Nobody likes me, everybody’s out to get me, I am ugly, I am fat, I am way too tall, I hate myself, I can’t find a job, screw the world.
This goes through my mind everyday. Yes, I want to do it! I want to finish off my anti-depressants, mix them up with all my sleeping pills.
I have NOTHING to look forward to. I’ve been through so much crap in my life. With getting made fun of, being an over-eater, being used, and mis-treated. Screw this. I am done.
6 comments
I just want to let you know that i know all of those feelings. I go through them every day. But life is hard…and for us who feel lonely and bad about ourselves, it is so much more difficult. And that means every day we have to work that much harder to even get through the day. And it isn’t fair that you have to feel that way and fight for a reason to live every day. But you’re not alone in that, and i obviously wasn’t going to just see this and look past it, because even though i don’t know you, this post scares the crap out of me because NO ONE should ever have to feel so bad that they want to die. I attempted, so i understand wanting to die for all of those reasons. But you just gotta find it in yourself to know that you are so much better than that. What you see in the mirror isn’t who you really are. You deserve to live your life out til the true end, and not just the end you picked out for yourself You never know what good thing you could miss out on tomorrow if you die tonight.
Back when I attempted my first suicide I was in pain more than I ever was. Life is unfair. I still believe that to this day. A good person that doesn’t do bad should be treated well right? No, it just doesn’t happen. And that day I knew it wasn’t going to get better, so the only other option I had was to go somewhere I didn’t know, because it sure was better than where I was. Please, don’t end it this night, because life is worth fighting for. And believe me, fight for it. All the hatred and pain that I felt and I’m sure you feel can be fought against, not consuming. All the love that I ever wanted from the ones that I loved came from what I dug up out of me. People like you and I, we were given one shot with the useless bodies we had. Don’t give up that chance. That happiness that everyone wants, everybody can get no matter how fucked up our lives were. But you won’t have the chance if you end it tonight. Please, don’t do it.
Well, Jennifer, this was for your first post, originally, but as this is the latest, I post it here–
Well, Jennifer, no friendship or relationship should start on a lie, in-person, online or otherwise, so I’ll begin by being perfectly honest to you–
I’m a guy, so I cannot pretend (and won’t) to know all the traumas of a tormented female psyche…
But I WILL say that the fact that you are able to express yourself, able to communicate these thoughts and feelings, that you think and feel at all shows a great amount of depth and character, and those are two things you may count yourself as having an abundance of, and that you possess a mind of any acuity and a persona of any emphatic emotive ability speaks volumes–
YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING BY THOSE TWO FACTS *ALONE.*
There are a great many people who care not to think, care not to feel, care to be cold or indifferent or not face their demons, or even admit they exist…
There are a great many people who have neither the compassion nor the conviction to feel the pains and sorrows you feel for your lost friend.
If you don’t have the esteem for yourself right now, Jennifer, that’s fine, that’s understandable given all that has transpired.
Allow ME to have esteem for YOU, for who and what you are as a person. Further, if you’ll allow me, please let me give one further honest, truthful evaluation:
Such a deep, caring, contemplative, complex person as yourself, Jennifer–you are BETTER than artificial implants, better than false beauty that fades with time and turns to abject shallow ugliness in the ravages of time and in the absence of personality and presence of mind…you are better than booty calls and CERTAINLY better than any man who strictly uses you for such a purpose.
You are BETTER than whatever troglodyte used you for that purpose, and it’s OK, certainly, to feel upset or confused as to why someone might be so hurtful, how they can be so cruel, but I would beg you not lose yourself over it…
A man–writing a great woman–once said, “All that glisters is not gold.”
I won’t be so cliche or un-truthful as to say “looks don’t matter;” they affect the way people perceive us, fair or not, and sometimes, perhaps even oftentimes, we may feel inadequate, we might wish for what everyone sees at first, what they perceive of us first to be better, to be glamorous.
There is nothing more glamorous than depth, nothing more beautiful than confidence–even if it’s the confidence to admit we’re lacking in confidence…
There’s a bravery even in admitting you’re scared, or that you don’t feel up to the challenge.
Just know this much–you have within you the blossoming seeds of a beautiful person blooming before the world’s eye, and I, for one, would be honored to know you as that person, and be there to hear someone such as is cut from your cloth, and be there for such a person, good hours and bad, because she’s WORTH being there for.
But she has to be there…so, I’ve been honest the whole way, I’ll end just as honestly–
I honestly hope you’re alive and well–as well as I might find you–and that I hear from you, or at least that you don’t allow such squalor and shallowness to triumph over such depth and beauty as is yours.
i have thought the same thing over and over. but i always just get to thinking “what if” what if someone i care about like my little brother finds me… would it hurt them?
and i have been called names all my life even by family “fat” is a word i hear daily and i’m sorry you have to go through it to…
i hope you are ok that you didn’t end it because you may not think this but, your not alone and you are loved by someone.
i’ll be here for you as well as many others
i hope to hear from you.
