amazing to me how so many people on here are highly educated… “ignorance is bliss” comes to mind.
We’d all be happier if we were idiots.
idiots can be sad to.
I guess you’re right, Donnie. Anyone can be sad. In my case I’d be happier if I didn’t overanalyze everything, but we’ve all got our problems.
OMG!!! I understand you so well. It sounds like you’re talking about me. I am bipolar but I am also Borderline personality and have the exact same tendency of destroying relationships. It’s all in my head and I don’t know how to be different but I am extremely complicated, expect too much, don’t bring peace or joy in the relationship in the end. “Till, at the end, they leave me.
I was in your position a year ago. Another man, out of many, had left me. He was at the top of Morgan Stanley and had houses all over the world. I felt horrible that I could’t “keep” him, not only because of that but because I loved him a LOT. I considered suicide back then too and scared him off even more. I don’t know how I made it but after a long year, I finally met someone I liked… didn’t last long at all but left me completely devastated as I feel, it will just never work. It’s me! It will always happen to me and i DON’T learn. I end up putting my finger inside that electric outlet on the wall over and over again. My self-esteem is destroyed. Even if I found someone new I would be sacred to lose him and that’;s exactly what will happen.
I also have money issue and lost everything to my last manic episode. Just like you. I could have saved some stuff but, just like you, didn’t have the energy nor the will to deal with them; so wound up losing even more. I think I could get some of that back but this loneliness and hopelessness is unbearable. What’s the point???
I liked the song. I am so sorry your ex left. Do you ever talk to anyone during the day?
I’m not too scared of the afterlife. Rarely, when I think of it, I am.
I kind of live in the moment. Always. Part of my strengths/debilitating weaknesses.
I ignore thinking about what happens after death the way I ignore thinking about God, or religion, or whether there is really a point where the universe ends.
At best, I hope that if I still exist, I’ll be forgiven for my wrongs and can have something that resembles peace. At worst, it’s not even a worst. I just won’t exist. Still a little scary imagining it though. Everything I know of existence and myself going “POOF!”.
Mostly I’m afraid of the moment of death, and also the ripple it will leave with the people that love me most. Not the people I love most, the people that love me most. Hell, the person I love most may not even know what happened to me.
It makes me kind of sad and happy at the same time, knowing that we can understand each others’ experiences. Though it’s not like, happy in a really happy way. It’s kind of the kindred spirit, ‘hey! I know you.’ kind of happy. If I haven’t mentioned, I’ve also read some of your posts, and perhaps inappropriately enjoy the way you write. You would probably make a good writer.
I keep in touch with people rarely over text messages. My phone is off, but I get notifications for text messages via Google Voice, so I check them that way. Sometimes I’ll send the occasional, “I’m still here, doing shitty as usual” response. The people who really love me like my parents or my closest friends, most of the time I ignore completely. I can’t bear talking to them. I feel too much shame, too much guilt.
The last few people I’ve been talking to lately are: a friend who is unhealthily obsessed with me (he’s addicted to the fact that he can be completely open and honest with me, as well as sexually I guess), my first love/fuck buddy of ten years who got me pregnant then threatened I get an abortion but then pretty much left me high and dry when I had my miscarriage – yet who I can’t seem to hate, and occasional people I play computer games with online. Oh, and a guy I met in person a few days ago as a fluke and hung out and who now claims that he’s good for me and seems to be convinced he can save me.
The first one I told I was killing myself, asked him to tell my ex that I love him and we decided not to talk again. My fuck buddy I keep wanting to talk to for some fucked up reason, and everyone else I’m back to ignoring.
Ha, that was long winded.
How long ago was it that your ex left you? Did you like the new guy you met at all? At least you have a fuck buddy. I haven’t done anything but kiss a guy in 6 months. I went out specifically to find someone to have sex with but then decided that I didn’t like him enough and instead wound up telling him about my suffering, appearing really fucked up and obviously getting very angry at myself for doing that afterwards. Oh, sorry, there was also this loser guy I dated once who hasn’t given up that invited me to Miami to “help” me find a solution to my problems. I wound up giving in out of sympathy and feeling pressured. I really want to forget about moment. It was disgusting. Aside from that, no romance nor even sex in six months of the little youth I still have left in life. Time that will never come back. Just locked inside an apartment feeling old, ugly, undesirable, unintelligent, loser, fuck up…. Anyway, sorry if it is too graphic but I have no one to tell this to and it’s been bothering me like no one could ever understand.
