Where does everything fit in place, im just starting to lose faith. The present sucks and the hope i hold for the future is slowly slipping away. How can i sit here and pretend like everything is going to get better. This life sucks ass, and i guess i cant complain because im too much of a ***** to pull the trigger. Still I cant help but want more from this horribly bleak life. To find the rainbow in the storm. It made me laugh to see the category suicide survivor, are there really any survivors or just people that never really wanted to die in the first place. Some would call me a survivor i just call myself a weak hearted man with no resolve. Some part of me is still trying to hold onto something in this world, and it is killing the rest of me. So if i grow the balls tonight will be my last night. bye
2 comments
2 comments
Rainbow in the storm is a very nice way of putting it. And it sounds rather gloomy and stormy from your perspective right now. So no patronizing reassurances that it doesn’t suck and will get better, because no… it IS futile. Ultimately, Death is coming for us all, and will wipe out all our efforts and erase the memory of us from this earth in a short time indeed. So while you have life, is there anything you still feel a desire to do, in spite of that? Be comforted to remember that even if you decide to stay and play some sort of game… death *will* come, eventually, and you can go with Him willingly, and maybe feeling more fulfilled to have done some things you hoped to do.
A suicide survivor is someone who has tried…sometimes repeatedly to kill themselves…and for some unknown reason…survives. Who knows why..not me. I have a cousin that has actively tried to commit for years…he has also been involved in several accidents that he should have never survived…and yet still here he is. He says that God is punishing him..that it’s personal. Who knows? But some of us survive despite our own best attempts to do otherwise.
It is very frustrating to overcome your built in will to survive…to welcome death…to give way and sigh….only to be brought back again and again. Never the same…always damage…but back just the same.
I am a seven time survivor myself…the last time was the most ummmm interesting. Since then I have been able to find the rainbow in the storm…to use your words. I still ideate…but know that for me suicide is not an option. I can’t live with sunshine and rainbows up my arse…that’s unrealistic…but I frequently remember to stop and en”joy” the beautiful things that life has to offer…the rainbow in the storm. Where are you looking for yours?
Peace
Amakua