You are truly an amazing person.
My name is ryan, im 23, i have been shy and quiet all my life. I have severe anxiety, nobody understands me, i am hard of hearing i wear hearing aids. I dont consider myself ugly, but people make me feel that way. I have been a screw up most of my life, when i was 11 i started smoking weed, which then became the root of all my problems since then. I meant an amazing girl at the same time, i dated her from the time we were 11 to 17. In jr high i started getting addicted to marijuana, i skipped school, i stole money to buy it, i ended up with 2 felonies, i spent alot of time in and out of juvy and rehab it added up to 1 year of incarceration “not i am the polite kid who always says thank you, i never thought i would ever end up this way” over a three year period, during those 3 years on probation i developed severe anxiety. During this period i started ignoring my girlfriend & only caring about getting high “why do i do these thigns”, ” she was my first love” ” i loved her so much” We were together basically our entire pre-teen/ teen lives, and one day she couldn’t put up with me, and my issues, I didn’t understand it, i stayed behing her %100 through her depression, and suicidal bs for 7 years and not once did i ever sit and complain about my life. When she left I felt my life was over. I spent the next 3 to 4 years trying to find myself, trying to finish school, which i ultimately failed to do so in the end “due to weed”. But I then got a good job “thanks to my friend” , i was living with my best friend and his gf which was our boss, she was an awesome boss, she let us smoke all the weed we wanted, payed us good, and let us live with her for free “wish she knew how much i appreciate that” but soon i got tired of that and moved back in with my mom. I then meant my second love, at the place where i was working, i felt like she was way out of my league, she was amazing, she was gorgeous. We were together for a year, things went great, but she had her issues, it wasn’t perfect. She was a little emotionally abusive. But its my fault for not being the quote “man” she wanted, i was car-less, job-less, living with my mom, she couldnt deal with my social anxiety, i never wanted to go out. So she left, she found someone else that fit her needs. I was alone for another year and a half trying to find myself, dabbling in alot of hallucinogens hoping to find a better meaning of life, and i did, i feel i have a much better understanding of life anyways, but during this time i was doing alot i mean alot of DXM, it made me pretty crazy, i said things and did things i would never do sober, after about a 3 month binge on dxm i finally broke down & got into an argument with my mom, and had a huge freak out, she said i was actin crazy, so i acted out and started hitting myself in the head with a glass bowl, that i had just got done making oatmeal in, oatmeal all over the ceiling and everything, i then started punching myself until i bled “i would never do this sober”. My mom kicked me out, i went to stay with an old friend. Now 2 months later, i was trying to get my life on track, but still using dxm, I ended up getting into a fight with the person who let me stay there “this is the guy who got me to smoke when i was 11 BTW, my sister ex bf” He kicked me out, luckily mother loves me, she took me back in. Now back at my moms, i kept using dxm, i started talking to girls on myspace, went over to different girls houses that i didnt even know, did stuff i never thought i would do. Eventually this got old. I then meant the abother girl, who my sister introduced me too, she was beatiful, we got along right away, she had a job, a car, her own place, i knew i couldnt ever be what she wanted. We went out, i tried breaking up with her after a coupe weeks, because i was scared to fall in love again, she begged me to take her back so i did. I ended up falling madly in love with her, she beleived in me, she loved me for who i was, we had everything in common, she was perfect. We dated for two years…. we were perfect up until about 2 months ago, she started hating that i wasnt doing anything with my life, she hated my social anxiety problem, she wanted me to just get motivated and try, but i always made up excuses, id say ill do it later, or ill have a job dont worry, well 2 years later and my stupid did nothing…. Well last week were together everything was fine, sure we were arguing a little but nothing that made me think she would leave me. She went to work one day, and texted me that she wasnt coming home, and that she was staying at her aunts… soon she texted and said she is packing her shit, then she came and got it. She told me she would always be my friend but that changed after a few days, then 2 days ago she said she has a boyfriend and to quit texting her, i saw on facebook she go flowers from him, she seems happy, she is with someone that has a car, a job, no anxiety. I just cant believe she could care less about how i feel, i never cheated on her, i never hurt her, i always loved her so much, i would never do anything to hurt her. I just want to die, i hate my life, i always screw up, i never do anything right. I cant qut smoking without feeling, like killing myself ” i feel like when i smoke all of my anxiety, anger, sadness, everything melts away”. I feel like i wont be successful, and i dont want to end up homeless, ill kill myself for sure before that happens…. I feel like im just not fir for society… This pain hurts so bad.