Everytime I think about it my heart races, I feel sick, I want to die.
It feels like my heart is going to explode, I slightly shake. I don’t even want to think about it.
I thought I found the perfect guy. He seemed like everything you ever wanted, he was, but he was too different from me. I am pretty poor, and I don’t have many achievements in my life. He has it all, he has even admitted to never experiencing anything bad in life. He’s got some money, college, a good job. His family didn’t truly give a care about me because I had nothing. They never bothered to get to know me really, or find out why I was at this place in my life.
His friends hated me, they thought I was a *****, they couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get out in the world and achieve things in my life. His brother had said that I was lying and not depressed, that I was just lazy, even though he had never even had a conversation with me the entire time. He didn’t even know anything about me.
Our relationship soured because my love couldn’t think for himself, he didn’t understand my depression, he didn’t understand my irritability and my unwillingness to do anything. He fell out of love with me. He threw me away. I had gotten on good terms with him, he made me promise to not talk about us or him being with other people. I told him that if he died it wouldn’t hurt as much as him being with someone else. He then wanted to stop talking, he said for a few weeks till t”things settled” (like if two weeks passed I would love him less, what a joke). The conversation ended up with me subtly admitting that I was going to kill myself, by saying I had a plan for me and that I was finally going to be happy.
He text my mom straight away, she was sleeping so I got the texts. I told him I did, so he text her boyfriend, who also happened to be upstairs, so I deleted it. I told him that I found them and we continued to talk about it. He ended up telling me that I was inconsiderate in the beginning of our relationship, about how I never cared how he felt about this and how I apparently thought it was easy for him and that I never put myself in his shoes and that he at least did that for me (pfffff). I told him that he never talked about it being hard and that he just judged me and told me to do things that I couldn’t do and always got frustrated with me and never understood, and that I was “sorry” that I didn’t feel bad for him.
He then reverted to running away by saying that “there is no talking to me” (as in I’m being stubborn), and then continued by bringing up our previous arrangement where he would answer my questions and then we would stop talking to eachother. He said that I should leave him alone. I text him all kinds of things and he still hasn’t text me back. I’m hoping he will in the morning.
I know that he can be difficult and he hides behind a lot of things but I know the person I fell in love with is still there, I know that he is good and pure because of his past and his nature; the things he does for people, I know what and who he is and I don’t understand why he acts like this.
His retarded asshole brother who is a complete douche had him go out on a double date with this girl he knew and her friend, and apparently she really likes him.. It breaks my heart that instead of being there for me and helping me survive he chooses to throw me away. He has said that he doesn’t think that they will go out but then says that he might ask her out, but not for at least a  month. He has told me many times that he is too immature to be in a relationship and that he just wants to be alone to do the things he likes to do without having someone to answer to. I was his first relationship, yeah, he got stuck with me for his first, but the truth is, is that he is telling the truth in those facts about him, he shouldn’t be getting into a relationship, but he probably will.. just like my last boyfriend. Just replace me with something better, and easier to deal with.
The pain makes me sick. I love him more then anything on this earth. My whole entire life changes with him in it. He brings me so much. Without him I truly have nothing, and no one. Thinking about him being with someone else is so indescribably painful I don’t even know what to do with myself. What hurts more is that his life gets to go on being perfect and nothing changes, while I suffer, everyday, all alone. It hurts… so.. much. I don’t WANT to love or care about him anymore, I want the pain to go away, I want to forget him, its so unfair. I just suffer with more pain that I don’t deserve.. I can’t stand it..
11 comments
I’ll probably end my life over a lost love in the next few days.
So I understand.
My heart goes out to you <3
I know it hurts but really when someone decides they are done with you, you need to stop contacting. It drags out the pain to text someone and wait to find out if they are going to answer or not, then eventually you talk to each other and arguments start, just like what you described where he says he is willing to talk to you if you won’t bring up being a couple, and then you tell him it hurts you worse than death to think he might be with someone else. If you keep this cycle going, you are going to keep hurting yourself.
We make too many excuses about “I know the person I loved is still in there somewhere”. So what? It’s better to face the reality that these people are choosing not to want us. It’s not out business to worry about what is inside them or to convince them that they should change their mind and take us back. Don’t worry about what is inside him. Worry about how he is behaving on the outside. He is telling you to leave him alone. He is considering going on a date with other girls.
I’m coming up on one full year since the girl I wanted to marry left me behind and took all her friends with her. So you don’t have to tell me what suffering feels like. Most people are healed after a year, even after a few months. I am not that type. I miss people for a long time. But I still stand by what I just said. I would be in ten times more pain if I had spent this year trying to convince her to love me again, or pretending that I could handle being her friend just so I could keep her in my life. Even this morning, for the first time in a while I had the urge to look her up online just to see if she is dating anyone or how she looks. But I have to stop myself because like you described, I will start shaking, I will feel pure pain, my heart will want to explode.
I just hope you don’t let him keep leading you on forever. Don’t do all that overdramatic stuff about how you can’t live without him. You did at one point. You will again. You probably said the same thing about the last boyfriend who left you. You probably felt like you needed him. And then someone else came along. What if there is a different person waiting for you again? I know you don’t want someone else right now, you want him, but it doesn’t sound like he wants you, so it’s a dead end and you will just hurt yourself trying to change it.
