too late

It’s too late for help. I’ve had too many years of hatred and self-loathing. I always have and I always will feel dirty.
They’ve finally decided to recognize sibling sexual abuse. Well, I hope it will help someone else because it’s too late for me. He was four years older than me, but I will always feel like I’m to blame. I’ll always feel like I did something.
I must be the one to blame because he is a well-respected doctor in Baltimore, and I am nothing. His life has been a life of charm and mine has been one of struggle.
I don’t understand why God would allow this to happen. I was so young. Now I’m in my fifties and my life is likely more than half over. It’s too late for me and I just wish I could finally find the stregth to end this pain and hate once and for all.
I always feel like I am so close to resolution (death), but something keeps me hanging in there. But the older I get the harder it is to find the strength to “hang in there.”
This too shall pass? It’s my mantra.