The thing that I hate the most is how much emotional pain I know that I am in. I’m always in it, but sometimes when bad things happen I get into a real state and I just wish I would die that instant. But now its been several hours later and I feel the doubt that’s completely creeped in.
I know that I don’t have anything to live for. I know that I will never be happy, but just like everything else in my life I think my fears might end up fucking me over in the end. What I fear is what happens when I am dead. We as humans don’t know what happens after death, you can’t help but think that there might be heaven, oasis, nothingness, hell, reincarnation etc. But what if you end up a tormented spirit wandering around for eternity, or there is a hell and your burned and tortured for eternity for committing suicide and not being religious? It honestly sounds insane, but it really freaks me out. I also fear what will happen with my body. I have seen autopsy’s on youtube and being an organ donor, kind of fear them tearing me apart, but then I know that I will save many lives. I’m honestly the type that thinks too much and I try to turn it off but its hard.
My doubt is filling me but I don’t want it to. I think about life and I don’t want to start living it, it will be such a long and difficult journey full of suffering that I know I don’t want. Yet I have all these fears surrounding death. When I think about the moment when you pass it gives me chills and feelings of terror. I want to go, I want to be at peace. I guess only time will tell.
2 comments
Thoughts that like are one of the few things that keep me here. My truest personal belief is that there is nothing after death. If you absolutely made me guess, I would say we die and that’s it. But like you, the doubts creep in. Especially the ones about what if committing suicide leads to a dimension even worse than this as some sort of punishment. What if killing ourselves to escape is really no escape at all. So I know what you mean. When you’re in a lot of pain, it’s easy to say screw it, I’m ready to take that risk and find out what happens. Then you think about it for a while and realize it’s not that easy.
If someone could absolutely PROVE to me that there is nothing after death, that I won’t comeback, that there won’t be more suffering, I think I would gladly choose to end it pretty soon. And in no way am I trying to start a debate about the afterlife with anyone who comments after me. Don’t even bother. There is no proof of what happens. Only beliefs and opinions.
I hate not knowing 🙁