Ah I know. I doubt you are old, ugly, undesirable and you certainly don’t sound unintelligent. We all lose sometimes, as well as fuck up.
My ex left me a year ago. Actually, I was the one to break up with him. Haha. Wanted too much, I guess. Unrealistic expectations. He was a great guy. I broke up with him three or four times in the span of almost a year, and I think he just got fed up.
As for my fuck buddy, I’ve seen him on and off for ten years. I stayed with him earlier this year because of my depression, and I couldn’t take care of myself. Well, same as I am now. For some time, I didn’t even really eat much at all. He even told me that in an ideal world that he would want me to love him and that we would share life. What bullshit, haha. When I had my miscarriage he left me waiting at the clinic by myself because he was busy with work, then when I got upset at being left there alone for a couple of hours waiting in the parking lot, he got angry at me for cutting into his work day. When I had to go to the hospital the next day, he didn’t even pick up his phone or respond. I ended up eventually going with another friend and staying the night at the hospital. And a couple of weeks later, I text him if I can come over (I was going crazy that night, in my head).. I ended up getting really drunk with him the next day. So drunk he found me sitting on the other side of the ledge, at the top of the parking garage, hanging by my arms. All I remember is saying ‘it was your baby and it died’ a million times and puking all over the place. He cleaned me up, I slept over, and guess what? Unprotected sex again. I know I’m crazy, but what he’s thinking, I don’t know. He treats me like shit, but holds me so tight when I sleep, it confounds me. I guess the part of me that first fell in love with him can never hate him.
This new guy I met, he tells me to give him a chance. That he’ll be ‘good’ for me. That’s what they all say. Till it all goes to shit.
Haha.
I think tomorrow’s exactly a year from when I last saw my ex. I was threatening to kill myself unless he fixed our relationship. I blamed him for changing, not being the same person he was when we started. He dealt through all of it. Me buying bottles of bleach, talking to him on the phone about how I was going to drink it, calling him from the beach threatening to jump in the ocean.. God, I can be such a nutcase.
It was when I took an overdose of tylenol and maybe some other drugs.. that he drew the line. I never saw him again. As much as I threatened to kill myself, he said he could never understand how I could do something like that to someone I claimed to love.
I guess it’s quite textbook of borderline, but how much can I blame the disorder and how much can I blame myself? Either way, I guess I’m trying to rid of both because I can’t separate the two.
I haven’t actually read any of your posts. I wouldn’t listen to any of my opinions; I’m incompetent and a general liability.
Err… You could try going to the chat room. I hear people there are far more sympathetic.
Hahaha. My post that reads ‘Irony’ comes from being in the chat room.
The chat room became too ‘helpful’ and ‘sympathetic’ for me.
I wanted to talk to people who were open about talking about suicide.
I even expected acceptance at my desire to kill myself. I was wrong.
I was pretty much told to leave if I didn’t appreciate the helpful atmosphere.
I left, cried on my bed and told myself I was stupid to want to be able to talk freely about killing myself and feel accepted, even in a suicide chat room.
Someone told me that if I wanted support in wanting to kill myself I should go find someplace else, like the Church of Euthanasia. Unfortunately, I have checked out that site before and it’s not really real from what I can tell. I would go someplace else if I could. There is no place else.
Apparently handfuls of people telling me to leave if the chat room doesn’t meet my expectations isn’t bullying.
Too bad I didn’t meet the ideal ‘suicidal candidate who just wants encouragement to live’ profile.
So far I’m finding better company just reading and replying to posts.
I couldn’t handle anymore exposure to online e-kisses and hugs anyways.
Yeah, definitely like your attitude. I guess we have a few things in common which is really weird.
