I wish I wasn’t here.

I don’t have any motivation to do anything anymore. I use to think about suicide a lot, since I was in High school. It made me so happy just thinking about it. I have never harmed myself intentionally, but now I am in community college since I couldn’t focus in high school. I feel even shittier, I’m failing everyone of my classes. I always daydream that I was alone in a house overlooking a jungle. I just wish I could pay attention, and participate in the classroom discussion. I just hate how I am complaining even though there are people out there worse than me. I mean I will never know what its like to be starved, physically abused, or mentally. If I could just not exist and instead someone less fortunate can take my place then I would take it in a heartbeat. I’m lazy, ignorant, the scum of this planet. My dream inn life was to help as much people as possible, but how could i do that when i can’t even help myself. A couple weeks ago I got into an dumb argument with my mom,and I started crying uncontrollably, I feel broken. Then I stormed out and started driving, I realized there was there nowhere I could go. I came very close to just driving off the cliff near the pacific coast highway. I a grown man cries when arguing with his mommy, how pathetic is that. I just feel like I dont belong in this world. During that drive I knew I could not do anything spontanoues. I am trapped by the confines of myself, I can’t do anything different. I can’t change. I am trying to get professional help, and if that doesn’t work, I’m probably going to kill myself.