sooner than i think

It’s been such a crazy year. I’ve been depressed, burned out, emotionally and mentally drained. I have no interest in thinking about or planning my future. I just kinda do what i like to do: being a sloth. and just wait till sometime next year (maybe summer time since i hate it) when I will off myself. probably self-lynching. I’ve attempted once but had stopped when I realized the timing was off. A classmate of mine who I was becoming friends committed suicide and it was very hard for me. very hard for many people. I just wish I knew what was going on inside of him .. this was last year … and then I realized it triggered into some deeply hidden self-hate I have going on inside of me. It’s been there since I was a child. I took myself as a hostage. Threatened myself to commit suicide if I didn’t do well in school or if I just didn’t do the “right” thing. Nobody knew. but this summer I began seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I was drugged up for about a month. I was totally numb and didn’t care about anything (or rather, I didn’t have suicidal thoughts which was weird b/c when I think about suicide it makes me feel relieved like I don’t have to go through this life that I don’t really like very much) I’ve tried hard to appreciate what I have and I’m upset that I don’t appreciate it because it isn’t like I am disabled or living in dire poverty or any kind of challenge. I simply had a terrible childhood, can’t commit to dating people, can’t really accept myself as a gay person. I just have all these weird ideas about what is the right way of living and I just can’t seem to fit into that. Isn’t that weird? When I was 3 years old, I already knew I was born into the wrong gender; I strategized a way to deal with my wrong gender and planned for a sex change – then I stopped, began to accept who I am and said I can still be the way I am … and that’s when I’m also feeling more screwed up. I’m always tempted to jump in front of an incoming train but i don’t because the timing is off. I am an organ donor, I am also a Christian (ironic) I believe in Jesus as my savior. I believe in salvation but I also believe that no matter what I do or say things won’t change. I don’t know about heaven/hell/punishments I just don’t think about it they don’t deter me from committing suicide. So this year was pretty rough. I said I would make the most out of it and I did. I traveled, worked and done many things I thought I would never do but I am still content at committing suicide and not having to deal with this polarizing feeling – like in life, you have to suffer, go through so much emotional pain… but you also find pleasure, beauty etc. I don’t want to go through two sides of a coin. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. I’ve been emotionally burned out from poor decisions whether they be with people or myself – I wasted so much time not doing what I should be doing for my future. I’ve also done a lot for myself already and feel entitled to have lived an okay life. But I also have though that I should do whatever the hell I want to see how I can prevent myself from killing myself. I thought about plastic surgery since I hate the way I look and there’s no way to change that. Not through my esteem. I hate my eyes. they are too small and people make fun of them. I hate my nose because it’s too big. petty things like that. I also realize … but then … everyone will grow old. I will also grow old if I choose to live. I don’t want to grow old. alone. But it’s like I can’t be in a relationship because I have to have sex with guys and I don’t want to have sex with guys because of my relationship with Jesus. I’m just a complete paradox and I hate it. I don’t like my parents at all but they are my parents and I’m “suppose to like them” right? Ugh. I make myself like them. I hate that I treat them poorly when they do it to me too. I just get so frustrated. I wanted to move out but I think under my condition if I move out, I’ll kill myself faster. I want to delay it for a few more months. The psychiatrist is useless. He tells me to date girls. like WTF right? so stopped seeing him after a few months. the drugs I stopped as well. the therapist was an old lady who was totally inexperienced to handle my shit. my insecurity is eating me alive. I can’t change or conquer it. I am tired of moderating the way I think and feel. I go to the gym often. I have advanced degrees, I’m successful in my “career,” I have achieved a lot but I just can’t feel it in me. I grew up constantly thinking I was stupid and I still do. So the stupidity became a disability and made me try to overcome it. I can’t ever be frank to others and to myself. I’m always creating lies or barriers around people. I mean i do great things for others, I volunteer for the needy, I donate, I do whatever I can to help. And I’m just ready to call it quit. I saw this site as I randomly went through suicide pages. I’m ready to give up all my things (organs too) and stop living because I don’t like it, I don’t appreciate it and I find it more burdensome then it is. I’m definitely sorry to those who tried to help and especially to Jesus for refusing to accept this gift. this life that I should cherish but I don’t because I was not asked to be born, and raised like this. I’m happy when I think about my own demise. I can control that. that’s it. I can’t live my life anymore as a “transgender” person, or Gay guy, or Christian or Asian or as a human being. It’s too painful and I dont want to monitor it anymore. I ramble. a lot. built up frustration … sorry.