Can you stop being so right all the time like its driving me nuts, you’re too good my friend.
I’m sorry your lady did that, that’s really harsh. I will tell you that I did have a relationship before this, almost 3 years, half of it was garbage. He ended up leaving me (probably cheated on me as well) for his soon to be sister in law (ya, really). He never answered any of my questions, he just used me, and left me to rot. It was the worst 6 months of my life, but then the person I wrote this post about came into my life and he has always been the most perfect being <3 (except near the end of coarse).. Well I not only didn't like how our conversation ended, but I had a question to ask him that I had asked him multiple times before that he always ignored but answered everything else. I don't even care if I lost my dignity, I text him almost every 30 minutes for 4 hours till he answered me, though I knew he was getting them and ignoring me. I needed to know or else it would eat me alive (I have OCD which makes it much more difficult to just "forget"). So he finally gave in and answered, and we shared some sentiments and we said our final goodbye's. We wrote what we hoped and wished for eachother and I guess we will never talk again, thats it; done, forever. I just want to die right now I can't even begin to understand this pain. Its unlike anything I've felt before and I don't know what to do because I don't have anywhere to go or anything to do, and makes it just one of the many reasons why I want to go to my (hopefully) peaceful place.
I am truly sorry about that. I love a girl so much but shes not with me. I dont think I’ll ever get her. I’m poor, with no friends and even parents abandoned me. There’s nothing in my life. I am sorry about you girl. I do know poverty pretty well.
I am going thought that right now except we both have the same back ground, kind of poor, no achievements. I never believed in true love or love at first sight till I met him. I love him with everything I have; I wish he felt the same. He fucked me over for my best friend and I need to move on but who knew it would be this hard, I want to die I am so tired of hurting but I don’t have the courage because I don’t want my little sister, brother and daughter (even though she isn’t biological) to grow up without me and wonder why I didn’t love them enough to stay. I cut every day. I think about him all the time. I cry constantly, I feel so weak. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. My mom says I am over reacting and need to grow up and be mature but she has never found her true love so, How would she understand? If you ever need to talk email me. I may not have an answer but I will listen.
I’m so so sorry that he put you through that, I couldn’t even imagine someone doing that to me. I don’t even know what to say because I’m going through the same emotions (again), just stronger then my last relationship, which like I said in the previous comment, that guy left me for his soon to be sister in law. It took me a long time to get over it but it did slowly get better everyday. I would never have believed it but it did. I don’t know about my recent relationship though. I loved him a million times more then the guy before. It truly felt like he was the one. We talked about living together and getting married. I was more than ready for him to ask me. And its all gone, all because I have too much wrong with me for him to deal with. He even told me that he “could handle a relationship with less to worry about” (his exact words) and thanked me for bringing his confidence up, like wtf? I don’t think he meant it meanly but it still hurt. In regards to the girl he saw, he did say that I shouldn’t worry because it might not even go well with her, which made me feel better. I know that I can’t hate him for it because he doesn’t feel anything that I feel, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
We had our last conversation about an hour ago and I haven’t stopped crying for hours. I didn’t only lose him, I lost all that he brought me, and his family (even if a couple of them didn’t think totally nice things about me) … I don’t know how to think, or breathe. I haven’t slept, and I have barely eaten. I’ve never loved like this before and I don’t know what to do either. I wish I could just die too, I don’t want to feel this anymore, I hate it. Every day feels like a month, dragging on and on, and he is all I can think about, and when I do manage to get my mind off of him something reminds me of him and its like being stabbed.. I guess we both just have to face time and hope it really does heal all wounds.
Thank you. You too.
I understand you completely, the love of my life has ended it with me so many times but we always managed to find out way back together. Apart from this time im scared we never will, hes hurt me so many times but i cant stop loving him. Without him i feel lost and pain so strong it feels like someone is physically injuring me, i need him and crave him.Yet im so sick of feeling this, for so so long, all my friends dont understand why im not over him yet and havent moved on but how can you move on from someone who is everything to you? he was the one person who made me feel happy, and not worthless for once in my life.
I understand. I don’t understand how any one can just cut ties and move on unless they honestly didn’t care for the person anymore. Most of the guys that left me ended up with someone else straight away so its like their happiness never ended, while I just suffered the loss all on my own. My last boyfriend was the same way except we didn’t constantly break up. Eventually after he moved out our relationship faded on behalf of him, until he broke up with me and went out with someone else. There was nothing I could do. I knew that it was for the best and that he should have been out of my life, our relationship was toxic, but I still cared about him, and he was all I’d known for 3 years. It hurt so much at first but it did get better, naturally. It did take some time but that’s just life.
With the end of my recent relationship I will say that it hurts, it hurts so much more, but there is nothing anyone can do. If I never stop loving him then I will just have to learn to live with that. Just take it day by day.
If your relationship does end, it will probably be enough to make you lose your mind the first week, but you just have to fight through it. Fight as hard as you can. Just try your hardest to not let it take you down. Stay strong!
It’s called be human