I remember the first time I thought of that.. The first time I put it in writing, you read it and cared. You asked me what was wrong. I lied and said it was just the title of something I was going to write. I’m making it true now. We haven’t even been friends for so long. Never in my life had I ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted you. You helped me get rid of my fears. You made me feel safe and happy which I hadn’t been in years. Then we went our separate ways. I was no longer your best friend. I wasn’t even a friend. You made it seem as if I wasn’t even someone you knew. You acted with total indifference.
You saved me and I am thankful for that but when you left… you left me in pieces. Pieces that in over two years, I have yet to be able to put back together. I try my best to be happy. I try not to self-harm. On thursday I saw you walking as I drove by… You looked happy. You have continued to live your life, fully forgetting that I ever existed. And I am here. Feeling so idiotic and pathetic for still wanting you in my life. Feeling miserable and disgusted with myself. I once grabbed the gun and put it on my head… But I couldn’t pull the trigger with the thought of how messy of a death it would be. Today I thought that besides my mother, and perhaps my sister, no one would care or even notice if I just happened to die.
You were the only one I ever shared my feelings with and now I have no one as I post this on a website where no one knows my true identity.
Maybe the only way to get rid of these terrible feelings is by just dying right now.
1 comment
The problem is the “maybe”. Who really knows? Suicide is never the answer…just another question…another gamble. What happens if you take all your feelings with you into another reality? What then? Maybe it’s just time to deal with your feelings…understand what they are and why they are…perhaps learn to forgive YOURSELF. Who really knows?
Suicide is not an answer…merely another question
Peace
Amakua