Finally decided to end it

I posted a little while back about my situation, and I am realizing that not only is my depression linked to my tattoos (I have so many) it is a chemical imbalance that I did not believe in for so long. I masked my depression, bipolar, ocd, and whatever else the doctors say I have with booze and drugs for so long that these past 4  years of sobriety has been hell without my usual coping method.  My depression has gotten worse with each year, and this past one has been a nightmare.  6 psych wards and hours in counseling, all the different meds, ECT, and natural remedies.  Nothing seems to work.   I don’t know what to do other than to go back to drinking and I now have a prescription for klonopin.  I am thinking of saving up the klonopin and relapsing on alcohol (its been awhile but I know I will go nuts with the amount of booze I can drink) and take all my klonopins.  I know that might not do it so I think I am going to put two charcoal grills in the back of my hatchback car and sit down by the shore as I pass out in my car.  If the drugs dont kill me the carbon monoxide should.  There is never anyone down the shore this time of year where I live so it is always so deserted and peaceful.  I only worry about my families heartache but they have seen me in and out of hospitals for 13 years.  Since I was 17.  I know it is time to go, because every day is a nightmare that only gets worse.  I don’t enjoy anything any more and all the old emotions from my past are back with feelings of regret. I cant describe it other than pure hell, panic, and darkness over my life.  I did go back to college and graduate with honors so I accomplished something good in this life.  Funny thing is I went back for counseling in addictions.  Always wanted to help others get sober.  So scared of what awaits on the other side too…..