4th times a charm?

I used to encourage people to live for others, not to feel empty and to remember the good times (just a bit more eloquently). I also felt so hypocritical when I did that. It amazed me that they listened and considered my words to start a new life, a better life. You really make the decision of suicide yourself, because of you and because you cannot bear living another day. So how can someone cheat and guilt you out of that?

I have contemplated suicide so very often and attempted it only twice. The first time I realized it was too much technical effort and I was interrupted. The second was more alarming because I nearly got it right (felt punished afterwards). I don’t know what would have happened after that and I’m not sure if I cared. I would not have to suffer anymore but I would have caused so much suffering. I don’t think that deterred me.

Now I just think about doing it in a manner that will cause less harm, make it look like an accident, drive way too fast and recklessly kind of thing. I wish sometimes for natural disasters. I wish more that it can be perfectly planned. No strings, no getting out of it, clean, simple, finished. I see my mother staring at me strangely when I arrange my life in the suicide-preparation kind of way and that does tug at my heart. But I am not suicidal, I just want to die.

I don’t know if I should hope that you get it right because that will make you happy, or whether I should hope you gave up the third time because maybe you can find happiness. It is a struggle and sometimes the pain seems endless and sometimes nothing is worth anything. But some days are better and some days there might be more Oxygen than Helium. Keep breathing.