Basically.
I’m done.
Since the age of 8 I have been going through shit, and I simply can’t deal with it anymore. It’s as though I’ve entered some alternate dimension where God picks on me for his amusement, I’m in college now and it was supposed to end, but it’s just getting worse. I’m smart you know? Straight A student. But..since I was eight I have been homeless, I’ve lived on the streets and all. It even got to the point where my family decided “Hey lets all sleep in a bar..” but i refused because.. well… it was the last straw. I won’t type my whole story, because honestly it’s just too much. I’m in therapy now (provided by the college) and like everyone else who I try to seek help from by telling them my story, she became speechless and cried while mumbling “continue”. Hell, she’s the second therapist that’s heard my story because the first one honestly said “Well… you’re too fucked up for me to help.”
My parents are piss poor..Good people, but piss poor. My tuition isn’t paid and I have no idea how I’m still here. I tried to get a job and for a time it seemed like all would be okay. But, like everything else it got fucked up. apparently the people I worked for were scam artist, and it led to my bank account being locked and possibly a ruin of my credit. I’ve been in college for 4 months.. 4 MONTHS! I’ve never made this many serious mistakes, been this stupid and I can’t take it anymore. So.. This is my final testiment. Somehow, I”m going to enlist in the military. And. I’m going to wait for a bit, maybe a few months to a year. Then, when I’m all alone with a gun in my hand I’ll shoot myself, plain and simple.
Believe it or not I thought about doing this in 9th grade (this was before I knew you needed a high school diploma to enlist), but foolishly I believed that after the hellhole that was my childhood ended all would be well, but it’s not.
The funny thing is, after all of this I’ll probably go to Hell too. Just to rub it in.
So. Good-bye earth. I won’t miss you. You won’t miss me. But thanks for the mind fuck.
1 comment
A very poignant post.
And yes, I believe you thought about that as you said.
Good luck to you, whatever happens, including choosing to stay around in this world.