I just want to die

growing up all I ever heard was how lazy, ugly and dirty I was. I was told that reading books, the one way I had dealt with my depression since age 9, were bad. I thought it was normal to wake up everyday before school and cry and feel this deep opening of pain in my chest. The sadness is actually painful for me, I feel the whole widening, wanting to swallow me. It has no bottom to it, as soon as I don’t think I could feel any more pain I feel more. But a child shouldn’t feel like that. I graduated with honors, one of only 20 kids in my class to do it, and with an a average. I cleaned the house, and took care of my little brother, which Ive been forced to do since he was born when I was 12, and dealt with the consent screaming at me, telling me how worthless I was. That nothing I ever do is good enough. And I had to sit there and take it because if I tried to defend myself it only got worse. Then I discovered cutting. It was an accident at first. But when I realized that after the split second of pain came endless pleasure and relief, that with that first drop of blood I felt all the tension and anxiety and depression would leave, even if only for a few minutes. I was hooked.  I sat there and watched while he did the same to my little brother, my whole reason for staying in that house as long as I did. He screams at his little 3 year old son that hes worthless and stupid and good for nothing. And i sat and watched. I told myself, what could I do?  I couldn’t stop him. My only option would be to call cps, and then what? they’d never be able to prove anything and even if they did how could I watch my little brother be shipped off to a foster home. Hes 7 now. And so angry, so sad. I failed to protect the one thing that mattered most to me. A child should never have to feel like that. I failed because my mom kicked me out the day before my 18th birthday, took my car, called the cops on me, tried to blackmail and guilt me into quitting both my job and college. It was one of the hardest things Ive had to survive, the feeling that the person who is supposed to love you the most in this world, hates me. And I hate her right back. I lived with a friend for a while, but I just felt worse and worse, till I couldn’t even get out of bed. My boyfriend told me we were going to get an apartment together, and we did. I finally managed to stop cutting, because I discovered drugs and drinking. Now that’s not even enough anymore. At one point my boyfriend cheated on me, we wanted to work things out and we did. Our relationship has been better then it ever was, even in the beginning. My love for him has only grown, not lessened. And he said the same was true for him. And I believed him. He was very convincing, being lovey all the time, telling me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. And all of a sudden he wont touch me, wont even talk to me. Every time I ask what’s wrong he says I wont understand because I’m not him. And it scares me worse then any one could imagine. I try so hard to be normal. I had to drop out of school because my depression and anxiety got so bad that when I did mange to get out of bed I was having panic attacks in the middle of class. That was a year ago. Ive finally found a steady job, with coworkers I consider friends. Ive been there about 6 months. But the pressure is getting worse and worse. I’m now running the place but with none of the help, pay, or title. Because my boss got given another store to manage, so hes there all the time and since Im his number 2 I’m in charge. I feel like I’m disappointing him, because I’m cracking under the pressure. I have a beautiful apartment, a job that’s not so bad, a loving boyfriend. And it feels like its all about to be ripped right out from under me, no matter how much I try to hold on. The only thing that keeps me going is my animals, when I’m alone in the house all day with my suicidal thoughts and endless sadness feelings they are always there. Always loving, always there. But the one thing that made me survive my childhood, my cat of 12 years, died. Shes left me all alone and I cant cope anymore. I just want my baby back. It seems so stupid  but she was all I had. But none of its enough anymore. My depression and anxiety and panic attacks were well controlled on a medication for about a month…then all of a sudden it stopped working. Panic attacks and depression came back so quick I didn’t even have time to see it coming, it just slapped me in the face. Doc doubled my dose a few days ago, but I just feel worse. I’m hoping it just takes a while to kick in, because if it doesn’t I can safely say that I’m not going to survive. I love life but it isn’t worth the pain anymore. Now my boyfriend is making me feel like nothing I do is good enough, just like my parents. It hurts so badly and so deeply I cant even describe it. He knew I had a problem with cutting and quite a bit of my past but he doesn’t understand. He grew up like he was supposed to, with a loving supportive family. He could never imagine half the stuff I’m going through. The very few times I’ve slipped up in the last year and cut, he was so mad. I didn’t expect anger. I just wanted him to hug me and tell me everything is all right and I got yelled at, all too familer. He doesn’t understand, will never understand. Will never be able to be what I need him to be for me to live. I love him so much and I don’t want to put him through me killing myself but I don’t know how to cope, I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. Ive been fighting for 10 years, I give up. I will never be normal. I will never succeed. Ive become everything I said Id never be, and in many ways I’m ok with that. I like my life mostly. But the sadness, it overshadows everything. Makes me feel like I am so alone. I’m pulling away from all my friends, not talking to anybody for help like I used to. and i recognize that its a sign of how far gone I am, that I wont even ask for help anymore. I’m not sure I have the guts to kill myself, but I prolly do. Mostly I just want it all to end. I want a car to hit me, someone to shoot me, someone to strangle me. I want so badly to die that I’m afraid I might grant my own wish. And I don’t even have the strength to care.  All the fight is gone…I give up.