I dont believe in anything anymore..

When i found out… I didnt think i could do it. Im only a teenager… Im only a boy.. When i found out i was going to be a father.. I.. I collapsed. And then it seemed like bad luck got ahold of me. And then i started fighting with my parents more. I layed in bed till 2pm.. Staring at the ceiling thinking about who i am and what i was doing. This all started about 2 months ago. You see. I was that kid that went out filling his brain with all kinds of drugs. Drank on the weekends. Hung out with friends.  And had a short temper. I was a social butterfly. But then i… The guy that cant even pick himself up from the ground most of the time. Was going to become a father.. I couldnt let a kid see his/her father like that.. And i just couldnt stop the partying.. Its not even partying anymore. Its self medicating. In casing these worries in the back of my own head. So.. I downed 46 pills.. Holloween day. My mother walked in.. 3 firetrucks, 2 ambulances, 6 cops came. The last think i remember was passing out with the pill bottle in my hand. I hallucinated for 3 days straight.. And went to inpatient.. I wouldve rather went to jail. Im sober.. More sober than ive ever been. And im trying to controll these thoughts. Get ahold of reality. And kick its ass. During the hallucinations. I had two seizures. 1 almost killing me.. They say ive cheated death more than once in the past week. I shouldve died. I should be dead. Ive now cheated death 4 times in my life. Im a survivor of cancer. Acute leukemia. Its a blood cancer. I had it for 5 years. Never once came close to dying. Well, having cancer is pretty close. But back to the topic. They say im a miracle. They say im on this earth for a reason. But if i cant die. If  im here for a reason. I dont see a miracle. I see a curse. A curse that prohibits death for someone who has begged for it. Who has scream to the sky BEGGING “God” (Who will remain MIA) for death.. Thats me. The great kid who is labeled so many things i lost track. I use to think i could make life happy whenever i wanted. I used to be this happy guy. That slept wherever. Played music on the streets went home had good convos with family got texts 24/7 got calls saying “People need me there” And that all has gone to shit. The girl. That has the unlucky burden of carrying my child. Doesnt want me in its life. Doesnt even want the child to know i exist.. That feeling. Thats the most dark feeling ive ever felt.. But the sun is still out. The moon shines at night. The music still is bliss. The air still smells like americas wasted dreams. And the opportunities are there. I just want her back.. I want those TWO back in my life.. I just want that. All ive done to her.. All ive said.. I dont think that can be forgiven.. I wont turn to drugs.. I wont turn around and stop.. The only way in my life is up. And the only way i want to go is down. Some of this story is probably confusing. But thats just the feeling isnt it? Thats what most of you feel.. Confused. Dazed, annoyed with this feeling. Theress a secret to getting out of it. And you guys/girls hear it everytime you open up. “Think positive” Move towards what you want. Theres just one problem with that for me.. I lose focus.. I get SO close. I get so lost.. I just mess up even more.. If theres a god out there.. Please.. Help me.. Help me figure all this out. Help me help her.. God, help her.. In the dark times, people. In that dark moment. Try. Just try and picture the better.. And remember that day when the grass was green the sun shined over the horizon and you had that warm happy feeling in you.. Remember. Dont just pass this by. Change while you have the chance. Dont lose yourself… Dont lose who you truely are. Youre not crazy. Youre not alone.. You can pick yourself up. I promise.