The chat room is really just a group of friends. Despite what they say, it’s about them and that’s good. If it helps them come to terms with their existence then who are we to say otherwise. A lot of the kids benefit from it so, as long as they find it helpful that’s all that counts.
You can talk to me whenever, don’t worry about anything.
I don’t know… A guy that sticks with you through this very scary and unattractive passage we’re trapped in, must really care for you. Most have left me. The past will always shape the image we have of someone in the present, but things do change and feelings evolve. Do you see a future next to your first love? Would you want that?
Is your suffering still directly linked to the fact that you are no longer with your ex or is it something deeper than that? The new guy seems promising if you like him. You don’t seem to dislike him from what I gather so maybe there’s a chance there?
In my case, I may not look old but feel old. I might not be ugly but I have a HUGE problem with my physical beauty. My psychiatrist compares me with anorexic people. No matter how “good” I look, I don’t think it’s good enough and I find myself going over and obsessing after every bit of my body and face. This “syndrome” will only worsen with time since I am getting older.
I used to get complemented a lot on my intelligence earlier in life, but long ago, I left my brain forgotten in 9th grade in my rush of becoming beautiful and never put the time nor the effort in developing my potential. Now, I lack knowledge, compared to others, which enhances the thinking ability and therefore is often mistaken with intelligence itself.
Anyway, I based my life on looking good. Had opportunities to make it into the world I dreamed of but destroyed each one of them with my mood swings and insecurities. Now, I am left with nothing cause looks fade and since plan B never was an option, I am just tuck with the hope of somehow getting lucky before it’s too late.
@ Black Swan I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, your acting awfully strange. I’m sure you look halfway decent and you are intelligent. Your a cool dude. I like that.
Thanks Duke. I’ve read a couple of your replies to people before, and found you likable. I’m finding that posting back thought out sentiments and stories is a lot more comforting than sitting in a chat room not really talking about much that I find meaningful, deep or remotely makes me feel connected to another human being on a deep level.
I have nothing against people helping those struggling to live. But I think to make someone feel ostracized for being the opposite isn’t the right thing either.
If there are young ones, or even people who have not thoroughly thought about what it means to commit suicide, die, or truly contemplated on their life, they definitely should do so. And some people do need encouragement or a sounding board for that. But I am not one of those people. And I think wanting to be accepted for knowing that I would rather die than not truly live, is not that outlandish. They’re not the only lonely or scared ones. People who accept suicide as an acceptable answer need support too. Actually, it’s MUCH MUCH harder to find that kind of support.
Bigotry comes in many forms.
@Duke, I had the same experience that Jjgirl13 had in the “******” site. I actually think I spoke to you, if you call yourself, Duke of Lemonade, there… I instantly saw that the chat didn’t really involve the subject of suicide but was more of a “social place” to meet people and make friends, so I left and never went back. I also feel more comfortable here.
Of course, I am happy for the members that do find what they are missing there. I am sure it must help them if they chose to be there. It’s a matter of preference and it depends on the purpose you have when joining this site.
I don’t hang out there much. At least it has mopped up the ones who would be here instead. Some of kids on their have problems and if it takes their minds off things then that’s more than we can do for them.
I honestly do think my first love is a bastard. Or something like that. I just can’t tell to what extent he’s using me. The new guy, I’m really not too interested in. With no particular offense to him, I like people with a little more um.. intelligence. Curiosity. Passion. Among other things, which I didn’t pick up from this guy the first time we met. I’m not the most attractive or intelligent girl, but I do get my share of guys. Most don’t interest me. I don’t even know what usually sparks it. But when it does, it flares.
I get obsessed with each person that I love. When I finally move on, I generally move on and forget a lot of the past with the people before. I probably have some kind of attachment and dependency issue. I’ve even tried psycho-analyzing it myself – tracing it back to moving a WHOLE lot growing up. But part of it does have to do with my ex. He really is a great guy. Intelligent, well-spoken, driven, handsome, creative, affectionate, good in bed.. etc. Why did I break up, you ask? Nit-picking, I guess. Never treated me the same as during the honeymoon phase. I don’t change much. For me, honeymoon phase never ends. I get super attached. Want tons of sex. Never want to be apart. Anyways. I also seem to obsess over people who shut me out. People who constantly show me love, I seem to have no problem shutting out. God, I am such a ***** for it.
