A few weeks ago I nearly committed suicide… I wrote a letter and cried uncontrolably as I put the bottle of nitrate to my lips… Then I heard my girlfriend stirr in our bed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her find me like that. I put down the bottle and crawled in to bed. The next morning I got up and went straight to the doctors. I told my doctor everything. She sent me to the hospital and I spent a week in the Mental Health ward. I was diognosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder and put on 100mg of Quetiapine. life since then has been harder than ever. I feel a million different things in a day. Sometimes I feel as if I am empty inside and then I feel fine and then all I can think about is how much I wish I was dead! I cut myself again last night. I have been addicted to cutting for 7 years. Last night I put almost 100 cuts in to my thigh. I just wanted to bleed, I just wanted to feel something… Anything. This something that I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I can’t deal. I can’t do it.
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Hey there….I am glad that you didn’t go through with it. And I’m so sorry you are going through what you are going through. I have been diagnosed with lots of things, but one of them was BPD. I don’t know whether it’s real for me because they later rescinded it, but I know what it feels like to feel out of control and not to understand your emotions….And to want to cut…a lot….My thigh has hundreds of cuts in it as well. I hate seeing all the scars because they just make me want to slice it open again. I did end up getting out of the hospital 7 months ago and things until about half a week ago were going really well. I think that things can get better. I have a lot of suicidal impulses and I am trying to fight them because I’ve seen proof that there are things in life worth fighting for. The impulses are so hard to control and so draining and dominating and depressing…but it’s worth it to fight. I hope you will continue to, too.
Where did you get that nitrate?