Musings

I feel literally sick. I’m so tired, so very tired, but I can’t sleep. I’ve basically given up, I’ve just been going through the motions each day. I’m an intelligent person, I know this feeling will pass. It will also return. I guess in a way I like this misery, I hold onto it because it is the only thing in life I can count on. The world is mean and unpredictable, simple as that. I am unhappy, don’t know why. Perhaps it is my intelligence that torments me. I am not so vain as to say I’m terribly smart, heck, I’m failing every class in school because I’m fed up and done with it, but I am intelligent. What I mean is, I see the worlds suffering, and how it haunts me. Empathy is a curse, my curse. In America we flush more water down the toilet than third world countries have to drink. How screwed up is that? I can’t do a thing about it. I can’t change the world, I’m unable to make people see my point of view, and it’s not my place to. There is so much wrong on this earth. Homosexuality and transgender is taboo, so is suicide. I’m bisexual, I have no qualms with this, I embrace it. My dear father is transgender, and I love her so much. I want to be there for her, but I’ve come to understand something. I can’t remain to write fanfiction for the people who have favrited my story and I can’t stay for anyone else. I didn’t ask to be born, so I have no obligation to continue living. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, it’s suicidal, but recently, even when it’s good I feel suicidal… Both seem equally right in my mind….
I’m so depressed, I just want this pain to end. Is it selfish to leave my family for that reason? They can’t help me permanently, sure they can make me feel better for a day, but I just can’t seem to stay happy. It’s a ME problem, it really is.
If I had a wish, it would be that everyone was happy. All you murderers, accountants, mothers, fathers, children, be happy. What I mean is, if there was a cloud of noxious fumes that could alter your brain so you’re perpetually content and joyful, wouldn’t you want to breath it in? I’ve never done illegal drugs, but doesn’t it sound great? Sure, society would collapse and people would die because everyone is just standing around drugged up, but that’s how I’d want to go, happy. Wait. That’s just me, but still, if life could go on and humans could be happy, I’d want them to be. I can honestly say I’d prefer bliss and ignorance to brains and misery. Maybe my thought process if faulty… Oh well, not much I can do but wait for my moment to jump.
After all, in one hundred years, who’s going to care if I lived or perished? We are all specs of dust in the cosmos, nothing anyone does will matter. That’s just a fact that is currently true this very moment in time. If there is an advanced extraterrestrial race out there or some kind of Matrix deal going on, then my musings are wrong. if not, then life is just an exercise in mundane futility. I’m not willing to under go such pointlessness, if you are, good for you. Hope I haven’t made you as depressed as I.