God, help me. I’m scared of myself. Why? What did I do? I’m so confused. I thought we were good and that everything was ok, but apparently I was ignorant and wrong. Now I worry. I’m so far away, and she is prone to mistakes. God, just let me give up. I’m played out feeling this way. With no one to talk to, this is hard. I long to be sane. I long to not feel. Let me feel nothing ever again. If I could start again. If I could start again. If I could start again. If I could start again. If I could start again. If I could start again. I wouldn’t. I would opt out. I would say thanks, but no thanks. If I could be what I want to be I would be hard. I would have someone that loves me. I would love them unconditionally… But then I would be here again. I don’t want to be here, nor there, nor anywhere. How does one just simply choose not to be? Not to exist. Not to hear, see, touch or smell; most importantly, not to feel. I want out of this life. I don’t want to play anymore. I give up. I tap out, but nobody is there to hear me. Where there once was, I let them leave. I let them go. I put in a fight, but that fight had me losing. I’m not used to losing. I gave ten years and was left empty handed and hurt. Confused and wondering, wishing that I could die. Is this selfish? I don’t feel selfish, maybe the only thing I don’t feel. Best told as I feel sad, but that is just one of the many things I feel. Maybe one day the world will see that I was full of love and well being, but for right now I doubt anyone will see, yet hardly think, anything of me. If I could start again, I wouldn’t. I would opt out. I never asked to be created in the first place. I never asked to be lied to. I never knew a person could feel this much pain. I, I, I… Maybe I am selfish.
I want the world to see
But I don’t want to ask anybody
To take a look at my pain
My every minute debate
Of to live or die
To hold out for another day
I don’t want to risk anyone feeling the same
This pain
God, please help me. I’m scared of myself. And that is the worst feeling. When you know you can’t even trust yourself anymore, something is fucked up. Help me get through this night. Help me fight my demons. I know I shouldn’t want this, but I’m almost addicted to these feelings. From her lips to my ears. From my lips to air. I wish someone could understand the way I am. Ten years, and my love is gone. To never love again would be a blessing. The rain is fitting. Hang your head, champ.
2 comments
Thank you for letting me post this. I was afraid no one would ever see, nor understand. Though there is a possibility that no one will ever read this, I feel relieved knowing that there is a chance that someone might stumble upon and share an understanding of how I feel.
My demons come hard around this hour. Maybe this post will help lead them astray for the night.
I hear you. Ditto.