How Do I Find Him>

This is my problem right now.  The man I love is gone.  They say he hung himself.  I go through our old texts before I changed my number and it says that he is doing good and just wants me to come and see.  Now that all this has happened, I finally did and it was true.  I was so self-righteous and spiteful that I didn’t even try to believe him when he told me.  He thought that money was the most important thing to me, and he did something desperate to get it.  He had me listed as his emergency contact but it was my old number, and nobody ever told me he was introuble or tried to contact me.  His big plan fell through, there was nobody with him, he wears glasses and didn’t even have those for the last week.  He would have been in so much pain.  He had been a car wreck and I think the arresting officers beat him, too…but I don’t know.  His leg was sutured because of the accident, but they wouldn’t give him painkillers.  I am trying to be direct when I write this, but I don’t know what I need to say.  Now I can never have him…at least not here, I don’t think.  Right now everything seems so questionable.  I never believed in God, not your stock christian fairytale shit and neither did he…I still don’t know if he really did this to himself or if the jailers or an inmate did…but I don’t think that necessarily matters so much because either way, he is not here anymore.

We lived together for three years, everything, thick or thin, things most people wouldn’t allow…I knew it was him when I met him, he is my mate.  I found out he had done this desperate thing that go him in trouble because he wanted money to do something big for me.  I just wanted him to be kind to me, and clean, and hold down any job – it didn’t matter. but i was so angry…and, regardless, this is where we have come.

My questions are: if he hanged himself, do i have to do that, too, to find him?  Or can I slit my wrists and take painkillers…it feels so cowardly to me to say that, but that is my question…I thought about shooting myself, but I am worried my hand will pull back and i will not be fatally shot, only incapacitated and disfigured.

I would like to do it in the bath tub the way i said, but does anyone have any reason to believe it has to be done in the same way in order to find him?  I only have to ind him. We all die eventually, and with him gone, there is a huge hole in every one of my plans, not something any thing or one can repair.