I just want to be a spirit again…

Today is December 1, 2012

I feel horrible today.  My body is in physical pain, and my emotions are blank.  I’m crying a little but I don’t seem to feel anything other than hate, sorrow and physical pain.  I’m sorry my being here and having to witness so much pain and heartache.  Why is it that the people who need help don’t get help and the people who don’t want help get help?  I know I should be taking personal responsibility for my own life, but seriously things that have happened to me in my growing up and childhood are beyond my control.  It’s almost as I’m too smart for my own good.  I hate having to live on earth and feel so hopeless at times and other times I’m filled with complete rage and anger.  I’ve been looking on the internet how to kill myself but it’s not very helpful.  I just want to die.  I will leave a lot of people behind in my life but they’re strong enough to come together as a team and form a coping and support group.  I really hate my life.  I’ve hated my life since I could first speak which was around the age of two or three.  All I can remember each day is the horrible abuse I survived as a youngster and all the times I was either treated badly or made fun of.  This life is useless to me now because I not and never was good at making friends.  Even if I make friends they tend to leave me sooner or later.  My heart is too weak now to keep many friends in my life.  I don’t feel lonely because my partner is supportive.  Most times in the day I feel usually paranoid and all I can think about is my life is fake and all of this is we are apes trapped in this life, and it’s a big science experiment kinda like the Truman show if you’ve ever seen that movie you know that Jim Carey lives in a world where he is a experiment his whole life was made up.  It’s a really good movie but so sad to think that that actually is what is happening in my life.  Right now I’m too lazy to get off the couch and do something to end my life.  I hate to type this but I’m not the kind of person to express how I feel in speech.  I really didn’t want to burden anyone with this post but life is not worth living right now.  I hope soon I will be able to leave and become a spirit again.  Everything in my life is going good as far as work and being sane enough to be able to type this post.  If your reading this and thinking I should see a doctor or a therapist, all I can say is I see doctors regularly and I hate therapist’s because they drudge up old shit in my past that I want to forget.  It is emotional torture for me to remember the bad things that have happened in my life.  I so would take my life right now if I didn’t love my friends, and people who I’ve gotten to know over the years.  I really hate it when people say it’s selfish for you to kill yourself.  No what is selfish is letting someone live who doesn’t really care about much anymore, even though I try at work and always am a kind and loyal person to everyone.  If you read this and think I should go to the hospital, I’d tell you that I believe in the natural way of living.  The only thing the for profit hospital can do is kill people or make them worse off than they already were.  I should now I was as healthy as a horse before the first time I went in and now I’m over weight and have a shit load of health problems even though I do what I’m supposed as far as nutritionally, mentally and physically.  I’m not perfect by any means but I know I don’t smoke, use drugs, drink or eat or drink things that could have a lasting effect on my health.  I just am sick and tired of living and being in this place where so many heartaches gnaw on me constantly.  If anyone out there can offer comfort or just whatever is on your mind after you read my post please respond.  Please keep me in your prayers and blessings.  I feel so lost.