I am so tired of life. I’ve tried it, and I just don’t like it. I’ve tried drugs, I thought they were the key to happiness for a while. Then I realized how I was ignoring almost all other aspects of my life, and that I wanted something more. So I stopped getting high all the time, started concentrating more on holding down a job. Eventually I met a girl, fell in love, and moved in with her. We are quite happy together for the most part. I had this really good job, but it started to get to me, I was finding it so frustrating. I was so pissed off at work all day, that the bad mood stuck with me once I got home, it left me feeling drained. Eventually I couldn’t take it any longer, so I quit. Since then I’ve had a series of jobs, some better than others. But they all leave me feeling the same way. I feel like when I work full time, it takes over my entire life. I get up in the morning, drag my self to work, and by the time I get home, whether due to physical, or mental fatigue, I don’t have the energy or motivation to do much. After work there are things I really need to do, I might have to wash the dishes, have a shower, cook a healthy meal. But I can barely do it most nights. I’m also an amateur musician, but after I’m done with the things I need to do, all I can do is sit in front of the tv for the hour or two of free time before I have to go to bed. I love going out to see local musicians perform, supporting the scene, which I was quite involved in at one point. But when I’m working I don’t have the time or energy for anything like that. As the week drags on I stop doing the dishes, starting eating quick and unhealthy meals. Once the weekend comes, I’m so worn down from working and not eating right that I just sleep in late, and watch tv all day. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Yet when I’m not working, I’m stressed because I’m just barely scraping by, and I have no money to do anything fun, which leads to not having any inspiration for the single outlet I have in that situation; Music.
Life seems incredibly long and pointless stuck in this cycle, I feel like I’m trapped in a sort of tedious game that I never really wanted to be a part of in the first place. People tell me that “that’s just life”. Well fine. I think it fucking sucks. At least when I was on drugs I always had the next high to look forward to. Life is boring and redundant, what’s next? I just wish I had the guts to do something about it.
2 comments
Woah. I hope that’s not the life for me! I enjoy music more than I enjoy friends, Jack. My only inspiration is to write, and someday be in a band producing music. I don’t want to have a job that pulls me down. A job that makes me stay in one place. I’ve grown up on the reservation for..17 years of my life amd hated it. I’m 17 right now and will be turning 18 in 3 months, so this is my last year in Highschool before moving on to a) college b) joining a band c) moving away in general.
I guess I can kinda sympathize where you’re coming from since that is probably one of my greatest fears. Who would want that? If you don’t enjoy doing what you do, don’t do it. Don’t do it because it has to be done. If you’re depressed, you have to find things to do for YOURSELF. NOT anyone else. Unless you have a like a kid or something you want to do it for. Well, do it for good reasons. But also try to find something you would enjoy doing.
I like Death-metal, Screamo, Post-Hardcore, Alternative, Pop-Rock, Punk, and some other genres, Jack. What do you like? Maybe you can give me some advice instead of me thinking of something else to say to you?
You will find your niche buddy. You are clearly creative, and need to be creatively challenged. I can tell by how you write that you have a lot left to say to this world. I’ll probably bore you enough that your job will seem THRILLING, but I love to read interesting throughs. SHare some with me?
mrslindseylambert@gmail.com