Oh, and Swan. You seem quite eloquent and smart. I wouldn’t even question it. There’s a reason I actually like reading your posts and replies. It helps that you make sense. On top of that you seem empathetic, and not in any superficial sense. You make your sympathies felt.
Even if you were one of the ugliest girls, which I seriously seriously doubt you are. You could probably easily make a living off your brains alone.
@ Black Swan, I have so many names, most of which I wouldn’t care to repeat in the presence of a Laaaaady.
Duke, you kind of sound like me. I say I like this or that, just the way you do.
^
on what you said about Swan; you’re a cool dude, I like that.
@Duke, thanks. I am just growing increasingly anxious about my trip back to New York to the same BS I so hard tried to scape from. And I also (believe me, I KNOW this is going to sound REALLY ridiculous so I warn you) lost 10 years of all my photos. I only have what I posted on Facebook and it’s all low quality resolution. I didn’t have a present back then, cause I was too busy trying to make it “look” good for the picture. I don’t have a future and all I had was the memories of the things I had accomplished in the past printed and “immortalized” in pictures. You see how ridiculous I sound? I am sorry. I never advertised myself as being a sensible person, but I’ve always sustained I am honest. Still, I’ll live, I think most probably.
By the way, I like you too. You’re cool as well. I enjoy reading your comments.
@Jjgirl13, I thought it was just me but I guess I am also another “typical synthoms chart” of a borderline personality. Same type of issues in relationships here… I will come back later. I need to go now but It’s been really nice getting to know you. I’ll write some more later.
Good night, or at least it is night here. More of a good dawn.
For the hours we have talked in this fashion tonight, strangely enough I have forgotten about killing myself. Another morning beckons me to sleep.
Good morn’ to you, lady and gent.
@ Jjgirl why thank you
@ Black Swan we will work something out and find a way to help you understand that you are the best. I can’t remember how old you said you were but I’m sure it wasn’t that old. Some women actually get better with age. You could be a bottle of dom perignon (1990 was a good year)
I wanted to say one last thing before bed…
It’s weird, this is the most liveliest I’ve felt in a while.
Talking to people who seem to accept the fact that I want to die.
It’s quite similar to the peace I felt when I accepted I wanted to die too.
This is the closest I’ve felt to being happy, since I can remember.
I’m even slightly smiling.
Talk about irony..
Black Swan and I have been known to have that effect on people 😉
Get some good sleep. There’s still tomorrow to look forward to.
I turned on my phone just to post this when I realized what this feeling was. It’s the feeling of being understood
@ Duke, you have that effect indeed :).So nice what you sometimes say. One day you’ll have to confess to the other aliases you have out there in the internet space.
@Jjgirl, I am glad you feel that way. I’ll be around to chat whenever you feel like it. Even though the new guy will not pass the boyfriend material test, he could help out by being some king of “crutch” for the time being. He has offered so it’s not like you’d be using him. He wants to why not let him.
Your first love helps also more than cause harm at the moment? If so, why reject the shoulder to cry on and the company. I hope you have a “sunlighty” day since you mnaged to make it through another night in pain. ‘Till soon.
@ Black Swan, I don’t just give that information out to random girls
@ Duke, I suspected I was still in the random category so that’s why I figured it would have to be “one day” ;-).
Do you now
Do I know? I don’t understand.
Figure it would have to be ‘one day’?
Err… You can have my email but if you spamming me with weight loss drugs (a former SP user did that) I’m gonna have to block you.
Lol. So icanyouremailifiasknicely and promise not to spam? Ok. Deal :). By the way, what is the address exactly? I just remember it being something along those lines.
That’s a fake one. I really shouldn’t have given out my real one. You live and learn I suppose
Lol. It’s fine. I am not good at email anyway but it was still nice that you volunteered to give me your email for some reason so why would I decline the offer. The private names are not important, I just thought it was a funny subject to discuss. That’s all.
@ black swan I commented on your post mirror mirror. It should show up.