I don’t have any motivation to do anything anymore. I use to think about suicide a lot, since I was in High school. It made me so happy just thinking about it. I have never harmed myself intentionally, but now I am in community college since I couldn’t focus in high school. I feel even shittier, I’m failing everyone of my classes. I always daydream that I was alone in a house overlooking a jungle. I just wish I could pay attention, and participate in the classroom discussion. I just hate how I am complaining even though there are people out there worse than me. I mean I will never know what its like to be starved, physically abused, or mentally. If I could just not exist and instead someone less fortunate can take my place then I would take it in a heartbeat. I’m lazy, ignorant, the scum of this planet. My dream inn life was to help as much people as possible, but how could i do that when i can’t even help myself. A couple weeks ago I got into an dumb argument with my mom,and I started crying uncontrollably, I feel broken. Then I stormed out and started driving, I realized there was there nowhere I could go. I came very close to just driving off the cliff near the pacific coast highway. I a grown man cries when arguing with his mommy, how pathetic is that. I just feel like I dont belong in this world. During that drive I knew I could not do anything spontanoues. I am trapped by the confines of myself, I can’t do anything different. I can’t change. I am trying to get professional help, and if that doesn’t work, I’m probably going to kill myself.
3 comments
there is no shame in showing emotion. we all have feelings and i think it best to vent than to let it eat at you. your dreams were to help people, bad people dont dream the same way they want to hurt. your not a bad person! think back to when you were younger, i bet you once viewed the world differently,see you have changed and you will change again.
Thanks for the kind words deflated.
kind people need kind words.