physically, i have parents, family and friends. mentally and emotionally, i have nobody.
with every passing day its like I find another reason to want to kill myself. I’m just so over it. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, everyone thinks I’m on drugs because I’ve been acting up lately, but they don’t know… they don’t know that I cry myself to sleep every night, they don’t know I spend every second of my free time daydreaming, exploring, plotting. I just lay here in my bed, and think. why does death feel so distant, when I’m so close to the edge. why do I have to wake up every morning and think how am I going to make it through the day, better yet, why do I wake up every morning. what’s stopping me from just finally killing myself. the… pain, and the misery just disappearing. the thought, of leaving everything behind, the thought, of never having to wake up, is just so tempting, so for filling. that glimpse of true inner peace, fading away as you regain consciousness, and brought back to reality.
why am I so scared of what I want most. why is death so violent and painful, when all I ask is to be truly happy. but now.. now I understand. depression isnt something that happens overnight, it can be caused by a lot of things, and it takes time (days, months, even years) for someone to work up the courage to kill themselves.(nothing new to you guys) and by that point, when all hope is lost and your only will is to die, pain, and fear, and anything else you were feeling in your previous attempts to kill yourself, fail to present themselves in your final act. the depression has won and nothing can stop you now. you feel no pain you fear nothing, this life is lost, your leaving and your not coming back. and that’s exactly where I am.