I shouldn’t be here

A few days ago I was finally going to end it.

I stayed home from school that day, and no one was going to be home until much later.

I grabbed as many different pills as I could find. Painkillers, and antidepressants mainly. There were probably around 4 different kinds; 50 pills in total. I also grabbed a bottle of vodka. I filled the bath tub up with water. My thinking was that if I didn’t die from overdosing, I would at least drown after I passed out.

Next I swallowed all the pills and got into the tub. Then I started to drink the vodka. I drank until I felt like I would throw up; which was practically the entire bottle. At this point I started to wonder if what I was doing was right. I sat for a while longer but nothing really happened besides feeling drunk.

Eventually I gave up and decided it wasn’t meant to be. This was around twelve o’clock. I got out of the bath and let the water drain out. I lay down in my bed. The need to vomit overcame me so I went to the toilet. I went back to bed, but decided I should remove the bottle from the washroom, so that no one would know once they got home. I tried but I couldn’t even walk straight, and my legs felt like they were going to cave out on me. I dragged myself back into bed and passedout. At some point I woke up with my heart beating impossibly fast. I can’t describe the feeling. A feeling of drifting away, a feeling of dying. I  was dying, I got so close.

I don’t remember anything else that day. I woke up the next morning after almost 24 hours of sleep.