Help?

I don’t ask for help. Never. Ever. But today I need it. I’ve been depressed for 3 years now, suicidal for 2. Last year, around this time, I attempted and wound up in a hospital. They put me on an anti depressant but it didn’t work. Now a year later things have gotten worse. I hear voices in my head and I get words stuck in my mind. I can’t sleep. I have nightmares every time I try. It used to be just when I had to deal with school but now…now I still hate myself when I’m out of school. I keep relapsing in SI. I have suicidal thoughts. I’ve been planning for the past 2 days. The next step is making a date and when I do that it’s over. 90% of the time I’ve given up trying and I want to die. The other 10% is split between apathy and actually wanting to get better. This is the last charge for that 10%. If I go to the hospital, my doctor will put me on antipsychotic meds along with anti depressants. This will most likely hinder my ability to write my poetry and play music as the point of them is to dull the nervous system to suppress delusions. I can’t live without those two things. Also my parents will never let me be alone, never let me go out, never let me drive for months if I go on the meds and go to the hospital. I will fall so far behind in my junior year that I will never be able to catch back up. Ill lose what few friends I do have. If I go on meds alone i know I will intentionally od. There’s no way I’d be able to resist. So what I’m trying to say is…help?